A sonnet

[krafty29]

Well yeah this is my first time trying a sonnet so just bear with it, I know I have a long way to go but I'd love a critique.

They see the self inflicted scars on your arm,
The cuts that you worked so hard to resist,
They never see that you self harm,
There ignorance is your bliss.
Our situation seems strange to me,
So many people will judge,
In the end it doesn't matter you see,
For we all give Death's door the nudge.
Something sweet was born from our mental abyss,
It was because of it that we met,
And so may I say I am grateful this,
That one fact relieves all regret.
We were spurred on by depression,
Drove to our twisted obsession.

[Tiberius]

Cutting and Self Harm :arrow: Open Book.

[Jean Poutine]

Well yeah this is my first time trying a sonnet so just bear with it, I know I have a long way to go but I'd love a critique.

//They see the self inflicted scars on your arm,//
The cuts that you worked so hard to resist,
They never see that you self harm,
There ignorance is your bliss.

Our situation seems strange to me,
So many people will judge,
In the end it doesn't matter you see,
For we all give Death's door the nudge.

//Something sweet was born from our mental abyss,//
It was because of it that we met,
And so may I say I am grateful this,

That one fact relieves all regret.
We were spurred on by depression,
Drove to our twisted obsession.

cut your stanzas correctly. i did it for you this time.

your sestet is not rhymed properly. it's either aba - aba or abc - abc.

slashed verses are clunky as hell, rewrite that.

bold's so cliched, you can do better, and resist and bliss do not rhyme.

underlined makes zero sense.

i really don't like the red stanza. it barely makes sense to me. i can't twist out the meaning out of it, and i'm no slouch. if the self-harm that you seem to have both undertaken doesn't matter in the end, why write about it? think about the finality. a poet never writes about things that do not matter in the end. it tells me you're not treating your subject matter properly. if it doesn't matter people you think everyone goes near death (another possible explanation for that 8th verse - as i assume here you allude to cutting here again), then why would they judge you?

your syllable count is all over the place. i won't comment on the stress pattern because i'm not qualified.

[krafty29]

your sestet is not rhymed properly. it's either aba - aba or abc - abc.

slashed verses are clunky as hell, rewrite that.

bold's so cliched, you can do better, and resist and bliss do not rhyme.

underlined makes zero sense.

i really don't like the red stanza. it barely makes sense to me. i can't twist out the meaning out of it, and i'm no slouch. if the self-harm that you seem to have both undertaken doesn't matter in the end, why write about it? think about the finality. a poet never writes about things that do not matter in the end. it tells me you're not treating your subject matter properly. if it doesn't matter people you think everyone goes near death (another possible explanation for that 8th verse - as i assume here you allude to cutting here again), then why would they judge you?

your syllable count is all over the place. i won't comment on the stress pattern because i'm not qualified.

It's a shakespearian sonnet, I suppose I should have said. This takes the form of three quatrains and a rhyming couplet with an abab cdcd efef gg rhyme scheme.

I don't get what you mean by bold, if your referring to that line in bold that isn't bolded in the original.

The underlined part was an accident somewhere along the line I deleted the word for, it should say "for this."

I was referring to the fact that the peoples opinions didn't matter as opposed to self harm being the thing that didn't matter.

[Jean Poutine]

petrachan sonnets > shakespearean

[krafty29]

petrachan sonnets > shakespearean

lulz

[munchausen]

I've never heard of a petrachan sonnet

sorry for the double poost but why not check out this thread http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?p=806014#post806014

[Jean Poutine]

petrarchan smartass who the fuck cares

oh lol u mist an r olololololololol

fucking wiseass teens these days

[Bels_Revenge]

Well against others.. I like it