Depressed and Got name stuck in my head :S

[confuzed]

Ok... Just coming here for a little help....

I am 19 and male, and I have the name of a person I went to highschool stuck in my head solid for 3 months... I had a very strong crush on him to say the least... Massive wud be the right word.. Im sort of so ashamed but..

It might help to say I am confused about my sexuality, also in a relationship with an amazing girl and it hurting me alot that I have this problem when I should be enjoying myself..

It just goes round and round never leaving... When I wake up... Everything seems fine for a few moments... then I remember and the name hits me like a wave and im like shit... its here for the whole day again...

I spend all day with it in my head... I am depressed too.. lacking motivation and interest.. and nothing I do can ever seem to take the name away... Only for a few moments in each day is my head clear...

I think it is because I am reacting so negatively to the name.. that it is sticking..

Has anyone else had an issue like this before? It is draining my life big time and I had to leave my job because It was a) a bad place to work, but mainly giving me WAYY too much time to dwell on the thought and emotionally each shift was draining me big time...

This is really bad.. Im seeing a Pych which isnt helping much.. Im making more sence of it... but I worry soo much..

I get worried that the name will get attatched to love ones in my life and things I find of interest... I worry about never being able to stop thinking it...

It started after a heavy dose of Marijuana that fucked me up while I was already depresed...

So yeah... Its not good...

I dont take drugs but yeah... unfortunately I had a month where I took exctasy and smoked weed 3 times or so, the 3rd time freaking me out big time.. I'm sort of emotionally scarred from the expereince...

The name just never ends... and I'm so upset by it 24/7... It is having big impact on me as its affecting my short term memory and I'm worrying myself to pieces...

Lol help...

Its soo endless and depressing... Ive got nothing to focus on either.. Going to start uni next week so that should hopefully give me some motivation and studying will busy up my mind which has been so unoccupied for the last 3-4 months now...

I could describe myself as over sensitive and emotional which is why I am feeding these intrusive thoughts with so much emotion... they have become like glue... It's really painfull... :0

[xBrokenAngelx]

I thought i would reply to this because i have been in the same situation before.

I am also 19, but female.

It sounds to me like you are deffinately confused or unsure about your sexuality in some sort of way. Maybe this is a sign thats eventually going to allow you to determain what sexuality you are.
Don't feel like this is abnormal or strange, because its not. trust me.

Do you still see this person?
Does he live close? Are you friends with him? Is he gay?
All those things may affect how and why your thinking about him so much of the time.

I'm a Lesbian.
I came out when i was 16.
I constantly had my best friends name and face glued to my brain, for months and months this went on.. I kept telling myself i was straight and that tried my best to block her out of my head. Tried to keep myself busy, got a job, and i even stopped seeing her for a couple of months in hope that these thoughts and her name would vanish from my mindd.
But i'm a strong beleiver in fate, and what is meant to be will be.
Fait brought me and Josie (my best friend) back together.
We went away for her 18th at the time to Spain for a week, and thats when something happened and i just knew i was a Lesbian.
Shortly after that i came out to my friends and family!!

If you ever need to talk, i am here.
Hotmail me if you like
[email protected]

xxx

[Aspiringanonymous]

I, too, have been battling intrusive thoughts for the past year or so - though somewhat of a different nature, as I was more or less immediately able to take the approach that 'this voice is not my own; I would never in my right mind sustain such ideas'. I was definitely not in a clear mind when I committed the mental errors that would lead to their establishment as a powerful influence, but I eventually became determined to fight against it - the root of the problem, rather than the problem in its current manifestation, for that was too absurd and powerful to directly challenge.

That one approach, out of everything I've tried over the course of the experience, seems to have been the most effective. While not everything exists with a purpose in itself, all things are the result of something - and resulting chaos almost always indicates previously existing chaos. These are the experiences that, although extremely unpleasant, have the potential to convey important insights into our own existence. That is what you should look for, and that is, I believe, what will contain the key to freedom and clarity.

Meanwhile, if anything, you will realize that it is not possible to be completely and utterly free from that problematic thought - though in much lesser frequency, it always can randomly occur at the worst times and places - what you can achieve, however, is a mental state of being immune to the power of its influence.

Once, I remember frantically calling a friend in fear of losing complete control, and he said, "It's just like when you're training a dog. If he makes a mistake, you don't get all angry at him and say no. You simply direct him, patiently, to what he is supposed to do - again, and again, and again, until he gets it." --

The other effective strategy I discovered, was to not antagonize the thoughts. Recognize that they are here, where they shouldn't be - but don't nurture hatred for it - that, too, causes the mind to unknowingly focus on it more than it would otherwise. Visualize a persistent clear consciousness, rather than one that is free from the influence - it is the same thing, yes, but two very different approaches.

All the best to you.

