Within Anger I found my Light [Short Poem]

[ErykaInspire.]

Staring at another hole in the wall
I start to think to myself,
Anger shouldn't control me.
It can't be good for my health.

As the wall starts to crumble
I see the light shining through.
Against the glare of the sun
I see my light is you.

You broke down my walls,
And fought your way in.
The result of my anger
is just a memory within.

[Blood]

I really like this one (:

[clovermcm]

Aww that's really sweet; I like it a lot. It kind of represents how I felt a few months ago.

[Jean Poutine]

Staring at another hole in the wall
I start to think to myself,
Anger shouldn't control me.
It can't be good for my health.

As the wall starts to crumble
I see the light shining through.
Against the glare of the sun
I see my light is you.

You broke down my walls,
And fought your way in.
The result of my anger
is just a memory within.

stylistic first because i'm a bitch.

you're missing a word in the underlined. within? within what?

syllable pattern is all over the place, but at this point, i'm not surprised. i should just stop mentioning it, nobody will ever listen to me on that one.

use a synonym (or just something close enough) for one of the bold. basically do a stephenie meyer, it's acceptable in poetry. flash, fire, laser, mixed color spectrum, i don't care, you're the writer. same for anger.

you're repeating yourself in the underlined. i get it, i get it, he broke down your solitude, anger, whatever was isolating you from the world, or what have you, but there's really no need to say it twice. the repetition here is not meaningful. lose one instance and write something else.

yellow's like in soccer, a minor penalty but you don't have to listen to me, you can always sock the ref in the jaw and run away. crumble is weak. cookies crumble. walls don't - they crack. hell if i were whoever is your light i'd line up these walls with c4 and blow them up, and trust me they'd do more than crumble. if you want to point out that it took a long time, may i suggest "(slowly) fissure"? if not, "crack" is good enough, as is "explode", "disintegrate", "got lazored by sharks" or "chuck norris gave the wall a roundhouse kick".

now, for the contect.

first stanza is way out there. it barely relates to the rest of your poem. your subject is like a wire, ideally it should be straight, have a starting point and lead to an end. that end can be the end of a story, a reasoning, a world, whatever.

|
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that's how it should look like. yours looks like :
--------> |
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the start of your poem is completely disconnected, in fact there's only "wall" and "anger" linking the stanza to the rest at all. i'd rewrite it and make how you feel in these walls clearer. like, i dunno, despair, anguish, self-sufficiency, fun, silly rabbit, trix are for kids, etc.

i had more shit but it's 6 and i gotta go sleep, so a few last words

celery
sidewalk

[overcome.]

Well, I think you're creative writing is very good.

[ErykaInspire.]

Claude, you obviously have no sense of imagination. My poem doesn't need to be criticized, it has great meaning to me and it does make sense. Maybe if you stopped looking for flaws in other peoples metaphors, you'd be able to see the beauty within them. The was CRUMBLED because it fell apart piece by piece. It didn't just get a crack in it-it got completely demolished. As for doing a 'Stephanie Meyer', I think not. I'd rather do an 'Eryka Leigh'. Which, yes, is ME. I write my own poems, with my own feelings and stories behind them.
"My anger is just a memory within" isn't missing a word. Within means within myself, just a memory.
If you think it's so bad, how about you rewrite it yourself?
Ignorance isn't bliss, my dear. You need to start looking for the good instead of the bad otherwise you're going to become someone you hate.
I appreciate you trying to help, but I don't respect you for insulting my writing.

[Jean Poutine]

who the hell is claude

don't nerd rage on me because you opened yourself to criticism. i gave it. not satisfied or happy, or don't agree? then ignore it, i'm not forcing you at knifepoint to take my advice.

Claude, you obviously have no sense of imagination.

my sense of imagination is so lacking, i've won contests and got nothing but praise all through high school.

i'd post a few but they'd be meaningless to you or anybody else here. they're all in french. you'll have to believe me on my word that i know what i'm doing.

My poem doesn't need to be criticized, it has great meaning to me and it does make sense.

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hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! you're not above criticism. and if it makes sense to you then don't show it to others.

