herm
March 30th, 2010, 06:13 AM
This is very long...it feels so good to let it all out.
I cut myself for a good 5 years, since I was 12. Been approximately a year since I stopped...since I discovered the wonders of chain smoking. I feel fucking shit though. I easily went through 2 packets a days. I would need 5 in a row just to summon up the courage to get out of bed in the morning. I've been on antidepressants since January, they help, but after 4-6 weeks on them the effect starts to weaken and I have to raise my dosage. I don't want to keep doing that or I'll end up a drugged-out zombie. I live in constant fear that I'll never be good enough. I'm too scared to get my licence, for the fear that if I drive alone I'll have a huge crash, (even though everyone I've driven with says I'm a great driver), I'm trying to finish my high school equivelancy but I feel like it's too much, and I can't do it. I'd love to go to uni, and get a good job, but I don't feel like I'll do well enough to get into uni...and if I do, I don't think I'll be able to pass my course, and even if I do, and get a job in my chosen feild, I'm afraid I won't do well enough at it. I think most of this stems from my father, who sees me as his possesion, he tries to control me and what I do with his money, every time the phone rings I'm too scared to answer incase it's him, the weeks leading up to and after seeing him I'm a complete mess. I had a complete breakdown this morning, that ended in me, an 18 year old girl, curled up in her mothers arms trembling, and I have no idea why. And, my poor boyfriend who I've only been with for a few weeks is being dragged into all this, and although he cares and want's to help, he just doesn't understand at all, so he's worried to death about me. Life just seems to get harder and harder by the day! I am a fucking MESS, I'm having constant anxiety attacks, I can't have a conversation, go on a website, watch television, or even read a book without being reminded of something and freaking out about it. Even in my dreams every night I dream I'm in stressfull, frustrating situations, and I wakeup every morning not feeling rested and relaxed like I should, but as if I've just had a screaming argument with someone. I feel like screaming ALL THE TIME. Nothing fixes it anymore, I've had counciling, but that just made me leave feeling worse than when I went in, I can chain smoke, take medication, get stoned, take ecstacy, speed, drink 2 litres of vodka, but NOTHING takes this horrible feeling away.
I know something that could take the pain away instantly, and I should be proud to say that through all that, through the many times I have been tempted, I haven't cut myself once...but that would be a lie. I'm not proud of myself at all. To think that all of the mental and emotional agony I've been through could've been easily ended but hasn't been does not make me strong, it makes me a fool. I'd rather be me again, with a dirty little secret, then this fucked up empty shell I've become.
I loved cutting, so much. I didn't want help, I didn't want to stop. I loved my life. The reason I stopped cutting was because of my mother. I love my mother more than anyone in the world, and I knew that her worrying about me was killing her. While I was capeable of slicing the blade through my own skin, and making myself bleed, there was no possible way I could ever bring myself to hurt her. The last time I cut myself, I begun to, then imagined how I would feel if I had a daughter who was doing this to herself, and I couldn't continue...I broke down in tears. Since that day, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, no matter how tempted I've been.
When you think about it, the problem with cutting is not the cuts themselves, what matters is the reason behind it, the problems the person has that drive them to do something like this. As a cutter, being melodramatic as all teenagers are, I thought that my life absolutely SUCKED, and once I stopped cutting, I thought that meant that I was ok. I had it all wrong...the only thing worse than cutting, is not cutting. Now I've realised, that if you take away someones major coping mechanism, without healing the problem behind it, all you get left with is one giant emotional wreck.
I happier as a cutter than I've ever been in my life. Funny, isn't it? Most people associate cutting with being depressed, I associate it with being alive.
I miss my life as a cutter, so much...if only I had never grown up and developed the respect, empathy and understanding that now holds me back from it.
I know that if I picked up the blade again, I would be fine. I would excell in life, and acomplish all of the things I want to do, without this disgusting feeling hovering over me.
