Gone.

[nachtspiegel]

Some of you may remember how I used to come on and tell about my sister's health problems. (Kidney failure, and more recently, respiratory problems and heart failure.)
She died today at about 3pm. She had been in the hospital for going on two weeks. She had a blood clot in her right lung and they were in the process of trying to elevate her blood pressure so that she would in satisfactory condition to have a heart valve replacement. They were giving her a lot of blood thinners (even with the leaky valve in her heart,) and today, her blood pressure bottomed out and she coded. She was waiting to go down for surgery to excavate fluid from around her heart and lungs. My mom, my other sister, and I had gone up there to see her. Her blood pressure bottomed out last night - but not as bad - and they moved her to the ICU to monitor her.
My other sister stepped out to call her babysitter and let her babysitter know that she'd need her to keep my niece for a while longer while my sister was in surgery. All of a sudden, my sister's blood pressure bottomed out, she started gasping - she was trying to say something to us - and her heart stopped. My mom and I saw it all happen. The nurse advised that we step out, my mom and I got outside of the unit, and they called a code blue.
My mom started screaming and she hit the floor. I picked her up, carried her down the hall to the ICU waiting area, and put her in a chair. A couple of nurses came along and started talking to her and I ran to get my sister.
My brothers, my uncle, my aunt, and four family friends showed up soon afterward. They tried for twenty minutes to get her heart beating again. They did CPR, they put her on a ventilator, a chest tube, and they cracked her chest open... all to no avail. They came out and told us that she was gone and my mom started screaming again and fell out of her chair. My sister started bawling and so did my brothers. I just stood there stone faced and talked to the chaplain.

We got back earlier and I went up to her room. I laid down on her bed, saw a picture of us on her bedside table, and started bawling. I took the picture to my room. I'm trying to keep my composure and I have no clue what tomorrow is going to hold. It isn't going to hit me until I try to call her and see how she's feeling tomorrow.

I sit here and wonder what she was trying to say to me before her heart stopped. I see it all every time I close my eyes and I can't stop. My sister was the person I was closest to. She was not only my sister but my best friend. It's going to get a hell of a lot worse before it ever begins to get better.

I knew this day was going to come, but I hoped that it wouldn't end like this. She didn't deserve to die that way. She deserved to have peace.

[MysticalBurrito]

I'm so sorry for your loss... :hug:
If you need someone to talk or want to talk feel free to PM me.

[BuryYourFlame]

You know I'm here if you feel like talkin man. I'm not gonna pretend like I know what you're going through, it is probably drastically different, but my mum died a few years ago, so I can at least partially relate...

PM me any time.

Stay safe...

[Bougainvillea]

David, I know exactly what you're going through. You see every moment you spent with that person when they go. Every memory is now resting with her. Good, and bad. It's hard to accept that every bit of the person you love is now gone, but you have something. You have her flesh. Her blood. You carry the genes she did, and maybe even her last name.

Your tears are just as salty as hers were.

Remember that even though I don't know you, I love you. With everything inside me.
I love you.

[nachtspiegel]

I keep seeing it. The gasping. Her eyes rolling into the back of her head as her heart stopped. Her face turning blue.
I don't know what she wanted to say. It's fucking with my head.

[Bougainvillea]

Every night, I lie down seeing my dad holding his throat and blood running in between his fingers.

These are painful thoughts David, but you know what? It's something that's going to take you to hell and back. But you come back as someone who understands death. And once you're able to understand and actually feel it around you, you reach a fork in the road. You reach whether you're afraid of it, or you embrace it. The latter is the preferred choice, but unfortunately I couldn't afford that luxury.

For now, all I can say is cry.

[MarshallManiac10]

thats awful. I's so sorry.. but we are all here for you.

[Sapphire]

:hug3:
I am so sorry to hear this, David.
I don't have any fantastic words of advice but I wanted you to know that I've read this.
My thoughts and best wishes are with you x

[nick]

David, what a horrible experience for you, but at least you know she wasnt alone. Really sorry, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

[BeautifulDisaster]

Hi there.

I understand the pain you are going through hon, it's so devistating to lose someone, especially a loved one.

