Obscene Eyedeas
February 15th, 2010, 12:12 PM
I got the courage to write this after i saw epiphanys post. Its something ive needed to do along time but i know mom wouldn read it. Just throw it in the fire so here it goes.
Dear mom,
what have i done to you to be so hated? I know i was a difficult child, i know i kept you up nights with my screams and i know it took a lot out of you to deal with a child who showed no emotions and who hated to be touched even by you. But i do everything for you and dad!!!! I work my ass off. This last year alone ive won hundreds in writing comps and donated most to charity, i do work for charity when i can, i teach basic first aid am being trained at higher levels myself i am top in the country this year ffs! I have a publisher interested in my books. Im going to be a doctor but ye just say couldn you do a lot better then that. Doctors not that hard. I know im intelligent but im not that intelligent. You hit me slap me you scream at me, you let my sis abuse me for just a year under half of my life. You told me you hate me you told me you don't care. I work harder then mike and liz combined and yet you love them and hate me. You make me hate myself i want to die because i cant handle being loved after what ye have done. I try and help people as much as i can so that they will never feel like me, i try and try and try to battle my depression but self harm jokes and constant hateful remarks keep knocking me back down and it hurts more because i still love you! Mom why? Why? I wish i knew what it was in me that makes you hate me, what am i? Who am i? You make me question my beliefs and values everyday? You took away my faith in God you made me so good at partitioning myself i cant look people in the eyes! I just cant cuz im not good enough to look people in the eyes. I know im a freak youve beaten that into me i know i am. I love you i love you i love you!!!!!!!!!!! WHY dont you love me? What have i done to be such a failure? I try so hard for you mommy i just wanna here you say you love me. Have a family night with me? But i guess that is too much to ask. so i never will ask because things are better the way they are because through your cruelty mom i have saved so many lives, prevented so many suicides and helped so many through depression, so i can never hate you. Because i dnt care about myself anymore i just dont want anyone to feel this way and you have made me so good at helping people with depression and rejection the rest has come through other experiences. Ive wanted to tel you for years mom i have this amazing gift that one of my friends recently described as *being able to look into someones very soul* i can see things in people that noone else can people cant hide things from me because part of being emotionally stunted meant i could develop my gift to the point where i can read someone even the darkest things they try and hide from everyone and sometimes that can ruin my friendships and relationships but its helped so many others that noone would have even realized were down. Its so amazing to be able to do this. But i know if i told you, you'd just call me a freak but im not a fucking freak mom im me!!!!!!! WHy cant you see that!!!! i help people mom but you would call me a failure for caring for others.
All ive ever wanted was for you to love me but i dnt even think that it will help me anymore. I dnt think youll ever love me and ive come to accept that,
I just want you to know i love you mom and i always will no matter whether you hit me scream me or tell me you hate me i love you.
Love your youngest child,
Your daughter,
Laura
Dear mom,
what have i done to you to be so hated? I know i was a difficult child, i know i kept you up nights with my screams and i know it took a lot out of you to deal with a child who showed no emotions and who hated to be touched even by you. But i do everything for you and dad!!!! I work my ass off. This last year alone ive won hundreds in writing comps and donated most to charity, i do work for charity when i can, i teach basic first aid am being trained at higher levels myself i am top in the country this year ffs! I have a publisher interested in my books. Im going to be a doctor but ye just say couldn you do a lot better then that. Doctors not that hard. I know im intelligent but im not that intelligent. You hit me slap me you scream at me, you let my sis abuse me for just a year under half of my life. You told me you hate me you told me you don't care. I work harder then mike and liz combined and yet you love them and hate me. You make me hate myself i want to die because i cant handle being loved after what ye have done. I try and help people as much as i can so that they will never feel like me, i try and try and try to battle my depression but self harm jokes and constant hateful remarks keep knocking me back down and it hurts more because i still love you! Mom why? Why? I wish i knew what it was in me that makes you hate me, what am i? Who am i? You make me question my beliefs and values everyday? You took away my faith in God you made me so good at partitioning myself i cant look people in the eyes! I just cant cuz im not good enough to look people in the eyes. I know im a freak youve beaten that into me i know i am. I love you i love you i love you!!!!!!!!!!! WHY dont you love me? What have i done to be such a failure? I try so hard for you mommy i just wanna here you say you love me. Have a family night with me? But i guess that is too much to ask. so i never will ask because things are better the way they are because through your cruelty mom i have saved so many lives, prevented so many suicides and helped so many through depression, so i can never hate you. Because i dnt care about myself anymore i just dont want anyone to feel this way and you have made me so good at helping people with depression and rejection the rest has come through other experiences. Ive wanted to tel you for years mom i have this amazing gift that one of my friends recently described as *being able to look into someones very soul* i can see things in people that noone else can people cant hide things from me because part of being emotionally stunted meant i could develop my gift to the point where i can read someone even the darkest things they try and hide from everyone and sometimes that can ruin my friendships and relationships but its helped so many others that noone would have even realized were down. Its so amazing to be able to do this. But i know if i told you, you'd just call me a freak but im not a fucking freak mom im me!!!!!!! WHy cant you see that!!!! i help people mom but you would call me a failure for caring for others.
All ive ever wanted was for you to love me but i dnt even think that it will help me anymore. I dnt think youll ever love me and ive come to accept that,
I just want you to know i love you mom and i always will no matter whether you hit me scream me or tell me you hate me i love you.
Love your youngest child,
Your daughter,
Laura