georgiamay
March 21st, 2010, 03:59 PM
it's been three weeks since i last cut myself, and before that, it was 2 years. it's getting much better, i know i can stop, and i'm going to. i dont really know why i'm posting this, i just need to post it so i don't relapse again and self harm in whatever way suits the moment.
i just thought if i actually told someone, even if i have no idea who any of you are, it would make me feel better, coz i've never told anyone the full story, not even the coucellor's i used to see.
when i was younger, my mum was depressed (bipolar and post natal) and that triggered her drinking problem. it tore my family apart, and my parents ended up getting divorced. my dad met a women he ended up marrying, and i love her to pieces... but she can be a right cow sometimes. my mum met a man, who thank god she didnt marry. she's still with him, and i still have to put up with him. he used to put my thumb in a really awkward possition that i cant really explain, and squeeze really hard, until i was almost in tears. my mum used to just watch, and one day finally told him to stop which he finally did. he still treats me like a piece of crap, and i just wish he would leave me and my mum alone.
my mum stopped drinking after her suicide attempt (on the one day a week that i was her responsibility so i had to see her like that) but i have found a few empty and full vodka bottles. so i have no idea if she's still drinking, because i only see her for a few hours one day a week.
I started cutting myself when i was 12, and it went on for nearly a year before my dad saw the cuts, when i finally came clean, and he took me to see a pshyciatrist. that didnt really help.
i kept hurting myself in ways that could be explained more easily, like i'd punch my arm, and i'd say someone blocked my punch hard at karate, which happens a lot. i left my elbow on radiators until my skin was throbbing.
i stopped after about 1 and a half years, because i couldn't risk my dad finding out, i didnt want to hurt him like that. i went 2 years without cutting.
in those 2 years me and my mum had a lot of big fights, where i ran away for a few hours, and ended up being dragged home by her when she found me at a bus stop waiting for a bus. that was my pathetic attempt to get away from it all. i didnt care where i was going, i just wanted to get away.
I said some really hurtful things to my mum, and i'm still not sure if she deserved them or not, after everything she'd done to me. she got me her and dad evicted from a flat when she spent all the mortgage money on alchohol when i was little (i think thats what happened anyway) and i still cant get the image of her laying on the bathroom floor unconcious out of my head. i still have dreams and flashbacks of those days, and i'm not sure if i can blame her for that. We've had so many fights since i stopped.
but three weeks ago, everything became too much. i live to please my dad, but that has seemed impossible over the last few months, and the dreams were just too much, and i couldn't take it anymore, so i cut, i burnt and bruised all in one night.
I dont want to do it again, and i want to help other people that are trying to stop, or want to stop.
the cuts were never deep enough to cause any serious damage, which i've always been thankful for. its hard to explain the sensation self harm gave me. sometimes i wouldn't even realise i had done it until i looked down and saw the blood. i remember the moments when cutting was all i wanted to do, and i feel so ashamed. i'm ashamed of everything to do with my past.
i dont mind if you didnt read this, i know its really long, and this is just a brief summary :/ the full detailed version would be 100 times longer.
i just want to say, if anyone who reads this has just started to self harm, or is about to start. don't. stop thinking about it and stop doing it while you can, because one day it will be how you cope with your day, and that is the worst feeling i've ever had, and i know you wont like it, but you will think its the only way. it isnt. there are other ways of dealing with these emotions.
there's always an alternative
i just thought if i actually told someone, even if i have no idea who any of you are, it would make me feel better, coz i've never told anyone the full story, not even the coucellor's i used to see.
when i was younger, my mum was depressed (bipolar and post natal) and that triggered her drinking problem. it tore my family apart, and my parents ended up getting divorced. my dad met a women he ended up marrying, and i love her to pieces... but she can be a right cow sometimes. my mum met a man, who thank god she didnt marry. she's still with him, and i still have to put up with him. he used to put my thumb in a really awkward possition that i cant really explain, and squeeze really hard, until i was almost in tears. my mum used to just watch, and one day finally told him to stop which he finally did. he still treats me like a piece of crap, and i just wish he would leave me and my mum alone.
my mum stopped drinking after her suicide attempt (on the one day a week that i was her responsibility so i had to see her like that) but i have found a few empty and full vodka bottles. so i have no idea if she's still drinking, because i only see her for a few hours one day a week.
I started cutting myself when i was 12, and it went on for nearly a year before my dad saw the cuts, when i finally came clean, and he took me to see a pshyciatrist. that didnt really help.
i kept hurting myself in ways that could be explained more easily, like i'd punch my arm, and i'd say someone blocked my punch hard at karate, which happens a lot. i left my elbow on radiators until my skin was throbbing.
i stopped after about 1 and a half years, because i couldn't risk my dad finding out, i didnt want to hurt him like that. i went 2 years without cutting.
in those 2 years me and my mum had a lot of big fights, where i ran away for a few hours, and ended up being dragged home by her when she found me at a bus stop waiting for a bus. that was my pathetic attempt to get away from it all. i didnt care where i was going, i just wanted to get away.
I said some really hurtful things to my mum, and i'm still not sure if she deserved them or not, after everything she'd done to me. she got me her and dad evicted from a flat when she spent all the mortgage money on alchohol when i was little (i think thats what happened anyway) and i still cant get the image of her laying on the bathroom floor unconcious out of my head. i still have dreams and flashbacks of those days, and i'm not sure if i can blame her for that. We've had so many fights since i stopped.
but three weeks ago, everything became too much. i live to please my dad, but that has seemed impossible over the last few months, and the dreams were just too much, and i couldn't take it anymore, so i cut, i burnt and bruised all in one night.
I dont want to do it again, and i want to help other people that are trying to stop, or want to stop.
the cuts were never deep enough to cause any serious damage, which i've always been thankful for. its hard to explain the sensation self harm gave me. sometimes i wouldn't even realise i had done it until i looked down and saw the blood. i remember the moments when cutting was all i wanted to do, and i feel so ashamed. i'm ashamed of everything to do with my past.
i dont mind if you didnt read this, i know its really long, and this is just a brief summary :/ the full detailed version would be 100 times longer.
i just want to say, if anyone who reads this has just started to self harm, or is about to start. don't. stop thinking about it and stop doing it while you can, because one day it will be how you cope with your day, and that is the worst feeling i've ever had, and i know you wont like it, but you will think its the only way. it isnt. there are other ways of dealing with these emotions.
there's always an alternative