radarlove413
March 7th, 2010, 12:49 PM
Void
I rise from my bed, unable to sleep any longer. No matter how hard I try to slip down into that fog where nothing matters, it just won’t come to me. The warmth of the sheets is suffocating, the stillness of the room driving me mad.
Even the dimness of the room makes me want to scream. As I pull the sheets back and set my two feet on the floor, I pad over to the window where the curtains shroud everything in darkness. Everything is still, quiet, and I hate it. The peace that usually finds me on mornings like this is gone, vanquished by a yesterday that I’ll never forget.
Taking a breath to try and calm my scattered thoughts, I open the curtains to see the snow gently falling to the ground. The room is filled with light, and now this makes me even more restless. This brightness, the sunlight hitting every corner, it’s absolute proof that my yesterday has passed.
I go back and sit on my bed. After a few seconds, I try and lie down again, closing my eyes and telling myself that I shouldn’t worry.
I hate this. These days after the amazing ones, when you realize that even though things changed last night, the coming day was going to be utterly boring. Routine. Like everything that came before.
The worst kind of hangover.
And I know I’ve got to get on with this. Go shower, get dressed, and make myself ready to face the day. I need to, but when I close my eyes, I see yesterday, and it makes all those thoughts freeze. Something changed majorly, and now I’m left looking at this blank, open future.
And each time the memory plays, I find a new flaw. Something that I might have done wrong, something that could make this happy house of cards come tumbling around me. I’ve learned not to trust my happiness, that when you really think that things are going good, something will happen that will turn thing upside down. That those words which I’m so afraid of, it was a mistake, would come. Or, that nothing would be spoken at all, that I’d just be forgotten by the one who changed everything for me.
My heart beats faster than normal, already waiting for the words I know I need to hear. And, never knowing when they’ll come, I’ll have to live with this anxiety for hours, or even days. Haunted by the anxiety that scatters my thoughts and blisters my mind, until the strong person I used to be is gone, replaced by somebody waiting for a message, a confirmation of my feared failure.
I know I need to get dressed, but instead, I walk to the window again. And, as I watch the snow gently fall to the ground, I’m reminded of the cost of truly living. How you can’t risk pleasure without pain, joy without sorrow. How life is just a roller coaster of crazy emotions and insecurities, and the only way to survive is to hold onto the bar and hang on tight, hoping that you don’t lose yourself along the way.
It’s this I try to accept as I lose myself in the falling snow, and all the insecurities of youth.
I rise from my bed, unable to sleep any longer. No matter how hard I try to slip down into that fog where nothing matters, it just won’t come to me. The warmth of the sheets is suffocating, the stillness of the room driving me mad.
Even the dimness of the room makes me want to scream. As I pull the sheets back and set my two feet on the floor, I pad over to the window where the curtains shroud everything in darkness. Everything is still, quiet, and I hate it. The peace that usually finds me on mornings like this is gone, vanquished by a yesterday that I’ll never forget.
Taking a breath to try and calm my scattered thoughts, I open the curtains to see the snow gently falling to the ground. The room is filled with light, and now this makes me even more restless. This brightness, the sunlight hitting every corner, it’s absolute proof that my yesterday has passed.
I go back and sit on my bed. After a few seconds, I try and lie down again, closing my eyes and telling myself that I shouldn’t worry.
I hate this. These days after the amazing ones, when you realize that even though things changed last night, the coming day was going to be utterly boring. Routine. Like everything that came before.
The worst kind of hangover.
And I know I’ve got to get on with this. Go shower, get dressed, and make myself ready to face the day. I need to, but when I close my eyes, I see yesterday, and it makes all those thoughts freeze. Something changed majorly, and now I’m left looking at this blank, open future.
And each time the memory plays, I find a new flaw. Something that I might have done wrong, something that could make this happy house of cards come tumbling around me. I’ve learned not to trust my happiness, that when you really think that things are going good, something will happen that will turn thing upside down. That those words which I’m so afraid of, it was a mistake, would come. Or, that nothing would be spoken at all, that I’d just be forgotten by the one who changed everything for me.
My heart beats faster than normal, already waiting for the words I know I need to hear. And, never knowing when they’ll come, I’ll have to live with this anxiety for hours, or even days. Haunted by the anxiety that scatters my thoughts and blisters my mind, until the strong person I used to be is gone, replaced by somebody waiting for a message, a confirmation of my feared failure.
I know I need to get dressed, but instead, I walk to the window again. And, as I watch the snow gently fall to the ground, I’m reminded of the cost of truly living. How you can’t risk pleasure without pain, joy without sorrow. How life is just a roller coaster of crazy emotions and insecurities, and the only way to survive is to hold onto the bar and hang on tight, hoping that you don’t lose yourself along the way.
It’s this I try to accept as I lose myself in the falling snow, and all the insecurities of youth.