But take comfort in the fact she is now out of pain, out of suffering, and she is watching over you, I'm sure she'd want you to live life and to be happy, I know right now that seems impossible, but as time goes on, you'll be able to make a place for her in your heart, and take comfort in the fact she's no longer in any pain, and you'll be able to try and keep going on with life, not without her, I do believe after you die, SOMETHING is after, not sure what, but try to remember that she's still with you, in your memories(try to remember the good ones), in your heart, and in your soul.
Try to imagine that she's still there, holding your hand, giggling, smiling, at peace...
You sound like you love her an awful lot, it's lovely to see such love.

I do understand the torture of watching someone pass away, I've recently had to do that all over again too, it's heart breaking, truly it is...

I'm so sorry for your loss, if you ever want to talk, my PM box is always open.

R.I.P to your sister, and my condolences to you and everyone who knew her.

I hope you all manage to pull through this, and to come out the other side...

x

[overcome.]

I'm sorry for the loss and the horrible experience that you and your family have been through. Nothing any of us can say will bring her back, but we want you to know that we're all here for you.

[Obscene Eyedeas]

We are all here for you Hun. but don't bottle it up like lawrence said cry, cry, like a babe. i know what your going through. i held my friend as he bled to death in my arms and i couldn do anything to change what was happening. i came to that fork lawrence mentioned and like him i choose right. your friends Are all here for you. and if you need to talk to someone pm me. i know what your going through and the pain is unbearable i know. but don't be afraid to lean on someone Hun im so sorry for your loss. but don't bottle this up please

[nachtspiegel]

She waited until she saw me again before she let go... I know that much. I got almost no sleep last night. I kept seeing it. I failed her as a brother and I'm never gonna forgive myself for that.

[Sapphire]

David, you didn't fail her.

I mean, what could you have done? Could you have stopped her blood pressure dropping? Could you have got her pressure back up?

It is natural to feel guilty, but that does not mean that you are guilty of anything.

You didn't fail her.
You loved her intensely while she was alive. You were by her side when she needed her family the most. And you will always love and remember her.
That is all that can ever be asked of any of us and it is all that any of us can give.

[CuriousDestruction]

you haven't failed her as a brother. you didn't fail her at all. you stayed with her. for so long you supported her and you were there for her till the very end. many people, myself included, would not be able to do that at all. she got to see you before she died. that was probably all she really wanted. i'm really sorry for your loss. losing a loved one is so painful, sometimes i think it takes a little bit of our souls away each time it happens. PM me if you wanna talk dude. once again, im so sorry.

[nachtspiegel]

And that's the thing... I couldn't, but I feel like I should have been able to. Any other time I could help her and when she needed help the most, I was useless.
I am eternally grateful that she held on until I was able to see her one last time. I know she didn't want to go alone. I imagine she wanted our mother there because they were close and she wanted me there because I was always there through everything.
The world feels so dark and I have never felt so alone. There's a pier-type structure that extends from a path down by the river that we used to go to all the time. I went there earlier to try to gather my head. I felt a little closer to her while I was there, but as soon as I left, I lost it.

We go tomorrow to set up her arrangements. She wanted to be buried either with our grandmother or with her daughter. At this point, we can't afford to bury her, so my mom is looking to do the next best thing she feels we can do... cremate her and keep her remains until we can afford to have her buried with her baby. We might not even be able to have a viewing and I didn't think about the possibility that seeing her cold in the hospital was the last time I'd see her. I would have stayed longer and I'm torn up because I didn't.

My other sister and I about came to blows. I went upstairs to her bedroom and locked myself in. I needed time alone. She wanted to come in and I tried to tell her - while sobbing like an idiot - that I needed to be by myself. She got angry and said "well, we're going to the fucking hospital" (my mom had to sign for her medical records) and went to walk off and I said "wait a minute for me." "I don't have a minute to wait on your fucking ass."

I followed her back down here and I came off with "I don't understand what I've done with you, but you don't have to be this way with me." She's telling everyone that I got rude with her but I could barely keep my throat clear long enough to talk. It ended up progressing to her threatening to punch me in my face and I ended up leaving. We're okay now, but I don't want to be here and if it wasn't for my mother needing someone, I wouldn't be.

People are telling me that I'll "be fine before long" and I'll "get over it" and I just want to lash out and cave their heads in. Not only was she my big sister, but she was my best friend and she also watched out for me like I was her son when my own mother didn't. My daily routine included her and I feel like a car that's crashed and is catching ablaze. I keep seeing her face as her heart stopped. I keep wondering what she wanted to say. I want to scream but I know it won't help.

