Dawn To Dusk

[Dive to Survive]

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[Cosmic]

Hi Kaname, I'm afraid I haven't got time to review all of the story at once, so I'm going to come back and do it in chapters. For now, I've focussed on chapter one. I've broken it up into bullet points. If you need me to expand on anything to further explain, I'll be happy to do so.


Nice, gripping beginning; the prologue throws the reader straight into the plot. However, I feel you've given a little too much away with the "last conversation" bit. I haven't read your entire story yet, but that at least has me predicting what happens. I appreciate however you may have introduced a plot twist; so this criticism may change.
You've used a lot of long sentences; try and build suspense with shorter sentences from time to time - it speeds up the dialogue but also makes it start and stop, increasing the sense of unpredictability and frantic attitude. For example, instead of "As I woke up and looked around the following morning" you could have said "I woke up. It was the following morning... I looked around."
There seems to be a detracting from the suspense you're creating with seemingly irrelevant information about running. By doing this you distract the reader from the very serious situation taking place; and you also take away from the value of the situation for the persona (1st person character). It demonstrates that the mind of the person narrating isn't focussed on the fire, so the reader follows. Stay focussed.
The persona seems detached from the disaster. Most kids would be very distressed.
Good story progression; the plot doesn't hang around which is good and keeps the reader engaged. I hope this pace keeps up!


Please remember I'm here to help you, so don't take my comments personally if I criticise anything - writing takes practise and experience, which at 13 you won't have all that much of. Also remember that these criticisms are only my opinion. Writing is subjective, which means that you don't have to agree with me or change anything. This is simply me suggesting some ideas and techniques that are known to work well.

Well done! Looking forward to reading the rest when I get back later. :)

[Jess]

It's pretty good but I was confused by the plot...

[Dive to Survive]

I deleted all my stories. They're too personal to be shared before they're done! :)