Doll
February 16th, 2010, 01:34 AM
I've been quite depressed lately, and now I've just kind of gone over the edge.
I've known and loved this guy half, maybe 3/4 of a year. I love him, and I know it's real. I thought he loved me too. He told me so, every single day. He told me an hour ago, when we talked.
I've been with him through so much crap. He had a boyfriend, who was also my friend, that was verbally abusive and all they did was fight. But they insisted they loved eachother, and it took them months to break up. I'd been with them through the whole thing, and I was just trying to keep them together so that they'd be happy, because I knew it was so much worse when they were apart. I was in love with one guy, I had a crush on the other. So it literally tore me into pieces, but I wanted them to be happy. Then, Vinny [The guy I love] decided that he couldn't take it, and he was going to kill himself. Keep in mind that his parents are dead, and he has a drug problem. He texted me, telling me he loved me and Alex like he always did. Then he told me he was going to kill himself. I sat there, crying on my bed, texting him for an hour. Then after one text, he didn't reply. I sat there counting minutes for three hours, before I finally cried myself to sleep.
Two weeks of cutting, pain, and nothing but tears later, I get an IM. Apparently, he had jumped out of his window. It didn't kill him, but he landed in an awkward way and something happened with his heart. A week or two later, we started dating. It was wonderful, amazing, everything I'd hoped for. I was finally ok again. It was still hard, because of his heart problems, but we were ok. Then, I found out he'd cheated on me, with a guy. So, being stupid like I always am, I broke up with him. Then I tried to kill myself, and failed. I had to tell him about it, since I hadn't talk to him for the good part of a week and he was wondering if I was ok. He got mad at me, and told me it was a stupid thing to do and that he loved me and he'd missed me, and he couldn't take it if I was gone. I believed him. So, we were just friends for a while. Then Alex came back. He and Vinny got back together, which put me in a bad mood. Vinny got worried, and Alex was telling him I was just jealous and to ignore me. I kept telling him that I was fine, and that I was happy for him, but he knew me better than that. Alex hated me by now, even though I hadn't done anything to him at all. He kept trying to convince Vinny that I was just trying to pull them apart, and that he shouldn't talk to me. I got angry, and of course I ranted and sent him a message. It was pretty much along the lines of, "I'm not jealous. I want him to be happy, but I know that he won't be with you. If you're what he wants, then fine. But you better not hurt him. I love him, more than you ever could, and if you don't take care of him I swear to God I'll kill you." etc., but in better words with more crap in there. I mean I was furious. Of course, he sent the whole thing to Vinny, who dumped his ass and told me he loved me too, that he still did and never stopped. However, we didn't get back together. It took months, maybe two. He dated other people, and it bothered the crap out of me. Eventually we got to talking about it, and we got back together. By then he had moved to Scotland, and his uncle had moved in to take care of him while he was recovering from all of the heart surgeries and everything. Turns out his uncle was abusive. I told him that if he gave me a number, I would call the police for him, since he'd taken his phone. He told me it was his problem, and he'd work it out. Eventually it turned into a normal, sweet conversation. A few days later, we were talking about Goat babies. It was cute, there was a long story behind it that I won't tell now. We were having a lot of fun, and everything was perfect, and it was just hilarious. The next night, he broke up with me. He said he just couldn't handle a relationship at the moment, and even though it broke my heart and I cried for hours, I said it was fine. Well, we've kept talking and recently he's been talking about this Dameon guy. He liked him before, after Alex, but nothing had come of it. Dameon still has a boyfriend, but he tells Vinny he loves him and that they may have a chance, etc. But, all he does is yell at him and verbally abuse him. So Vinny talked to me about it tonight, and said he wanted to leave and just not talk to him again, but he didn't know how to do it. I gave him advice, and we talked for maybe two hours about it. Then he said thanks, he felt so much better, he loves me, and he's just wasting his love on Dameon. So I said I loved him too, I was glad I could help, and he could probably find someone much better. Then, he said "I don't think there will be anyone else... You were actually the best. So I think I'll just stay single, until that person comes."