I want to do things the way I know she'd want me to, but I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I'm tired of being told to be strong. I was the only one who stayed stone faced in the hospital and I've kept a stiff lip in front of everyone. I feel like a cracked bottle that's going to shatter.

I feel all by myself in this world and nobody understands.

[Kahn]

Some of you may remember how I used to come on and tell about my sister's health problems. (Kidney failure, and more recently, respiratory problems and heart failure.)
She died today at about 3pm. She had been in the hospital for going on two weeks. She had a blood clot in her right lung and they were in the process of trying to elevate her blood pressure so that she would in satisfactory condition to have a heart valve replacement. They were giving her a lot of blood thinners (even with the leaky valve in her heart,) and today, her blood pressure bottomed out and she coded. She was waiting to go down for surgery to excavate fluid from around her heart and lungs. My mom, my other sister, and I had gone up there to see her. Her blood pressure bottomed out last night - but not as bad - and they moved her to the ICU to monitor her.
My other sister stepped out to call her babysitter and let her babysitter know that she'd need her to keep my niece for a while longer while my sister was in surgery. All of a sudden, my sister's blood pressure bottomed out, she started gasping - she was trying to say something to us - and her heart stopped. My mom and I saw it all happen. The nurse advised that we step out, my mom and I got outside of the unit, and they called a code blue.
My mom started screaming and she hit the floor. I picked her up, carried her down the hall to the ICU waiting area, and put her in a chair. A couple of nurses came along and started talking to her and I ran to get my sister.
My brothers, my uncle, my aunt, and four family friends showed up soon afterward. They tried for twenty minutes to get her heart beating again. They did CPR, they put her on a ventilator, a chest tube, and they cracked her chest open... all to no avail. They came out and told us that she was gone and my mom started screaming again and fell out of her chair. My sister started bawling and so did my brothers. I just stood there stone faced and talked to the chaplain.

We got back earlier and I went up to her room. I laid down on her bed, saw a picture of us on her bedside table, and started bawling. I took the picture to my room. I'm trying to keep my composure and I have no clue what tomorrow is going to hold. It isn't going to hit me until I try to call her and see how she's feeling tomorrow.

I sit here and wonder what she was trying to say to me before her heart stopped. I see it all every time I close my eyes and I can't stop. My sister was the person I was closest to. She was not only my sister but my best friend. It's going to get a hell of a lot worse before it ever begins to get better.

I knew this day was going to come, but I hoped that it wouldn't end like this. She didn't deserve to die that way. She deserved to have peace.

A family death is possibly one of the most tragic, and most depressing things that can happen in one's life. Not much can be said to cheer one up when this happens... It is quite sad.

Hearing this just makes me think of how lucky I am to have a healthy family, knowing that my brothers will always be there to look out for me. It makes me one of the more fortunate people to know that my family is healthy, that I really have no need to worry about disease unless I make bad choices and bring it upon myself.

Though not much can be said I will say this. I am terribly sorry for your loss. It must have been devastating to watch her pass.. but her pain has been lifted off of her shoulders now and you must realize that maybe this death was for the best.

I haven't experience seeing someone pass, but I have lost the person closest to me about a month and a half ago. My Grandfather. The person who should've been my real father, and even though he was my Grandfather acted like my real father. He died an almost similar death. He was diagnosed with pneumonia at the start of the month and the doctors knew he only had a few months left. About 2 weeks after he was diagnosed he died of severe pneumonia in the lungs. Both lungs were infected. His diabetes was bad. He had two amputated legs, and the week after he passed he was scheduled to get his right arm amputated. He lived a long life, unlike your sister, but a hard one. Fighting in World War II, he left me many things.

At first I was devastated. Like you I knew the day would come. Like you, I wasn't expected he would die such a horrible death, but you should think about the good times you spent together with her, instead of the bad times near her end. From reading your post it seems you loved her very much.. From what I've heard you cannot replace a sisters love. No matter what. It is sad to see a bond so strong broken.

I know coming from a complete stranger this may not mean much, but I am here and willing. I have already lived your experience, and I am willing to help guide you through it. If you want, take my hand, I will help. I will try my hardest, and I will help get you through this.

