1_21Guns
March 10th, 2010, 04:50 PM
I was sat in the dinner hall at lunch, when I recieved a text from my dad, my guard was completely down for this as I was expecting to to happen next week, not this week (for those who don't know, my parents have split and i don't see my dad anymore for reasons of verbal and emotional abuse etc, although my mother has no idea thats why). Suddenly my emotions just got lost, I didn't know if I was mad or sad, or what I was doing for that matter, I just put my head in my hands and started shaking trying to stop myself from crying. My friend kept saying whats wrong? but I couldn't answer, I just said I have to go, and walked out, took a walk around the school grounds, then dragged myself back. Suddenly the mixed emotions were exchanged for a sudden burst of anger. I'm tired of this, I can't go a single place in this damned village where there isn't a memory, something to trigger a flashback, theres always something.
Majority of my friends have still taken to deciding I no longer exist, might aswel not at this rate.
Then something I perhaps scared myself with more than anything, I have a cold, so I use hand sanitzer more than usual, but there was this scratch/cut thing on the palm of my hand, which of course the split second it comes into contact witht he sanitzer, hurts like mad. I can't say I wanted the pain to stop though... it felt good. Reminded me how much I really want to cut right now, just really want to give up and cut.
I don't feel as bad as I did earlier anymore, its just i've only just managed to bring myself to write it all down.
I'm not even scared of dieing anymore.
I'm just going to put this lunch down to living on the edge for too long, with little things continually nudgeing me closer to the edge, then that text was just a huge push. I just really don't know anymore, and I don't even know what thats all about. Flashbacks everywhere I turn, every minute, moodswings every 5 minutes. I can't say I really want to die at this moment in time, but i wouldn't care if i did.
Majority of my friends have still taken to deciding I no longer exist, might aswel not at this rate.
Then something I perhaps scared myself with more than anything, I have a cold, so I use hand sanitzer more than usual, but there was this scratch/cut thing on the palm of my hand, which of course the split second it comes into contact witht he sanitzer, hurts like mad. I can't say I wanted the pain to stop though... it felt good. Reminded me how much I really want to cut right now, just really want to give up and cut.
I don't feel as bad as I did earlier anymore, its just i've only just managed to bring myself to write it all down.
I'm not even scared of dieing anymore.
I'm just going to put this lunch down to living on the edge for too long, with little things continually nudgeing me closer to the edge, then that text was just a huge push. I just really don't know anymore, and I don't even know what thats all about. Flashbacks everywhere I turn, every minute, moodswings every 5 minutes. I can't say I really want to die at this moment in time, but i wouldn't care if i did.