Lifeless.

[nachtspiegel]

I don't want to believe that my sister is dead, and when I do believe it, I don't want to be here. I know it's selfish, but I don't want to be here. I don't have the heart to hurt the people that care about me by killing myself but I keep hoping that something happens that wipes me out. Random disease, getting hit by a car, getting shot, I don't care. I don't want to be here.
I have my okay moments and my not okay moments. My okay moments are disappearing.
I'm in my first year of college and I just want to quit. I have no motivation to continue doing the work and I don't give a fuck. The only reason I even decided to try to go to college was to make my sister proud. She isn't here anymore and she won't see me graduate. I don't really care if I make something of myself. I always tried to do good things because she wanted me to, but now that she isn't here, it doesn't matter.
So far, there's been two days of classes this week - two classes each day - and I've been to one class. I skipped my first class on Monday and I skipped both classes to sleep yesterday. I'm on the verge of failing three out of my four classes due to "miss more than X days and you fail" rules and I don't care. I'm tired of the judgmental comments that people keep making because none of those people have been where I am right now.
I feel like the world is a black hole and I want no part of it. She was the only person in my whole family that never did me wrong or left me low and now I'm partially responsible for the reason that she's dead (and as much as the few people I've talked to about that try to change my mind, it isn't happening. I know that it's my fault.) She was the only reason I was able to tolerate with my family's bullshit because she wanted the family to hold tight. I don't care about that anymore. I just want to run so far away from everyone and everything.
I don't even know how to truly describe the way that I feel right now. Even if I could, it wouldn't help. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, but something compelled me to.

[georgiamay]

fistly, i'm really sorry for your loss :(

secondly, please don't drop out of college. like you said, you only went to make your sister proud, so make her proud. do it for your sister.
is there anyway that you could take a break? i mean, take a year out and come back after that? it's normal to feel like this, so they should understand if you take time out, and come back when you're ready. i hope i helped :) x

And please try and see someone about these feelings. dying is a permanent solution, and you can recover from this tragedy.

once again, i'm so sorry :(

[Atonement]

I didn't recognize the name change till I looked at the message and saw the all too familiar format that you tend to post in...

Anyway, why would you give up? If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her. You said you were doing it only because of her motivating you, yet the fact that she's gone doesn't change anything. Do it to honor her. The reality is that if you can't do something for yourself, you can do it for someone else. She knew what was good for you, she didn't do you wrong. So, if this is best for you, you need to trust what she knew and do it for you. Do it for yourself and her. You will regret this in the future if you flunk out. You might not see it now, but the depression now isn't compared to what it will be when you compile some failure on top of it.

Good luck, I love ya bud. Be smart.

[nachtspiegel]

Georgia: Thank you. And I'm looking into it. I'm already seriously considering taking off the fall semester and going back in January, but for the moment, I have to complete the classes I've already gotten into. If I don't, I won't be able to get the financial aid that I have to have to pay for school until I pay like half of all that I've gotten back. I could do it, but it'd take me a long time.
A friend of mine fell seriously ill and almost died during her first go-around in college (uni over there) and they still made her pay hers back before she could get aid again. I doubt they'd make an allowance in my situation.

Addi: The thought of how happy it would make her to see me earn a college degree is what made want to do it, but now, she won't be here to see it happen, so it's lost its lackluster. I found out that my niece's dad has a liver condition that could go into full-blown cirrhosis at any time and as soon as I turn eighteen, he wants to make it official that I'll be the one in line to take her if he dies. I promised my sister that I'd look out for her if she died and when it comes down to it, I won't be in much of a position to provide for her if it comes down to that if I don't continue with and finish college... so as much as I'd like to stop going, I have to keep on. It just seems utterly pointless in the short-term to spend an hour and half a day in commute to get to and from campus and to spend time in classes when I can't focus.

And I'm trying.

[screamtobeheard]

I'm really, really sorry to hear about your loss. I know there's not any way I could even try to understand what that's like, but I think you should keep going on for your sister. She wouldn't want you to stop everything in your life. You just have to keep pushing through. I know it seems like it'll never get better. And in truth, you will never forget. But you can learn to live so that the pain is bearable. Try to make the best of it. Good luck. I hope things get better soon. :)