Regards,
Adam

[AllThatIsLeft]

Oh baby I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you have to go through this, I'm sorry that no words can possibly bring you any comfort right now.
Just know that I love you, and that i'm here for you if you need to talk. scream, yell, anything.

It pains me to see you this way, and know that I can't possibly say anything to make it better. I don't know what it's like to lose someone so close, and I wish you didn't either.

all I know is that you are not responsible for this, and that you shouldn't feel so. You are only human, and every regret you get will only hurt you more. All those I could of's will only hurt you more.

I love you, Dave. and I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

[nachtspiegel]

I think of the good times we had and then I'm lead to think of all of the things we wanted to do but never could. We had her thirtieth birthday party two weeks to the day - almost to the hour - that she passed. I didn't even get to hug her before her heart stopped because she wasn't allowed to move her right arm because of all of the IVs. I was afraid to move her because simple movements caused her BP to fly. Just moving her arm caused it to go from 60/55 to 120/90. The last time I got to hug her was Thursday evening. I went to the hospital after I got out of class. We watched some TV, talked about some things, and then when it was time for me to go back to campus to get my ride home, I gave her a hug and told her that I loved her.

I didn't go up Friday because she was sleeping most of the day. She would force herself to stay awake when I came because she didn't like sleeping when I was there, and I didn't want her to do that. I got the call that she was moved to the ICU early on Saturday morning and I made plans to go up there as soon as she was awake and be with her. I got there at about 1:30PM and she died around 2:15PM. I had to re-think it a little, and using call records in my phone, I pinpointed it. Her heart stopped at about 2:15, they sent the attending physician and the chaplain to us at about 2:40 to tell us that she had died, and we stayed at the hospital with her body until 4:30.

My other half is gone. She never let me down or left me low. I would have been on the street so many times had she not opened her arms and her home to me. She had a huge heart of gold and she loved everyone, no matter how badly they treated her or what they did to her. She even still talked to her diabetic ex-husband who was fiercely abusive every now and then to check on him and send him her best wishes. She always wanted to help everyone, even when was puking and bleeding after her dialysis treatments.

When I had my surgery in September, she walked to get me sodas and food even though she was on an oxygen tank. She brought me my medicine and every time I moved a muscle, she was at my bedside. Even though she was terribly sick from dialysis the day before, she was there before I went in, as I was operated on, and after I came out. Her heart was gold and her love was priceless.

I hope she knew how much I love her before she left. I held her hand as she died and she never felt so cold. I'm angry and decimated at how her life ended. If it had to end so soon, she deserved do die peacefully and surrounded by people she loved. Not by drowning internally in her own blood. She needed help that they couldn't provide her and even though a miracle may not have even worked, I failed her and I'll be sorry for that for the rest of my life. I failed her when she needed help the most.

One of our favorite songs was "18 and Life" by Skid Row. I keep listening to it and I keep looking at a picture of her at one of our favorite places. I left something on her Facebook wall (it took a wall post plus nine comments) and it almost completely summed it up.

