TakeMyHand
March 3rd, 2010, 11:36 PM
Hi, I’ve been long searching for someone like me but no matter where I look I can’t seem to find them. This is going to be long, so if you don't have the time for all of this, please at least skip to the last couple of paragraphs.
Before I even start, I think it's important that I tell a little about myself, it may help you all understand my situation a little better and get where I'm coming from with this.
My dad was basically a depressed irrational deadbeat, my mom couldn't stand it and turned to drugs and alcohol as well as a divorce when I was about 6. My mom, sister, and I decide to go it alone while my mom looked for someone else to marry, who never showed up even to this day 11 years later. No father and a 24/7 working mother meant no one pushing or guiding me to do anything outside of going to school and making good grades (which I do). The only father figures I ever had either disappeared within weeks or months, or turned out to be a drunk ignorant violent obsessive and possessive psycho case who would terrorize and threaten to kill us almost every day like my next door neighbor who my mom dated and we have been trapped next door to for 5 years. My mother was the only person who cared about me and my sister but she did not have the time with how hard she worked to ensure our mental, social, or spiritual wellbeing.
No one guiding me meant no social life, and when I tried to start one in 4th grade, it only resulted in ridicule by everyone including teachers because I did not fully understand how to deal with other people. I should probably also mention that we always lived somewhere completely secluded from anyone else so I was therefore isolated physically as much as mentally. By 6th grade I gave up any and all social interaction that was not required, and I despised human contact. By 9th grade I had been labeled a complete freak by so many people for so long that I believed it and made no attempt at friendship even though people at my new school did not make fun of me like at all my previous schools. I continued living with delusions and paranoia that everyone secretly hated me but had to stay quiet about it for some reason for 3 more years. I decided to stay away from all people as much as possible.
Then, finally, this year, things started to change. I met someone, someone I thought was special and different, someone who may have had similar experiences as me and would understand me, someone who I could talk openly to and would connect with, someone who would care, someone I could fall in love with and who could fall in love with me.
She seemed a lot like me, I thought I'd finally found someone I might be able to open up to. I had one class with her, and from knowing her from that class combined with her profile on Facebook, I became so crazy about her to an extend I could not even describe, my every thought was of her. I dreamed constantly of a future with her, one that was finally happy and full of love, but I realized this was premature and way too much to expect from someone I'd only known for 5 months and had barely said more than a few words to myself. Finally I could not stand it anymore and in a completely out-of-character moment of courage for me, I finally approached her one day near the end of the semester during a class project and asked if she'd like to work with me.
She smiled and said sure, and we talked and worked together for over an hour. We started talking a bit and after a few weeks, about the time this only class I would ever have with her was about over because of the new semester, somehow I got the courage to tell her I liked her and asked if she wanted to go see a movie or something sometime. She said she'd love too. I can honestly say this was THE happiest I'd ever been in my entire life, I felt like this was the start of something amazing and that finally things were going to start changing.
Turns out she isn't quite who I thought she was.
At this point, our class together had ended, so our only form of communication was through Facebook. After she said she'd like to go out, she later told me that the next weekend wouldn't work for her. I was perfectly fine with it, then the next weekend came and she said the same, then the next came and she didn't even answer my message, I sent another 5 days later and she never answered it either. I finally caught her on Facebook one day after nearly 2 weeks of no communication and opened up a chat with her acting casual as if nothing was wrong even though it had been over a month since I first asked her out and still nothing had happened yet. She mentioned that she did get my messages, but just really quickly said "oh yeah sorry I didn't answer them" and logged off without even saying bye.
I was so confused, it felt like that moment in the movies where you've been building up and up to the climax - except then it never happens. I tried to figure out why she was ignoring me, I assumed maybe she was just as shy as I was or something, or maybe she couldn't date because of her parents, etc. etc.
Turns out she just really doesn't care that much. I found out she's actually quite popular and has tons of friends in her other classes, so once I was no longer convenient to talk to, she just didn't care anymore. She's simply really charismatic and nice to everyone out of courtesy, I was really only ever just "some guy" and she had little interest, she had me fooled.
It's not that she's a bad person, it's not that she's mean, it's just that she's already got everything together - a perfect family, tons of friends, etc. - and she has little interest in someone like me, she knows nothing of the problems I have and, while she wouldn't be rude about it, she just doesn't care or want anything to do with that stuff. That's understandable, and I'm happy for her for having a good life, but that doesn't help me and it means I am still alone and on my own again (or never really wasn't).
I'm not saying it's bad for people to have good, healthy (physically and mentally) lives, it's the part where they don't understand or care about the people who don't.
Why is it that I cannot find anyone else like me? No one I ever meet seems to be very emotional, caring, or thoughtful. Everybody I ever meet - all the girls at school or elsewhere are always the "Yeah so I went out with my boyfriend last weekend, whatever :rolleyes: " type, not the "... you love me? :o " (teary dramatic moment) type that you can have a long, deep, and spiritual conversation with. No one is genuine. Why are there no girls who have gone through similar things I have and are in need of someone to make their life feel full - like I am? Isn't there anyone struggling with some kind of emotional problems - or are even simply a bit shy - who are looking for someone else who will care about them? And why does it seem no one is romantic or passionate anymore either? Like dating, love, and relationships is something mundane?
It might seem strange that I WANT to find someone with some kind of metal or emotional baggage, it's just that to find someone who I can be there for as much as they would be there for me. I want to be with someone who understands, has similar issues, who cares to fix them, and then we can help each other with them, and who wouldn't view the relationship as mundane and disposable but instead treats it as the most important thing in their life just as I would.
