Asylum
March 22nd, 2010, 10:48 PM
This is important before you read, I don't like burning myself, i rarelly have in the past, aybe 3 or 4 times but never at all where it was serious or noticble , the whole lighting myself on fire question wasn't an urge just criousity the same curiosity of being stabbed to death by a narwhale, or flying it will never happen, i will never set myslf on fire, that is one of my fears... so that was just a curious thought, however i put the below down so you guys can use the same questions, if you have hte those thoughts. i've come a long way. seven years of self harm, and i feel the end is here, I haven't self harmed for terrible thigns that happened in my life. I did pick up a needle or to, but with anger i threw it accross the room. Anger and disappointed in myself for thinking that would help. ilooked at the side of my room with a lighter... i wonder what it would feel liek to light my hand on fire or my wirst... how good it will feel? i i stopped... wait... think.. what if you can't control the fire and you burn alive...so?.. well imagine a small accdental burn it will hrut a lot... maybe i deserve it... no.... alright fine... i won't ... good... cuz think of that scar also, you can't cover that up can you... no... i couldn't... i wasn't serious about the burnign myself, just a thougth... then i saw a needle on my nightstand... i asked the question tonight as Ipicked up th needle...will this hlp? is this worth it? i talk to myself out loud... it can help... i tried coming up with answers to reason it, i'm angry at myself, it was my fault, i should be punished, ideserve this, i need to feel this hurt and see it on my skin..., etc. it went on.. tehn i told myself so i guess i'm wiling to wear more make up... long sleeves... how will i hide these eh? i'm running out of room to hide.. i won't be able to hide it much longer... people already have noticed in the past.. what if someone sees? plus i am wanting to tell my one friend i'm getting close to abot it... i'm not sure he'll understand... but i hoep he'll see it in reason with me wanting to stop. then i said i'm seeing him this Saturday... how will i explain hye i'm quitting... but yea... i messed up? what will he think of me then? will he be scared and run away? how much wil he be hurt? how is any of this going to help me.... then i came to a conclusion... it's not .. so as mentioned above i threw it.. i hugged my pillow and i got onlien to distract and listen to music which boosted my mood. so now i'm hppy again? .. ok more of apathetic... i wasn't really upet to begin with.. more apethetic with lots of random emotions at once, entirely confused, had a great week, but the 2 weeks b4 sucked, and paretns arhhh don't get me started pelase.... so guess what no marks. *knock on wood* i don't plan on doing it ever... havne't done it in awhile too i'm happy
I wasn't going to self harm at all lst night, thought about it... yes... but seirous about it no... it was an urge i wasn't goign to let tke over... i'm stronger then that... and so are you, just think before you self harm question youself it helps.
I wasn't going to self harm at all lst night, thought about it... yes... but seirous about it no... it was an urge i wasn't goign to let tke over... i'm stronger then that... and so are you, just think before you self harm question youself it helps.