I honestly don't know where to begin. I'm looking at your wall and seeing things you posted just days ago. I know that things can happen in the blink of an eye... and they all say that everything happens for a reason, but I'm racking my brain for anything that could explain this and there is nothing that could begin to... explain your sudden passing with any real reason. I stared at that picture of us at Mom's table in November for at least an hour, and I wanted to get up off of that bed and punch my way through every wall in the apartment. I know that's not what you would've wanted me to do, so I just laid there and bawled like a baby instead.
I hope you're at peace. And I hope that you're not suffering anymore. Everything inside of me wants you back, but if letting go of this life and all of the hell it entails was the only way for you to stop going through hell every day of your life, it was the best thing. By no means am I saying that I wanted you to leave... I'd do anything to bring you back, but if taking eternal rest was the only way that you could really rest, I couldn't ask for anything more than for you to stop suffering.
I guess I'm writing this in the hope that maybe you can see it. It isn't going to do any good for anyone that reads it, and I'm about two seconds from losing the little bit of composure that I've managed to hold on to for the past few hours. I can't show it to anybody else but over you, I don't care. Seeing the way you went, and being right there while being able to do nothing to stop it makes me feel like I failed you as a brother, no matter what else I did every day before that. I did whatever I could to help you any other time I couldn't do anything to help you when you needed it the most... and I'm going to live with that for the rest of my life.
When I saw you yesterday, I knew that your time with us was about finished. I could tell by the look on your face. Had I accepted the gut feeling that I had the day you went back into the hospital, I would've said 'to hell with school' and spent every waking moment - and non-waking moment - in that hospital. I knew that doing that would've made my gut feeling clear, and I didn't want you to think that I had given up on you, because I swear I never did. I promise I never did. But I know the difference between strength and destiny. For whatever reason - though it may never be clear to me as long as I live - it was your time to go and I have to accept that.
The people that we cherish aren't really ours. They're borrowed, just long enough to see the spark that they light up the world with... and it seems like we always have to give them back too soon. Nobody was ready to see you go, and you didn't deserve to go the way that you did. Seeing it all unfold makes me question the faith I had in humanity and it makes me wonder what we spend our lives struggling for in the first place. You had a heart a gold and you'd do anything within your power to help anyone who needed it, and you got shorted. It drives me crazy to know how much you did for others and how little you got in return.
I don't think it's really hit me yet. It won't hit me until I get up and try to call you and see how you're feeling... or until I get up and start looking at bus schedules to figure out what time I'm going to come see you. I've told myself at least a hundred times that this is a terrible dream and that we're all going to wake up tomorrow and realize that your departure is just a terrible figment of our imaginations. I don't want to believe that this is real. I don't blame you for a single second. You did everything you could and you fought 110% until you just couldn't anymore.
I hope that you're somewhere across that giant blue sky. I hope that you're free of the pain that you lived with. You never deserved the cards you were dealt and I'm going to keep on keeping on doing everything that I think that you would have wanted me to. A few moments have passed by where I've wanted to come across that sky and be right next to you, but I know that as much as you'd love to see me again, you wouldn't want it to be that way.
Before you left, I hope you knew how much I really do love you. And I hope you know now. I can't stop replaying all of the times that I could've done things and didn't. I wouldn't trade a second of all of the great times we had together... or even the not-so-great times that we endured together, side by side.. As long as I live, I'll never forget anything about the amazing person you were or the way you touched so many people by simply being who you were. I'm going to miss your laugh and the way that you always found a spark of light and humor in everything. I'm going to miss the advice you always gave me, even when I didn't want to hear it.
Even if I live to be ninety, I'm never going to forget you. Living that long without you around just doesn't seem doable, but I guess that I have no choice but to keep on keeping on. As much as I'd like to think that I could be soon behind you, I don't think it's meant to be that way. There's already so much that I wish I could tell you, and I hope you hear me.
As for you, I hope you're in a place a hundred thousand times better than where you were yesterday. You never deserved to suffer that way. As for me and the rest of us... a lot of hearts are broken today with no easy fix. I love you my sister, and as much as I don't want to believe this is real, I know that it is. No amount of tears, "coulda, shoulda, woulda"s, or wishing that things could've gone differently is going to change what's already transpired.
Rest in peace. I miss you immensely and I always will. ♥ ♥ ♥

There are those bandwagon people that are talking about how much they love her and are going to miss her. People that couldn't make an appearance during any of the many times she was hospitalized. People that never called her, texted her, or came over to see how she was. People that could sparsely be counted on to write her on the internet. They're making me angry and it adds insult to injury. Those people will have forgotten about her next week and those of us who truly loved her will still be here with shattered hearts trying to make sense out of all of this.

My brother and I really spoke - truly had a conversation - for the first time in about six years tonight. It always broke my sister's heart that he never talked to me and I think she'd be over the moon to see us talk. It's terrible that it took her passing for him to talk to me and I just can't make sense of any of this.

I want her back and I know that's selfish. She was in so much pain every day and although I would not wish her to go through that again, I want her back here and I can't help it. I'm selfish. I failed her as a brother and I'm a selfish person, but I can't help it. I'm trying to draw peace because she isn't suffering but I'm too busy trying to find some glimmer of light in this hell.

My cousin - who I was introduced to almost a year ago thanks to my sister - lost her brother the year that I was born. They were very close and his death was also sudden and tragic. I may now have a glimpse of the hell she went through and she's the only one who isn't telling me to stay strong, chin up, that it's gonna be peachy. She's realistic and she keeps it real and I appreciate her insight so much.

I hate the world so much right now.

