my mind

[Gumleaf]

everyone must be sick of reading my crap in here now. i know i'm sick of writing it, but it's the only way. it has reached the point where opening up to basically anyone is no longer an option because i have built a huge wall that nobody can knock down and the fake smile i can put on hides everything from everyone else, but eats at me from the inside out. my therapist makes me keep a journal of how i'm feeling. it's not pleasent reading at all.

i don't really know what is wrong anymore apart from the negative thinking causing more and more self hate. i know i'm digging myself in a hole again and it's up to me to get out of it, but i don't know how right now because i just keep digging deeper and deeper and i don't even bloody want to. i'm so messed up, on the one hand i'm convinced everyone hates me, but on the other hand i think i'm pushing everyone away and isolating myself.

right now i can't see any reason for me to live. its like i have no hope, nothing to aim for and nothing to be excited about. its like life is a waste for me and i'm a waste to everything and everyone. i have a new girlfriend and i like her a lot. but i can't be like this around her. she doesn't deserve a rubbish boyfriend who is nutters.

i'm convinced everyone hates me, and the only reason anyone ever talks to me is when they want something or want to know something. i know i've gone stupid, but i can't stop believing all this that my mind throws up. i have cried every day at some point for nearly 2 weeks now. i'm screwed and can't see how things can ever get better.

[alightsei]

Just tell your problem to someone that you think is closer with you. Sometimes tell and share all your problem to someone make you feel better...

[Kaius]

Stephen, You don't know me but if you ever need to talk you can get my msn/aim from Bhan. I know for a fact there are loads of people that love you, Bhan and Laura for example. You mean a lot to them and you're a good friend. Keep that in mind. If you feel up to it, talk to your girlfriend about it. She may most likely be welcoming to it and want to help you. You're a good guy, things will get better soon it may just take time.

[Obscene Eyedeas]

Oh stephen this is it. me and you are going to talk. no more god Damn lies. i love you so much your part of my family and im not letting you push me away or do this to yourself. you need to talk to me about this Ste you know i can always make you feel good about yourself. and all i do is speak the truth

[jackbency]

Everything will be allright and you will get happiness soon. I know that sometime "It's easier said than done." if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said. You can share your feeling with your best friend of relatives who is very near to your heart and can understand your feelings or you can take relief in theirs lap.

[Sith Lord 13]

I don't think anyone is "sick of reading my crap in here". I'll admit I'm new here but from what I've seen most people here are more than ready to be here for people. Everyone needs someone to lean on. I've tried being an island. I know from experience it doesn't work. There are plenty of people who are willing to talk or even just to listen. And I know that wall seems high, but there are always people willing to climb it.

If you need someone new to talk to, feel free to PM me.

[betakuwe]

Man i can totally feel you. Nobody seem to understand me and nobody will never know know how i feel. In school everyone thinks i'm happy with my life, everybody thinks i'm a spoiled child. It's just that the walls built are so opaque that it seem to be transparent now, like there isn't even a false smile or something. I'm telling you just to let you know that you aren't alone.
I don't really know how to help you. No matter how hateful you think you are, be convinced that there would never be a time where you cease to exist and everyone feels glad and eased about it, i guarantee that.

[Hyper]

There is only one question here is your therapist making you feel any better, understand things more or not?

I'll save you from the long friendly encouraging talk or the ''kick in the ass'' and just say that is your only route - the holes from here on will just get deeper and darker and soon there will be no walls just a dark, lonely place from where reaching out to other people - even if you wanted to - seems impossible.

[CuriousDestruction]

well, i haven't been on here in a few weeks so it's impossible for me to be sick of reading your crap. cuz i haven't read it. so, if you wanna talk about it without pre-judgement, PM me yeah?

oh, and you don't seem like a bad guy so i have no reason to hate you. :)