I feel like I'm struggling to decide between succeeding in life and not breaking my mothers heart.
I cut myself for a good 5 years, since I was 12. Been approximately a year since I stopped...since I discovered the wonders of chain smoking. I feel fucking shit though. I easily went through 2 packets a days. I would need 5 in a row just to summon up the courage to get out of bed in the morning. I've been on antidepressants since January, they help, but after 4-6 weeks on them the effect starts to weaken and I have to raise my dosage. I don't want to keep doing that or I'll end up a drugged-out zombie. I live in constant fear that I'll never be good enough. I'm too scared to get my licence, for the fear that if I drive alone I'll have a huge crash, (even though everyone I've driven with says I'm a great driver), I'm trying to finish my high school equivelancy but I feel like it's too much, and I can't do it. I'd love to go to uni, and get a good job, but I don't feel like I'll do well enough to get into uni...and if I do, I don't think I'll be able to pass my course, and even if I do, and get a job in my chosen feild, I'm afraid I won't do well enough at it. I think most of this stems from my father, who sees me as his possesion, he tries to control me and what I do with his money, every time the phone rings I'm too scared to answer incase it's him, the weeks leading up to and after seeing him I'm a complete mess. I had a complete breakdown this morning, that ended in me, an 18 year old girl, curled up in her mothers arms trembling, and I have no idea why. And, my poor boyfriend who I've only been with for a few weeks is being dragged into all this, and although he cares and want's to help, he just doesn't understand at all, so he's worried to death about me. Life just seems to get harder and harder by the day! I am a fucking MESS, I'm having constant anxiety attacks, I can't have a conversation, go on a website, watch television, or even read a book without being reminded of something and freaking out about it. Even in my dreams every night I dream I'm in stressfull, frustrating situations, and I wakeup every morning not feeling rested and relaxed like I should, but as if I've just had a screaming argument with someone. I feel like screaming ALL THE TIME. Nothing fixes it anymore, I've had counciling, but that just made me leave feeling worse than when I went in, I can chain smoke, take medication, get stoned, take ecstacy, speed, drink 2 litres of vodka, but NOTHING takes this horrible feeling away.
I know something that could take the pain away instantly, and I should be proud to say that through all that, through the many times I have been tempted, I haven't cut myself once...but that would be a lie. I'm not proud of myself at all. To think that all of the mental and emotional agony I've been through could've been easily ended but hasn't been does not make me strong, it makes me a fool. I'd rather be me again, with a dirty little secret, then this fucked up empty shell I've become.
I loved cutting, so much. I didn't want help, I didn't want to stop. I loved my life. The reason I stopped cutting was because of my mother. I love my mother more than anyone in the world, and I knew that her worrying about me was killing her. While I was capeable of slicing the blade through my own skin, and making myself bleed, there was no possible way I could ever bring myself to hurt her. The last time I cut myself, I begun to, then imagined how I would feel if I had a daughter who was doing this to herself, and I couldn't continue...I broke down in tears. Since that day, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, no matter how tempted I've been.
When you think about it, the problem with cutting is not the cuts themselves, what matters is the reason behind it, the problems the person has that drive them to do something like this. As a cutter, being melodramatic as all teenagers are, I thought that my life absolutely SUCKED, and once I stopped cutting, I thought that meant that I was ok. I had it all wrong...the only thing worse than cutting, is not cutting. Now I've realised, that if you take away someones major coping mechanism, without healing the problem behind it, all you get left with is one giant emotional wreck.
I happier as a cutter than I've ever been in my life. Funny, isn't it? Most people associate cutting with being depressed, I associate it with being alive.
I miss my life as a cutter, so much...if only I had never grown up and developed the respect, empathy and understanding that now holds me back from it.
I know that if I picked up the blade again, I would be fine. I would excell in life, and acomplish all of the things I want to do, without this disgusting feeling hovering over me.
I feel like I'm struggling to decide between succeeding in life and not breaking my mothers heart.