Ugh, I don't know how to explain it. Am I making sense? And if so, why can't I find this in anyone, anyone who is real, passionate, understanding, and longing for something meaningful?
Before I even start, I think it's important that I tell a little about myself, it may help you all understand my situation a little better and get where I'm coming from with this.
My dad was basically a depressed irrational deadbeat, my mom couldn't stand it and turned to drugs and alcohol as well as a divorce when I was about 6. My mom, sister, and I decide to go it alone while my mom looked for someone else to marry, who never showed up even to this day 11 years later. No father and a 24/7 working mother meant no one pushing or guiding me to do anything outside of going to school and making good grades (which I do). The only father figures I ever had either disappeared within weeks or months, or turned out to be a drunk ignorant violent obsessive and possessive psycho case who would terrorize and threaten to kill us almost every day like my next door neighbor who my mom dated and we have been trapped next door to for 5 years. My mother was the only person who cared about me and my sister but she did not have the time with how hard she worked to ensure our mental, social, or spiritual wellbeing.
No one guiding me meant no social life, and when I tried to start one in 4th grade, it only resulted in ridicule by everyone including teachers because I did not fully understand how to deal with other people. I should probably also mention that we always lived somewhere completely secluded from anyone else so I was therefore isolated physically as much as mentally. By 6th grade I gave up any and all social interaction that was not required, and I despised human contact. By 9th grade I had been labeled a complete freak by so many people for so long that I believed it and made no attempt at friendship even though people at my new school did not make fun of me like at all my previous schools. I continued living with delusions and paranoia that everyone secretly hated me but had to stay quiet about it for some reason for 3 more years. I decided to stay away from all people as much as possible.
Then, finally, this year, things started to change. I met someone, someone I thought was special and different, someone who may have had similar experiences as me and would understand me, someone who I could talk openly to and would connect with, someone who would care, someone I could fall in love with and who could fall in love with me.
She seemed a lot like me, I thought I'd finally found someone I might be able to open up to. I had one class with her, and from knowing her from that class combined with her profile on Facebook, I became so crazy about her to an extend I could not even describe, my every thought was of her. I dreamed constantly of a future with her, one that was finally happy and full of love, but I realized this was premature and way too much to expect from someone I'd only known for 5 months and had barely said more than a few words to myself. Finally I could not stand it anymore and in a completely out-of-character moment of courage for me, I finally approached her one day near the end of the semester during a class project and asked if she'd like to work with me.
She smiled and said sure, and we talked and worked together for over an hour. We started talking a bit and after a few weeks, about the time this only class I would ever have with her was about over because of the new semester, somehow I got the courage to tell her I liked her and asked if she wanted to go see a movie or something sometime. She said she'd love too. I can honestly say this was THE happiest I'd ever been in my entire life, I felt like this was the start of something amazing and that finally things were going to start changing.
Turns out she isn't quite who I thought she was.
At this point, our class together had ended, so our only form of communication was through Facebook. After she said she'd like to go out, she later told me that the next weekend wouldn't work for her. I was perfectly fine with it, then the next weekend came and she said the same, then the next came and she didn't even answer my message, I sent another 5 days later and she never answered it either. I finally caught her on Facebook one day after nearly 2 weeks of no communication and opened up a chat with her acting casual as if nothing was wrong even though it had been over a month since I first asked her out and still nothing had happened yet. She mentioned that she did get my messages, but just really quickly said "oh yeah sorry I didn't answer them" and logged off without even saying bye.
I was so confused, it felt like that moment in the movies where you've been building up and up to the climax - except then it never happens. I tried to figure out why she was ignoring me, I assumed maybe she was just as shy as I was or something, or maybe she couldn't date because of her parents, etc. etc.
Turns out she just really doesn't care that much. I found out she's actually quite popular and has tons of friends in her other classes, so once I was no longer convenient to talk to, she just didn't care anymore. She's simply really charismatic and nice to everyone out of courtesy, I was really only ever just "some guy" and she had little interest, she had me fooled.
It's not that she's a bad person, it's not that she's mean, it's just that she's already got everything together - a perfect family, tons of friends, etc. - and she has little interest in someone like me, she knows nothing of the problems I have and, while she wouldn't be rude about it, she just doesn't care or want anything to do with that stuff. That's understandable, and I'm happy for her for having a good life, but that doesn't help me and it means I am still alone and on my own again (or never really wasn't).
I'm not saying it's bad for people to have good, healthy (physically and mentally) lives, it's the part where they don't understand or care about the people who don't.
Why is it that I cannot find anyone else like me? No one I ever meet seems to be very emotional, caring, or thoughtful. Everybody I ever meet - all the girls at school or elsewhere are always the "Yeah so I went out with my boyfriend last weekend, whatever :rolleyes: " type, not the "... you love me? :o " (teary dramatic moment) type that you can have a long, deep, and spiritual conversation with. No one is genuine. Why are there no girls who have gone through similar things I have and are in need of someone to make their life feel full - like I am? Isn't there anyone struggling with some kind of emotional problems - or are even simply a bit shy - who are looking for someone else who will care about them? And why does it seem no one is romantic or passionate anymore either? Like dating, love, and relationships is something mundane?
It might seem strange that I WANT to find someone with some kind of metal or emotional baggage, it's just that to find someone who I can be there for as much as they would be there for me. I want to be with someone who understands, has similar issues, who cares to fix them, and then we can help each other with them, and who wouldn't view the relationship as mundane and disposable but instead treats it as the most important thing in their life just as I would.
Ugh, I don't know how to explain it. Am I making sense? And if so, why can't I find this in anyone, anyone who is real, passionate, understanding, and longing for something meaningful?