[The Batman]

David I really wish more than anything I could be with you right now. You're far from selfish , you are always there helping someone and I don't blame you for wanting her back when my uncle died I wanted to be with him again more than anything it was like 6 years ago and I still miss him and want to be with him. All you can do is just to keep holding onto her and try to not hold anything in. If you want to cry then go on and cry, if you want to scream then scream just grieve your way and you'll feel a hell of a lot better sooner. Get on msn and talk to me anytime you need me David i'm here for you all the time and I can't say sorry enough.

[nachtspiegel]

This is going to sound crazy, but I thought of a way that someone can help me.

I want to get a tattoo for my sister, but I need someone that has knowledge of Latin.

Her middle name was Starr, and I've always identified her with stars. Two of her favorite colors were blue and black and I want to get a nautical star with those alternating colors and a 'W' ingrained into it on either my forearm, in between my shoulder blades, or possibly on the back of my neck. Around the star, I want "may you spread your wings and fly" in Latin... or as close to that as possible.

I have somebody that's willing and able to do it. I just need to get the design together.

[BeautifulDisaster]

I think it's
May vos emanio vestri pennae quod no

[Scarface]

i'm very sorry to hear of your loss she is at peace just know that she doesn't have to suffer any longer and hopefully you two will once again be reunited i had a similar story but it was with my best friend, but that's a different story for another day. if you ever need to talk to someone know that i'm going to be here for you pm me

[nachtspiegel]

Her arrangements (except for the cost of opening and closing my grandmother's grave to bury her ashes with her) are paid in full. We raised $3,500 in two days. There are so many people that have come by and taken the last bit of their money out of their pockets and put it on my mom's kitchen table.

There's more to say but I have to get away...

[nachtspiegel]

A friend just made me think of something...

She wouldn't go to a hospital that had a better reputation for patient care because it took me longer to get there on the bus and she was afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it to see her every day. Thing is, I went farther to go to my old job.
Even more than before, I realize that it's my fault that she's dead...

[galen]

My condolences. I'll remember Starr in my prayers

[The Batman]

A friend just made me think of something...

She wouldn't go to a hospital that had a better reputation for patient care because it took me longer to get there on the bus and she was afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it to see her every day. Thing is, I went farther to go to my old job.
Even more than before, I realize that it's my fault that she's dead...

No it's not your fault it's the doctor's fault for filling her with blood thinner if I were you guys I would go talk to a lawyer and see if you can bring about a lawsuit because they should be more careful and if they have a history of doing patiences like that then they should really be sued. I would not let this die until they fixed somethign so it wouldn't happen again.

[nachtspiegel]

No it's not your fault it's the doctor's fault for filling her with blood thinner if I were you guys I would go talk to a lawyer and see if you can bring about a lawsuit because they should be more careful and if they have a history of doing patiences like that then they should really be sued. I would not let this die until they fixed somethign so it wouldn't happen again.

Had she not felt the need to stay in the city because of me, she wouldn't have been under the doctor that wrote the order for so much blood thinner.

And we're working on that.

[georgiamay]

it is definately not your fault, don't think like that.

i know nothing i can say can make you feel any better, but i just wanted to say that i am very sorry for your loss x

[BeautifulDisaster]

It's a bit hard not to think like that if you feel it so strongly, but hopefully as time goes on, those feelings and thoughts will subside.

[TakeMyHand]

Don't you dare blame yourself because of a stupid reason like that. There are so many variables that determine our fates, it is impossible for you to account for them all. For all you know, if she had gone to a different doctor, oh hell, you never know, you might have all died just driving over there. Would you consider it her fault for making you drive so far? Of course not, no one can predict everything. You had no way of knowing what that doctor would do.

[songboy]

I am sorry about your losse

[nachtspiegel]

Today is her funeral. I volunteered to be everyone's alarm clock, and I'm making the CDs for her visitation and funeral service.
I'm trying so hard to keep a straight face but I've never felt so alone in my life. I just want to scream and I can't do that. Everybody is leaning on me right now and I'm trying to do the same thing my sister always did... be that rock for everyone. I just want to numb myself up and bleed it all out.