And that's when I realized, he never intended to get back together with me. The whole, "I can't handle a relationship right now" thing was just a lie, an excuse. He was done with me. So for the past hour I've been sitting here with 51 pills and a stack of exacto knife blades. He's been my life for so long, and I could always tell him anything and everything, and he would listen. Vice versa. He was the first person I'd loved, and now I'm thinking he'll be my last. I want to talk to someone about it, but it's 1:17 A.M. here and my parents would just tell me to stop being so hormonal and to go back to bed. They've never really cared about stuff like this, if I try to talk to them about it they just tell me I'm being overdramatic and to shut up about it. I know I'm depressed, and I'm just afraid to talk to them about it. They wouldn't take it well. But I can't tell any of my friends, they'd think I was crazy, or tell a teacher at school or something. Try to get me help I don't want. The one friend I can tell, just tells me not to do it and everyones life is bad and blah blah blah. But it's not just Vinny, there are tons of other things. We were 98% sure my dad had cancer, but it turned out he didn't. My mom had blood pressure problems, and had to have her heart restarted in my living room once. My brother is screwed up and pretty much psychotic, and he'll hurt me if I do anything he doesn't like. I can't even eat in my own house unless I'm locked up in my room, because he doesn't like the noise. My dad has anger management problems, and pretty much all he does is yell and pick fights. He and my brother have gotten into a few fistfights. The worst was once when my brother had tried to kill himself and OD'd on Valium, and whatever else he could find in the medicine cabinet. So he was acting crazy, and he kept trying to jump off the deck and kill himself and things like that. He looked like he was going to attack my mom, and he was coming at her, so my dad punched him to protect her. Then there was lots of screaming and "You broke my nose!!" and crap. A few hours later, my brother grabbed a big metal flashlight that's really heavy, and hit him over the head with it, and in the nose. They were fighting, and eventually my dad got him on the ground and handcuffed, since my dad has pretty much everything you'll ever need and happens to carry handcuffs with him. During the middle of this, I was calling 911 and couldn't even stand up.
So, everythings crap and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want help, but I can't get it. My parents wouldn't pay for it. When I started cutting, my dad actually yelled at me for it and told me it was stupid and to suck it up. So, I have no one to go to, and I just want to kill myself. But then again I don't want to.
What should I do?
I'm sorry it's so long, I don't mean to waste your time.
I've known and loved this guy half, maybe 3/4 of a year. I love him, and I know it's real. I thought he loved me too. He told me so, every single day. He told me an hour ago, when we talked.
I've been with him through so much crap. He had a boyfriend, who was also my friend, that was verbally abusive and all they did was fight. But they insisted they loved eachother, and it took them months to break up. I'd been with them through the whole thing, and I was just trying to keep them together so that they'd be happy, because I knew it was so much worse when they were apart. I was in love with one guy, I had a crush on the other. So it literally tore me into pieces, but I wanted them to be happy. Then, Vinny [The guy I love] decided that he couldn't take it, and he was going to kill himself. Keep in mind that his parents are dead, and he has a drug problem. He texted me, telling me he loved me and Alex like he always did. Then he told me he was going to kill himself. I sat there, crying on my bed, texting him for an hour. Then after one text, he didn't reply. I sat there counting minutes for three hours, before I finally cried myself to sleep.
