Gumleaf
February 24th, 2010, 12:36 AM
this time a week ago things were progressing so well. although i would be down some times and get into severe negative moods i was actually learning how to get on top of them. then all of a sudden it happened. i saw my girlfriend and another guy kissing and all of a sudden things spiralled out of control. after the initial shock of it had passed a few days later and it started sinking in, it was then things started taking bad turns.
from wednesday night until the end of last week i didn't cope well at all. i barely slept and cried and was hurting so much i nearly made myself sick. just talking about it now makes me want to cry. by the weekend we had started talking again, but nothing feels the same anymore. i can't just stop loving her and despite her claims that she loves me, i can't believe it anymore. it's one of my big downfalls as a person, because of my low self esteem, when someone says they love me it takes me a long time to believe it and if someone makes me doubt it, i struggle to believe it again.
since about sunday the hurt and pain has been too much to bare, but at the same time i miss her terribly. not so much the girlfriend part, but i miss my best friend and everytime i look at her i see the kiss in my head and it hurts so much. this has affected me so much that i have made myself sick and ended up having to stay home yesterday because of it, i'm only taking my depression meds because mum makes me take them in front of her so she knows i'm taking them, i've started feeling so so down again, the worst i have for ages. i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, i feel so alone and i can't find much hope at all.
there is an up side. i know i have friends, i know i have people in my life who care. one in particular has been so amazing and i love her so much and i know if it wasn't for her things would be so much worse. i know my 'girlfriend' wants to get back together with me and i know she is hurting a lot too. but i'm so hurt and upset i can't cope with this right now. it feels like i don't care anymore, that the main reason i had for living and getting better doesn't exist anymore. there is another girl in my life, one i like a lot and maybe trying to keep going for her might be a goal, but right now this hurt and pain is too much and not going anywhere and it's tearing me to shreads.
from wednesday night until the end of last week i didn't cope well at all. i barely slept and cried and was hurting so much i nearly made myself sick. just talking about it now makes me want to cry. by the weekend we had started talking again, but nothing feels the same anymore. i can't just stop loving her and despite her claims that she loves me, i can't believe it anymore. it's one of my big downfalls as a person, because of my low self esteem, when someone says they love me it takes me a long time to believe it and if someone makes me doubt it, i struggle to believe it again.
since about sunday the hurt and pain has been too much to bare, but at the same time i miss her terribly. not so much the girlfriend part, but i miss my best friend and everytime i look at her i see the kiss in my head and it hurts so much. this has affected me so much that i have made myself sick and ended up having to stay home yesterday because of it, i'm only taking my depression meds because mum makes me take them in front of her so she knows i'm taking them, i've started feeling so so down again, the worst i have for ages. i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, i feel so alone and i can't find much hope at all.
there is an up side. i know i have friends, i know i have people in my life who care. one in particular has been so amazing and i love her so much and i know if it wasn't for her things would be so much worse. i know my 'girlfriend' wants to get back together with me and i know she is hurting a lot too. but i'm so hurt and upset i can't cope with this right now. it feels like i don't care anymore, that the main reason i had for living and getting better doesn't exist anymore. there is another girl in my life, one i like a lot and maybe trying to keep going for her might be a goal, but right now this hurt and pain is too much and not going anywhere and it's tearing me to shreads.