DrkZ90
February 27th, 2010, 12:23 AM
I thought I was doing relatively well... I wanted to... but I'm starting to think I didn't, and it's getting me not only worried, but scared too...
I've been sleeping way too little at night... 4 hours at most I'd say... I mainly just do stuff on the laptop to keep my head busy, but once I try to go to sleep I simply break out crying... again, as always, just worse... haven't been able to simply sleep a single day in at least a month and is started to get to me... feeling tired and lifeless (Even more than normal) the whole day... dizziness and headaches are increasingly horrible and common (I've been about to faint a couple of times, horrible feeling)...
I've been doing increasingly bad academically... grades dropped horrendously, I started skipping classes a lot (I simply can't bring myself together sometimes, let alone going outside, when I feel about breaking down...) and well, that's pretty fucked up... in 5 years I went from being one of the, or the best student to simply being average, barely making it most of the time, and just above average the rest...
Worst is, I'm not completely sure what's going on with me... only thing I know is I've been looking into the past a lot recently, and I always end up in a hurting memory... re-analizing stuff from my past and gettting to sad, although true, conclusions (at least some stuff makes sense now, and hurts a lot more than before)
Lately, loneliness feels so bad.... so empty, so cold... I thought I had finally got used to it afterall, that I could control myself when alone... truth is I barely can most of the time, I still can't bring myself to do the stuff I know I love doing...
I'm very worried, that is starting to be noticeable... I don't want anyone's pity, I don't want anyone start treating me a little better just because they feel sorry for me, I don't want anyone asking questions jusst because they see me miserable, I don't need anymore fake and un-trustworthy friends, I think I have more than enough of those for a lifetime...
Then are the suicide thoughts, again... it feels such a great idea... end all this shit... so many people would be so happy and glad, so many wouldn't care, makes me wonder, why not? only one losing would be me, not having a future, but that's not much different from now anyway, I wouldn't be missing much...
And that's what worries me... when I'm relatively normal, it scares me... so much time alone, I might end up doing it, and maybe regretting it... I've turned to self-harm (well, in fact, I've always done it, just being doing it increasingly often as of last)... I don't cut, it leaves scars and bloodstains are easily detected... I hit myself, with whatever is at hand... in my head, in my arms or legs, places where people can't see the bruises... punching myself in the stomach and face, hitting a wall or a table, grabbing and squeezing my neck, all that... that physical pain takes away and shakes away the pain inside...
And then are those feelings, and the fact that I'm more than likely gay... I don't want to... I can't be... now I know for a fact I'd be kicked out of the house if my parents ever found out (long story), and how much my "friends" would hate me just because of that (even if I never told the guy I love my feelings)... those damn feelings aren't right, I can't feel love for a guy who's 4 years younger, what the fuck is wrong with me?...I finally realized isn'ta hormonal thing... I don't care about having sex with him, I want him, to love him and protect him... but I don't wanna feel like that.
This is it, I can't keep going with typing anymore... as always, is past midnight, I'm crying and shaking in the darkness of my room... I'll try to finish this if I can, or remove it out of shame... venting doesn't seem to help as much as it once did...
I've been sleeping way too little at night... 4 hours at most I'd say... I mainly just do stuff on the laptop to keep my head busy, but once I try to go to sleep I simply break out crying... again, as always, just worse... haven't been able to simply sleep a single day in at least a month and is started to get to me... feeling tired and lifeless (Even more than normal) the whole day... dizziness and headaches are increasingly horrible and common (I've been about to faint a couple of times, horrible feeling)...
I've been doing increasingly bad academically... grades dropped horrendously, I started skipping classes a lot (I simply can't bring myself together sometimes, let alone going outside, when I feel about breaking down...) and well, that's pretty fucked up... in 5 years I went from being one of the, or the best student to simply being average, barely making it most of the time, and just above average the rest...
Worst is, I'm not completely sure what's going on with me... only thing I know is I've been looking into the past a lot recently, and I always end up in a hurting memory... re-analizing stuff from my past and gettting to sad, although true, conclusions (at least some stuff makes sense now, and hurts a lot more than before)
Lately, loneliness feels so bad.... so empty, so cold... I thought I had finally got used to it afterall, that I could control myself when alone... truth is I barely can most of the time, I still can't bring myself to do the stuff I know I love doing...
I'm very worried, that is starting to be noticeable... I don't want anyone's pity, I don't want anyone start treating me a little better just because they feel sorry for me, I don't want anyone asking questions jusst because they see me miserable, I don't need anymore fake and un-trustworthy friends, I think I have more than enough of those for a lifetime...
Then are the suicide thoughts, again... it feels such a great idea... end all this shit... so many people would be so happy and glad, so many wouldn't care, makes me wonder, why not? only one losing would be me, not having a future, but that's not much different from now anyway, I wouldn't be missing much...
And that's what worries me... when I'm relatively normal, it scares me... so much time alone, I might end up doing it, and maybe regretting it... I've turned to self-harm (well, in fact, I've always done it, just being doing it increasingly often as of last)... I don't cut, it leaves scars and bloodstains are easily detected... I hit myself, with whatever is at hand... in my head, in my arms or legs, places where people can't see the bruises... punching myself in the stomach and face, hitting a wall or a table, grabbing and squeezing my neck, all that... that physical pain takes away and shakes away the pain inside...
And then are those feelings, and the fact that I'm more than likely gay... I don't want to... I can't be... now I know for a fact I'd be kicked out of the house if my parents ever found out (long story), and how much my "friends" would hate me just because of that (even if I never told the guy I love my feelings)... those damn feelings aren't right, I can't feel love for a guy who's 4 years younger, what the fuck is wrong with me?...I finally realized isn'ta hormonal thing... I don't care about having sex with him, I want him, to love him and protect him... but I don't wanna feel like that.
This is it, I can't keep going with typing anymore... as always, is past midnight, I'm crying and shaking in the darkness of my room... I'll try to finish this if I can, or remove it out of shame... venting doesn't seem to help as much as it once did...