[CuriousDestruction]

i'm sorry you're going through this right now. this kind of... obsession is actually quite common among teens. you do sound confused in your sexuality and you should know that it's okay to be confused. many of us won't fully understand our sexualities until we are older. i think you just need to get out. go for a walk or a run. take up a sport. read some books. don't stay inside. try to distract yourself and forget. dwelling on your obsession like that is not healthy. i'm sorry about all this, feel free to PM me.

[confuzed]

Thanks to all of you for your replies,

~ Broken Angel, I havent spoken to him in about 5 years and he lives in another country now lol, but I did contact him via internet and we talked and get along fine, we sort of fell out from being close friends awhile ago, my sexual desire for him is the contributing factor to why I pushed him away.. It seems to have had a negative reaction on me big time though. You might be right that it is a sign but at the moment I am too confuzed and not ready to adress it...
At this stage I am resigning to i am Bi-curious, I know I like the thought of being with guys but it sort of grosses me out and I do not find guys physically attractive as I do females...

~ Krezlyn, Thanks for your advice I have been researching alot on the net about how to get rid of 'intrusive' 'unwanted' thoughts etc.. but this is not as easy because what the name stuck in my head represents is deeply connected to how I feel at the moment and how unhappy I am about my sexual confusion... It is even more depressing as I am in a relationship with someone unlike anyone I have ever met before, and it feels like the exprience is being tainted by this obsessive though which makes me even more upset.. But I am starting to see beyond the self pity... Its a very difficult journey but I am determined to sort it out... It will take time though... It helps alot to talk about it.

~ Curious Destruction, All I try and do is distract myself but I can't for very long at a time.. Mind games like 'minesweeper' help abit however I am lacking motivation to do much.. While reading the name just goes round and a round in the background, its like having 2 consiousnesses.. its like in the background of my consiousness... It feels like a consuming bottomless pit but your right, the only way to help myself is to get active.. I went for a job interview today which boosted my mood...

It gets so frustrating but the best thing I think is to not get caught up in the frustration of it...

~ Broken Angel, I havent spoken to him in about 5 years and he lives in another country now lol, but I did contact him via internet and we talked and get along fine,

To be more specific we have spoken only twice, and I find it a bit wierd talking to him but at least conversation is friendly... It seems like there might still be something between us, who knows... Its very confusing...

Posts merged. Please use the 'edit' function if you wish to add more to a post.

~ .Tuxedo Mask.

[xBrokenAngelx]

Aww!! Maybe you should carry on talking to him, Via email or something? Just be friendly.. as you are, let the conversation decide as to what you talk about & what happens next. Things like this can't be planned, they'll just happen.
I think as time goes by you will feel more comfortable about your sexuality, i'm pretty certain of it.

Always here if you want to talk!! xx

[confuzed]

Hey Broken Angel I tried to pm u but i need over 25 posts lol... I'll add u on msn soon, just need to fix it its not working atm.. Will be afk for a day or 2 tho :)
Oh and thanks for ur words i appreciate them

[Aspiringanonymous]

~ Krezlyn, Thanks for your advice I have been researching alot on the net about how to get rid of 'intrusive' 'unwanted' thoughts etc.. but this is not as easy because what the name stuck in my head represents is deeply connected to how I feel at the moment and how unhappy I am about my sexual confusion... It is even more depressing as I am in a relationship with someone unlike anyone I have ever met before, and it feels like the exprience is being tainted by this obsessive though which makes me even more upset.. But I am starting to see beyond the self pity... Its a very difficult journey but I am determined to sort it out... It will take time though... It helps alot to talk about it.
What I always say to such complexities of confusion, is to work from the bottom up. Address the underlying issue, rather than devoting all one's energy into combating its resultant complications. Why exactly is the issue there, at all? Why does there exist a mental struggle towards certain concepts, rather than acceptance?

Take advantage of moments of clarity, no matter how fleeting or rare - these are precious times when the rational mind has enough space to breathe, and play a dominant role within the consciousness.

And to begin, just listen to what it has to say. The calm, collected, reasoning voice - not the chaotic, foreign, confused one. You'll learn to easily distinguish between the two with practice. If you listen closely, you may find a key, or at least a possible method for an attempted breakthrough.

The other thing that I often tell myself, is to acknowledge the fact that not everything makes sense. There will be occurrences in which the only adequate description is to proclaim it utterly absurd and senseless - which is fine. Let the how's and why's go, and work with what you've got.

It's also important not to approach activities with the conscious resolute that its purpose is to be a distraction. As with what I previously mentioned - by mentally grasping the statement "I want to stop thinking about ____" throughout, you are in fact keeping the "_____" safely within the consciousness. Engage in different activities, but be mindful of how they are approached.

Finally, no offense intended, but I do not believe that it is necessarily in your best interest to still retain hopes of achieving anything with this person. Doing so will only perpetuate the inner confusion, and hinder you from attaining the clarity and closure which you seek. It is, essentially, putting your sanity on the line for fate to judge. There are better ways to go.