poem i wrote

[DecemberRain]

Happiness

Hard to breath,
Hard to speak,
As tears run down,
Thinking of what could be,
Wishing it would be,
Wishing that it will be,
And knowing inside,
The feelings are the same,
Yet not able to be together,
Willing to do anything,
For if distance didn't exist,
You'd be the one,
You say its for the best,
But in my heart and head,
I can see that the best,
Is not the best,
For in the end,
There's only one thing matters,
Happiness is key,
The best does not always fulfill,
The one who creates happiness,
Is the one that triumphs,
The one that triumphs my best,
Is forever and always,
You and only you

[Cosmic]

Hi Hailey - Did you want a critique of your work, or are you just putting it out there for people to read and enjoy? I have a few ideas for you if you were interested in improving it at all.

[DecemberRain]

I put it up for both reasons. I'd love to hear your suggestions:)

[NeedyTeen]

I liked it! I like writing poems too. Just a bit of advise, do not use the same word over and over again. I do it too though, lol. Sometimes I just cant think of anything else to put!

[Scarface]

you have a very beautiful way of writing. I would continue it maybe this could be your calling in life. What a message thank you for posting keep em coming

[Cosmic]

Okay Hailey - I just wanted to say I thought this was a beautiful poem and it felt very genuine. You haven't tried to be overly clever with your language, and that makes it feel very real. So well done. Here are my suggestions to improve the piece - remember it's just my opinion; what I say isn't by any means fact:


You have a couple of redundant lines that bring nothing to the meaning or flow such as "Wishing it would be, Wishing that it will be". By cutting out one of those lines you can make the piece feel a little more coherent, which is important when you're trying to convey a simplistic, but genuine feeling.
Excessive use of commas hinders flow and makes it difficult to read. By chopping up the flow in this way, you are distorting the sense of the piece. Several times I had to re-read a line or two because of a randomly placed comma at the end of the line. Carrying the line onto the next is called "enjambment" and is a very useful technique - consider using it more.
"There's only one thing matters" - grammar! Make sure your lines still make sense. In this line you need to put a "that" in for it to be considered correct English.
"I can see that the best, Is not the best" seems rather contradictory. Consider placing something synonymous with "what you think is best" instead of simply "the best". Currently the line doesn't really make sense - it's like saying "that this chair, is not really a chair". Well then what is it?


To re-iterate, your poem was beautiful and I look forward to reading further work from you in the future.

[DecemberRain]

bakatdarkcornergenis: Thank you:) hopefully it will be

NeedyTeen: Thank you, i love writing them. just sometimes theres no words that come to mind:P

[DecemberRain]

Cosmic: thank you for your suggestions and thoughts. I changed it a bit. That one line with the grammer error, i didnt even notice:P i reread it a bunch of times but i never saw it lol. :)