[The Batman]

Today is her funeral. I volunteered to be everyone's alarm clock, and I'm making the CDs for her visitation and funeral service.
I'm trying so hard to keep a straight face but I've never felt so alone in my life. I just want to scream and I can't do that. Everybody is leaning on me right now and I'm trying to do the same thing my sister always did... be that rock for everyone. I just want to numb myself up and bleed it all out.

If you can get some time alone go on and try to get out as many tears as you need before the funeral. And if you need me I'm here dude I'll try to get my phone working by tomorrow and you can txt me if you need.

[Ryhanna]

Oh, Im so sorry for your loss, it's simply awful. But It'll get better, trust me. Know that she isn't suffering anymore, she's in a better place. She's happy now.

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. Life has it's ups and downs, right now your in a down. But don't dispair, you'll reach an up again before you know it. I lost someone recently, it wasn't as close a relatinship as yours but I feel downright terrible, and theres a sad, sinking feeling in my stomach every moment of the day. But theres a light at the end of the tunnel, there always is. I feel your pain, your in my thoughts and prayers.

I really wish VT weren't over the internet so I could hug you. But think of all the happy memories you have of her, hold on to them like they're part of your body.

Once again, Im so, very sorry.

[nachtspiegel]

The permanence didn't hit me until after the service when it was time to close the casket. I gave her one last kiss on her forehead and I kept it all in until I got home and could make my way to the basement.

My heart is in a million pieces. I want to scream until I have no more air and I want to run until my body gives out. No one knows that "it's going to be okay" and I'm tired of hearing it. I'm so tired of people trying to comfort me with "she's in a better place." It really gives me peace to know that she isn't suffering anymore, but as selfish as it is, it does nothing to calm the part of me that still wants her HERE. She was too young to die and I'm tired of people comparing it to people who lived a long life and got to do the things they wanted to do... or at least had a chance to. She made it two weeks to the day of her thirtieth birthday and it isn't fair. We're supposed to bury our grandparents, but parents are not supposed to bury their children, young children are not supposed to have to bury their parents, and siblings should not be separated when they're still so young. Elderly people are supposed to die. People who are barely out of their twenties and still want to live are not.

Nobody understands just how close we were and I'm starting to hate everything. I'm tired of people talking about it and I'm tired of people exaggerating the relationship that they had with her. My heart breaks when I think about the big heart she had and how everyone stepped on it and abused her love. I'm tired of her so-called friends coming out of the woodworks and talking about how much they loved her when she needed a show of friends and they NEVER came through for her.

My niece is too young to lose her mother. She's eleven. During the service, she balled her face into my chest and cried for a moment, but then said "I have to stop before anyone sees me." Her dad and her step-mom rushed her at the end and I know they're not going to let me see her anymore, and that breaks my heart, too.

I feel so guilty. I haven't wanted to live my life for a long time, but I do it for other people. My sister was so full of optimism, love, and spirit. She wanted to get better, she wanted to do so many things with her life, and she wanted to live, despite how down she may have seemed some days (and who could really blame her?) She didn't deserve to suffer the way that she did, and she didn't deserve to die so young or in the manner that she did.

As much as I can barely stand to deal with anyone, I'm trying to be solid for everyone else that is grieving. I don't want to go back into the world right now. I'm angry, I'm growing cold, and I want someone to pay for what happened to my sister.

[BeautifulDisaster]

I know it's so unfair to have to bury someone so young, nothing I say will make it any better, but just give it time, your sister would want you to keep on fighting to live for her, and to do all the things she wants you to do and have in life.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[Watchfulness]

That's sad, at least she died young.
Not old and lonely...

[BeautifulDisaster]

^^
She should have died old, not young, even if you are old and lonely, at least you lived for a long time and had a lot of life experiences that you wanted to accomplish.
Don't try and down play this, it's awful.

[NamelessRomantic]

Stories like these make me think about life...us humans call ourselves great,yet our string of life can so easily be cut and we go to nevermore...
R.I.P. to your sister.I won`t act like I know what you`re going through,and I hope I never find out what it`s like.Now it`s time to just hold on...Be strong.Hard to believe,life goes on,even though from now on there will be an eternal empty space in your soul.

[Jess]

I'm really sorry

[nachtspiegel]

I was walking down the street after I got out of class earlier tonight... I wanted to call someone, and I started dialing her number when it suddenly smacked me in the face.
I'm trying so hard to stay sane and I'm surprised I've managed to keep it this long.