As for doing a 'Stephanie Meyer', I think not. I'd rather do an 'Eryka Leigh'. Which, yes, is ME. I write my own poems, with my own feelings and stories behind them.

that was an expression. now who's the one with no imagination?

by the way, you can't hide faulty word usage behind "hay but it's myyyyy ritinnnnn". though some abuses of language are accepted through the use of "poetic licence", poetry still has a few rules of its own. poetry is more elegant when you refer to concepts in multiple, different but subtle ways, to allow the reader to catch every aspect of the emotion you're trying to convey.

if you've ever read twilight you would have caught the joke instantly. btw twilight sucks.

there, you've got "anger", and, well, "anger". i got it the first time, i don't need it twice. what you did is the poetic equivalent of writing "the dog is my friend. i like the dog. the dog is very nice." while you would use a pronoun in standard prose, you should use a difference but related symbol or at the very least, a synonym in poetry. it would make it more readable.

but what the hell do i know, right?

"My anger is just a memory within" isn't missing a word. Within means within myself, just a memory.

well, yes it does. it misses "myself", for one, and had you added it, the verse would be flawless. not only is it missing a word, it's also ending in a preposition, and that simple addition would have salvaged both weak points in one swoop. the fact that you had to clear it up in the first place should tell loads.

don't hide behind poetic licence. poetry still requires one to follow the rules of english prose. it is inadvisable to end sentences in a preposition, it's even in the sticky.

Maybe if you stopped looking for flaws in other peoples metaphors, you'd be able to see the beauty within them. The was CRUMBLED because it fell apart piece by piece.

"crumbling" is a weak analogy. as i said, cookies crumble. walls crack and shatter. i wanted to give your poem more power. you don't agree? fine, don't, don't bitch about it though.

by the way :

It didn't just get a crack in it-it got completely demolished.

my point exactly, crumbling walls aren't completely demolished, they're falling in disrepair. also you missed my use of a continuous verb tense, which implied multiple cracks, that led to an inevitable conclusion. the metaphor would have been much stronger if you simply alluded to the finality because people would have then had more ease relating to the verse.

thanks for playing.

If you think it's so bad, how about you rewrite it yourself?

did i ever say it was bad? if i wanted to tell you that you're an horrible writer and that your poetry wasn't worth the bandwidth it takes to load it on my part of the planet, i would have told you so, much like i'm telling you right at this moment that you're bitching for nothing. even now I'm not even telling you that you're bad, just overreacting. i'm not in the habit or in the mood of being indirect : if i wanted to tell you you were awful, i would have done so straight-up, bluntly. you're seeing insinuations that are just not there.

instead i was pretty mild and didn't say a thing about the quality, just things that imo could use improvement. i've been much harsher on other people.

you, however, chose to overreact and took it completely the wrong way. newsflash, don't post on the internet if you're unable to take a punch. you posted poetry here, you opened yourself to criticism. i even gave you all advance notice that i would scour and criticise. then i gave it and you bitch. surely you can see the lack of reasoning behind your actions.

moreover, you want me to rewrite it...how? for god's sake i only criticised your use of language, i didn't even touch the subject matter or your "metaphors" aside from one instance where i felt that it lacked poignancy (and it does). are you like this with your teachers too? obviously, that flew right by your head as you read my original post behind a red veil.

Ignorance isn't bliss, my dear.

i'm an college student currently majoring in modern languages, and i will undertake my bachelor in literary studies in 3 months. i'm far from ignorant on the subject.

You need to start looking for the good instead of the bad otherwise you're going to become someone you hate.

in other words : itt constructive criticism is praise only

by the way i love what i'm becoming, but nice try.

but I don't respect you for insulting my writing.

you're flying off the handle there. since when is constructive criticism insulting? it's not my job to safeguard your fragile ego. you post it publicly, expect feedback.

[Triceratops]

Jason, there's absolutely nothing wrong with constructive criticism, but I think you fail to understand that sometimes you're going a bit overboard with it.

Eryka, it's a lovely poem, although some people may struggle to relate to it. I think because I can understand where you're coming from in your poem, it means something to me as well (as I've undergone similar experiences). If that makes sense?

[Jean Poutine]

how is that going overboard?

[Kaya]

this is a rlly nice poem :)

[jakob oliver]

tats good