An old outlook

[Waiting]

i havn't cut myself since my suicide attempt in march of last year.
when i was lying in the hospital bed thinking things through thats when i changed my ways. being put int he realisation of hwo far i actulary went and what i did to myself.

i put the past behind me and moved on. even threw away my knives. never looked back.
but events of recent, have led me back here. most of you know i stopped visiting this forum as much, it was because it reminded me of my old ways and i couldnt let myself be reminded of how i was. but because of the recent events in my life im back. the other night i was in tears, total crying hard and hard, nto beign in control of myself. i tipped my room upside down, tryign to find a knife. i turned out draws and i just cudnt find anythign. not onw knife. and i cried harder and harder and harder.
i felt again for the first time in over a year, that i needed a knife. and i wanted to cut myself.
the urges are comming back thick and fast.

i do not liek the person i am right now.
i do not like how i act.
my personality. im not a nice person to know.

i hate this.
i hate this
i hate this.

[JunkBondTrader]

I'm sorry, man. Was there any particular thing that made you wan't to do it?

[-Silence]

Hey Patch, I'm so sorry to hear this.
:hug:

If I may ask...what happened?

the other night i was in tears, total crying hard and hard, nto beign in control of myself. i tipped my room upside down, tryign to find a knife.

Did you want to cut so you would feel in control?
Not sure if you can or not, but if control is the case what I've found that helped me was driving. I would get upset and on the verge of cutting and instead I'd get behind the wheel and head a direction and go that way for hours until I felt "okay" enough to go back. If you can, try it...if not maybe try something, anything else that puts you in control and see if you still want to cut afterwards. If it's not about control...ignore everything I just said. (I'm sorry)

i do not liek the person i am right now.
i do not like how i act.
my personality. im not a nice person to know.
What about how you act or your personality do you not like?
You have the power to change that, you are who you make yourself to be.

I think you're amazing, I admire you for not cutting, and I hope you know this, but I do care.

Take Care,
Hang in there
:hug2:
-Heather

[Waiting]

it was the whole split with my girlfriend that put me into the mood. i was upset and angry, i do't know. and yes i did want that control back. i cant even remember how long i was out of control for. i didnt calm down till i had a shower. and even then i was in tears, so hard i couldnt stand up. i ghuess eventualry i just cried myself out.

i would love to get behidn the wheel. I can start learning to drive in september. i'll finally be 17. it just feels liek my age is having to play catch up. i feel liek i should be older. its horrible.

the reason i dont like myself is because im currently living by the things i was all against.

I lie

i lie about everything, its something i cant get out of, i jsut do it, and im good at it. nobodycan tell when im lieing, cuz 90% of the time, i am. i want to be an actor when im older, ive always loved acting and ive alwasy been good, but this has lead to affectign my real life. and so when i lie, im so convincing that people will just take my word. everybody belives me to be this real honest guy and im just not.

im addicted to smoking. and im addicted to cannabis. again im out of control. and ihate it.

im in a relationship i just cant deal with. we're abck together and nothings changed. now im seeing all her faults and i cant deal with it. i just cant. i dont want to break her heart. i cant break her heart. but i can feel my tolerance levels just rising and im about to explode and just go off the nut at someone.

I'm just really nto a nice person to know.
i feel that im screwing over everyone somehow at the moment.

[Φρανκομβριτ]

Well Patch, you're hurting her more the longer you're with her and you don't feel the same. If it's better for your well being, you need to break up with her. Thats the truth hun. We all have out fallbacks in life. Hell just a few hours ago I cut again for the first time in a while. I guess sometimes you need to fall back, so you can get back into gear. That doesn't make much sense. Patch, you're a smart guy, and you've got a lot going for you. You're out of school, nearly driving, and trust me. I know how it feels to be younger than you are. Just give it some time. We're all here to help you, but you know that. We love you hun. xxx

[Waiting]

i wont hurt her
i cant explain why im thinking how i am.
but all i know is, if i dont break with ehr then she doesnt get hurt
you dont understand what shes like
i couldnt do that to her
I do love her,
dont get me wrong
i love her so much
but im just not happy anymore.
but screw it. im not gonna split with her.
anyway this forum isnt relationships so yeah


I cut last night
i hadnt cut since march 17th 2005
so pretty big deal
not major cuts
didnt even bleed
but the fact i went back to the knife
whenever im not around anyone i just collapse,
i feel depressed again.
i hate this.
I Really honestly thoguth i'd broken free from all of this
i thoguht i'd broken my patterns, no cravings in a year till two nights ago.
and my will broke on the second night

look at myself
I'm Pathetic.

[Whisper]

hun its okay
its just a few scratches
I haven't cut in a few months but I've had a blade with me at all times for a good 2 and a half years
If its takin away for one reason or another I panic
like freak
I need to have it with me
I have one literally on me and I have like 30+ hidden in my room
I pitty the poor bastard that tries to go through my shit


Its okay if you had a little slip
shit happens
part of life
can't have the good without the bad

and hun you need to talk to Laura
I know we can't seem to connect anymore so I don't know the details of whats going on
but unless something has drastically changed I know she cares about you ALLOT

[Waiting]

okay
so nothing new really
apart from more cuts, more pain and more blood
Xx

[Activate]

Are you proud of you self mutilating yourself? Do you realise that the people who really love you would rather burn in a pit of lava than see you like this?

[~Cookie~]

I was doinf ok after I got out of the Hospital to.But as I got closer to te date I went in ((Which just happens to be this Wensday)) I got suicidal and started cutting again.So I know how you feel.I wish I could give you an answer.But the truth is I haven't even figured it out yet.:(