Two weeks of cutting, pain, and nothing but tears later, I get an IM. Apparently, he had jumped out of his window. It didn't kill him, but he landed in an awkward way and something happened with his heart. A week or two later, we started dating. It was wonderful, amazing, everything I'd hoped for. I was finally ok again. It was still hard, because of his heart problems, but we were ok. Then, I found out he'd cheated on me, with a guy. So, being stupid like I always am, I broke up with him. Then I tried to kill myself, and failed. I had to tell him about it, since I hadn't talk to him for the good part of a week and he was wondering if I was ok. He got mad at me, and told me it was a stupid thing to do and that he loved me and he'd missed me, and he couldn't take it if I was gone. I believed him. So, we were just friends for a while. Then Alex came back. He and Vinny got back together, which put me in a bad mood. Vinny got worried, and Alex was telling him I was just jealous and to ignore me. I kept telling him that I was fine, and that I was happy for him, but he knew me better than that. Alex hated me by now, even though I hadn't done anything to him at all. He kept trying to convince Vinny that I was just trying to pull them apart, and that he shouldn't talk to me. I got angry, and of course I ranted and sent him a message. It was pretty much along the lines of, "I'm not jealous. I want him to be happy, but I know that he won't be with you. If you're what he wants, then fine. But you better not hurt him. I love him, more than you ever could, and if you don't take care of him I swear to God I'll kill you." etc., but in better words with more crap in there. I mean I was furious. Of course, he sent the whole thing to Vinny, who dumped his ass and told me he loved me too, that he still did and never stopped. However, we didn't get back together. It took months, maybe two. He dated other people, and it bothered the crap out of me. Eventually we got to talking about it, and we got back together. By then he had moved to Scotland, and his uncle had moved in to take care of him while he was recovering from all of the heart surgeries and everything. Turns out his uncle was abusive. I told him that if he gave me a number, I would call the police for him, since he'd taken his phone. He told me it was his problem, and he'd work it out. Eventually it turned into a normal, sweet conversation. A few days later, we were talking about Goat babies. It was cute, there was a long story behind it that I won't tell now. We were having a lot of fun, and everything was perfect, and it was just hilarious. The next night, he broke up with me. He said he just couldn't handle a relationship at the moment, and even though it broke my heart and I cried for hours, I said it was fine. Well, we've kept talking and recently he's been talking about this Dameon guy. He liked him before, after Alex, but nothing had come of it. Dameon still has a boyfriend, but he tells Vinny he loves him and that they may have a chance, etc. But, all he does is yell at him and verbally abuse him. So Vinny talked to me about it tonight, and said he wanted to leave and just not talk to him again, but he didn't know how to do it. I gave him advice, and we talked for maybe two hours about it. Then he said thanks, he felt so much better, he loves me, and he's just wasting his love on Dameon. So I said I loved him too, I was glad I could help, and he could probably find someone much better. Then, he said "I don't think there will be anyone else... You were actually the best. So I think I'll just stay single, until that person comes."
And that's when I realized, he never intended to get back together with me. The whole, "I can't handle a relationship right now" thing was just a lie, an excuse. He was done with me. So for the past hour I've been sitting here with 51 pills and a stack of exacto knife blades. He's been my life for so long, and I could always tell him anything and everything, and he would listen. Vice versa. He was the first person I'd loved, and now I'm thinking he'll be my last. I want to talk to someone about it, but it's 1:17 A.M. here and my parents would just tell me to stop being so hormonal and to go back to bed. They've never really cared about stuff like this, if I try to talk to them about it they just tell me I'm being overdramatic and to shut up about it. I know I'm depressed, and I'm just afraid to talk to them about it. They wouldn't take it well. But I can't tell any of my friends, they'd think I was crazy, or tell a teacher at school or something. Try to get me help I don't want. The one friend I can tell, just tells me not to do it and everyones life is bad and blah blah blah. But it's not just Vinny, there are tons of other things. We were 98% sure my dad had cancer, but it turned out he didn't. My mom had blood pressure problems, and had to have her heart restarted in my living room once. My brother is screwed up and pretty much psychotic, and he'll hurt me if I do anything he doesn't like. I can't even eat in my own house unless I'm locked up in my room, because he doesn't like the noise. My dad has anger management problems, and pretty much all he does is yell and pick fights. He and my brother have gotten into a few fistfights. The worst was once when my brother had tried to kill himself and OD'd on Valium, and whatever else he could find in the medicine cabinet. So he was acting crazy, and he kept trying to jump off the deck and kill himself and things like that. He looked like he was going to attack my mom, and he was coming at her, so my dad punched him to protect her. Then there was lots of screaming and "You broke my nose!!" and crap. A few hours later, my brother grabbed a big metal flashlight that's really heavy, and hit him over the head with it, and in the nose. They were fighting, and eventually my dad got him on the ground and handcuffed, since my dad has pretty much everything you'll ever need and happens to carry handcuffs with him. During the middle of this, I was calling 911 and couldn't even stand up.
So, everythings crap and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want help, but I can't get it. My parents wouldn't pay for it. When I started cutting, my dad actually yelled at me for it and told me it was stupid and to suck it up. So, I have no one to go to, and I just want to kill myself. But then again I don't want to.
What should I do?
I'm sorry it's so long, I don't mean to waste your time.