BeautifulDisaster
February 21st, 2010, 06:57 PM
Sometimes I honestly feel like everything I touch, gets destroyed.
2 nights ago, my hamster, Angel, passed away in my hands.
She looked like she was in a lot of pain.
Now, to some of you, it's just a hamster, just some animal, nothing big...
Wrong, it is big.
I feel closer to animals than I do humans, I bond extremely well with them, I feel like I can't actually live without hamsters right now, since I got my first one, Baby, who has also passed away, I've found myself unable to not be with them.
I got Baby Junior shortly after Baby passed away, and she passed away last year in August.
Nearly a month later, along came Angel.
They've all been Syrian females, and typically a hamsters life span is 2-3 years.
Baby lasted about 8 months.
Baby Junior lasted about 1 year and 6 months.
Angel lasted about 7 months.
My sister's hamster outlived both Baby and Baby Junior, and she passed away a few weeks ago, so she nearly outlived Angel as well.
I don't understand any of this.
Angel was just a baby, so was Baby.
We were just starting to bond.
It had taken about 4 months just to get her to trust me, and to get her to come onto my hand, we were getting close, and now she's gone.
I put her to rest yesterday.
I hate her being in that box, cold, lonely...
And with my OCD, I had to keep redoing it, I wanted it to be perfect, comfortable, but it wasn't, so I had to keep redoing it until it was, and even then, it freaking wasn't enough, so I had to force myself to stop.
I hated putting the lid on.
I hated seeing her in the box.
I hated seeing her not moving, not breathing, nothing.
She's gone & there's nothing I can do about it.
& yet, I want to go with her.
I want to die.
I don't want to be in this place anymore.
Sometimes, I truly feel like this is Hell.
Where did it go wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
She was just 7 months old.
A baby.
A little baby.
My little Angel.
Mine.
So tiny, so beautiful.
She was very jumpy, scared.
Wasn't trusting, but that's okay; we got there in the end.
She let me hold her, stroke her, kiss her...
We got there... we got there.
I don't understand why she's dead.
I thought maybe she was hibernating.
She was starting to move, whiskers were twitching, eyes opening, body moving a bit,
she felt a bit cold,
tried to keep her warm...
breathed into the towel, breathed over her,
tried to keep her warm.
Thought she would make it.
Then she got worse...
squeaking...
almost like her body was cramping at one point...
like she was in so much pain...
her head started moving as if she was gasping for air...
or trying to scream...
then her whole body looked like it was cramping up...
paralyzed...?
I heard a little squeak...
then she stopped moving...
then she was all stiff...
I know it means she's passed away,
because that's what happened with Baby, and Baby Junior...
I was hoping and hoping she'd make it...
whispering "come on, come on, you can do it, come on Angel"
but... I think she held on for as long as she could...
She was in so much pain, I think she was anyway...
I'm so sorry.
I love you Angel.
I love you so much.
Rest now.
You'll be able to rest, out of pain, suffering, misery...
You can rest with Nan, Ian, Baby, Baby Junior, Hammy, everyone else in Heaven.
I want to go with you,
I want to be with you, and everyone else...
I don't understand any of this.
Was it my fault?
I don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I want another one,
I love them so much,
but I think everything I touch,
gets destroyed...
it looks that way...
Maybe it's best I don't,
I might kill that one too.
Rest In Peace, my little Angel.
I love you.
:blue:
This is a picture of her from about 10 days ago.
http://i46.tinypic.com/x4j9zd.jpg
*sighs*
I really don't feel okay, at all.
I feel broken inside.
I feel like a lost cause as it is, and now I just want to freaking die.
I hate this.
I don't even know why I'm posting.
But, this is "Depression, Loss, and Grief"
I feel all three.
Thanks for reading if you made it through...
2 nights ago, my hamster, Angel, passed away in my hands.
She looked like she was in a lot of pain.
Now, to some of you, it's just a hamster, just some animal, nothing big...
Wrong, it is big.
I feel closer to animals than I do humans, I bond extremely well with them, I feel like I can't actually live without hamsters right now, since I got my first one, Baby, who has also passed away, I've found myself unable to not be with them.
I got Baby Junior shortly after Baby passed away, and she passed away last year in August.
Nearly a month later, along came Angel.
They've all been Syrian females, and typically a hamsters life span is 2-3 years.
Baby lasted about 8 months.
Baby Junior lasted about 1 year and 6 months.
Angel lasted about 7 months.
My sister's hamster outlived both Baby and Baby Junior, and she passed away a few weeks ago, so she nearly outlived Angel as well.
I don't understand any of this.
Angel was just a baby, so was Baby.
We were just starting to bond.
It had taken about 4 months just to get her to trust me, and to get her to come onto my hand, we were getting close, and now she's gone.
I put her to rest yesterday.
I hate her being in that box, cold, lonely...
And with my OCD, I had to keep redoing it, I wanted it to be perfect, comfortable, but it wasn't, so I had to keep redoing it until it was, and even then, it freaking wasn't enough, so I had to force myself to stop.
I hated putting the lid on.
I hated seeing her in the box.
I hated seeing her not moving, not breathing, nothing.
She's gone & there's nothing I can do about it.
& yet, I want to go with her.
I want to die.
I don't want to be in this place anymore.
Sometimes, I truly feel like this is Hell.
Where did it go wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
She was just 7 months old.
A baby.
A little baby.
My little Angel.
Mine.
So tiny, so beautiful.
She was very jumpy, scared.
Wasn't trusting, but that's okay; we got there in the end.
She let me hold her, stroke her, kiss her...
We got there... we got there.
I don't understand why she's dead.
I thought maybe she was hibernating.
She was starting to move, whiskers were twitching, eyes opening, body moving a bit,
she felt a bit cold,
tried to keep her warm...
breathed into the towel, breathed over her,
tried to keep her warm.
Thought she would make it.
Then she got worse...
squeaking...
almost like her body was cramping at one point...
like she was in so much pain...
her head started moving as if she was gasping for air...
or trying to scream...
then her whole body looked like it was cramping up...
paralyzed...?
I heard a little squeak...
then she stopped moving...
then she was all stiff...
I know it means she's passed away,
because that's what happened with Baby, and Baby Junior...
I was hoping and hoping she'd make it...
whispering "come on, come on, you can do it, come on Angel"
but... I think she held on for as long as she could...
She was in so much pain, I think she was anyway...
I'm so sorry.
I love you Angel.
I love you so much.
Rest now.
You'll be able to rest, out of pain, suffering, misery...
You can rest with Nan, Ian, Baby, Baby Junior, Hammy, everyone else in Heaven.
I want to go with you,
I want to be with you, and everyone else...
I don't understand any of this.
Was it my fault?
I don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I want another one,
I love them so much,
but I think everything I touch,
gets destroyed...
it looks that way...
Maybe it's best I don't,
I might kill that one too.
Rest In Peace, my little Angel.
I love you.
:blue:
This is a picture of her from about 10 days ago.
http://i46.tinypic.com/x4j9zd.jpg
*sighs*
I really don't feel okay, at all.
I feel broken inside.
I feel like a lost cause as it is, and now I just want to freaking die.
I hate this.
I don't even know why I'm posting.
But, this is "Depression, Loss, and Grief"
I feel all three.
Thanks for reading if you made it through...