mexa
February 6th, 2010, 09:48 PM
Recently I've started to question many many things about myself: my personality, sexuality, what I'll do in my future and pretty much everything.
I've been seriously thinking about my future, about what I'm planing to do with my life, school, family and everything. But I massively fear I'll be a failure at everything, I can't seem to keep important stuff inside my head like school basics and all, I just remember what I need when I need it and immediately afterwards it's "erased" from my mind or buried very deep inside of my head...which makes me think "will I be able to get a job? will I be able to keep it? will I be capable of raising a family?". I fear I will really disappoint my parents which has even brought me to the thoughts of suicide "if I end it I won't have to live through it" but then I remember..."how many friends/family that really care for me will I hurt?", which sorta keeps my life going since I really don't have the guts to kill myself and I don't want to hurt my family and friends.
Back to the "will I be able to raise a family" brings me to another important thing, I've never really fallen in love, I've never felt that "feeling" that makes everyone's life happy...I'm starting to believe I'm asexual, I don't feel anything "sexual" or "emotional" towards anyone but I have a really BIG emotional attachment to most of my friends, I really don't know what I would do if I lost one of them, specially if its someone I hang around a lot...I imagine I would die slowly inside...but then I would remember life must go on since things happen for a reason.
The "falling in love" thing really bugs me, and it bugs me even more because it's almost valentines day. Everyone seems to have someone to love and care for really deeply and feel happy, I don't. I have many many friends, both guys and girls and they sometimes tell me they "love me" in the friendly way, in other words, they like being friends with me...I feel happy, very very happy when they say that to me since I know I have someone that cares for me but then I remember "my family will ALWAYS love me in a way or another, I don't know why I need someone to say it to me"...but friends that "love you" makes you get a very different feeling, a different kind of warmth inside you.
I also had a girlfriend once...it didn't work. I've always been shy towards people, distrusting and fearing they'll betray me in a way, which gives me a hard time making GOOD friends, friends I can trust and actually care for. The girlfriend thing didn't work out for me, but at that time I was young and I still am, I just want to make things go at a smooth pace and make everything happen at the right time...but everyone just goes around having a bunch of girlfriends or "making out" with random girls which makes me feel like I'm "falling behind", but I don't want to make out with a girl just because she wants to or she's pretty or anything...I NEED to love her so that the kiss is real.
Everyone seems to take the love thing too lightly, love is not to be fooled with and we're too young to really love someone, although many claim that they love their girlfriend they always end up breaking up with her. And since many people take the love thing too fast they obviously end up having sex and BAM!! the girl is pregnant...way to go dude enjoy your life leaving her behind because you were too careless to do the right thing.
Now lets talk about friends. The guys and girls I've met in high school are all nice people in comparison to middle school douchebags, of course with the exception of a random guy that wants to play a fool. A while ago I wrote that I don't have a best friend, but I've recently spent some time with one of the twins I've talked about, he's a nice person and we share some common interests, I always feel happy when I talk to him...but recently he got himself a girlfriend...she's pregnant and its the fault of her ex, so in my head I was thinking "dude are you sure you're ready for that?", I mean the other guy could come at a random time and beat the crap out of him...I bet no one would want his pregnant ex with a random guy.
To you my friend, I wish for you the best...being the boyfriend of a pregnant girl is never an easy thing, but if you really "love" her I guess I can't stop you...I know you're never gonna read this but I need to tell someone about it, I hope her ex doesn't beat you up...but if he ever tries I'll give you a hand in my best possible way, I'll probably have to tell you this in real life at some point in the near future so I'll prepare psychologically for a possible beat up.
And that reminds me of last "problem". I always get too attached to my new friends...just too much and this has repeated a couple of times. First of in my first year of middle school I made friends pretty quickly and one specifically I got attached to, I would day dream of him getting beaten up and me "saving" him in some sort of heroic way...then in my last year I became a good friend with another guy in my class, same story. Now me being friend of the twin...same thing all over again. I don't know whats my problem but I usually get over it after spending some time with them.
I know I'm not capable in any way of fighting someone else in a real fist fight, fear might overwhelm me and make me useless, but I'll just keep hoping that I will never have to fight in any way.
I'm sorry I made this really long...but I needed to tell someone about it, and since I don't trust anyone I know with this I thought about posting it here. I know I should really tell someone but I don't have the guts, I fear of their reaction and what they'll think of me afterwards so I'll keep my thoughts to myself and people I don't know through the internet heh.
Thank you for reading...and seriously, I could use some positive comments =].
I've been seriously thinking about my future, about what I'm planing to do with my life, school, family and everything. But I massively fear I'll be a failure at everything, I can't seem to keep important stuff inside my head like school basics and all, I just remember what I need when I need it and immediately afterwards it's "erased" from my mind or buried very deep inside of my head...which makes me think "will I be able to get a job? will I be able to keep it? will I be capable of raising a family?". I fear I will really disappoint my parents which has even brought me to the thoughts of suicide "if I end it I won't have to live through it" but then I remember..."how many friends/family that really care for me will I hurt?", which sorta keeps my life going since I really don't have the guts to kill myself and I don't want to hurt my family and friends.
Back to the "will I be able to raise a family" brings me to another important thing, I've never really fallen in love, I've never felt that "feeling" that makes everyone's life happy...I'm starting to believe I'm asexual, I don't feel anything "sexual" or "emotional" towards anyone but I have a really BIG emotional attachment to most of my friends, I really don't know what I would do if I lost one of them, specially if its someone I hang around a lot...I imagine I would die slowly inside...but then I would remember life must go on since things happen for a reason.
The "falling in love" thing really bugs me, and it bugs me even more because it's almost valentines day. Everyone seems to have someone to love and care for really deeply and feel happy, I don't. I have many many friends, both guys and girls and they sometimes tell me they "love me" in the friendly way, in other words, they like being friends with me...I feel happy, very very happy when they say that to me since I know I have someone that cares for me but then I remember "my family will ALWAYS love me in a way or another, I don't know why I need someone to say it to me"...but friends that "love you" makes you get a very different feeling, a different kind of warmth inside you.
I also had a girlfriend once...it didn't work. I've always been shy towards people, distrusting and fearing they'll betray me in a way, which gives me a hard time making GOOD friends, friends I can trust and actually care for. The girlfriend thing didn't work out for me, but at that time I was young and I still am, I just want to make things go at a smooth pace and make everything happen at the right time...but everyone just goes around having a bunch of girlfriends or "making out" with random girls which makes me feel like I'm "falling behind", but I don't want to make out with a girl just because she wants to or she's pretty or anything...I NEED to love her so that the kiss is real.
Everyone seems to take the love thing too lightly, love is not to be fooled with and we're too young to really love someone, although many claim that they love their girlfriend they always end up breaking up with her. And since many people take the love thing too fast they obviously end up having sex and BAM!! the girl is pregnant...way to go dude enjoy your life leaving her behind because you were too careless to do the right thing.
Now lets talk about friends. The guys and girls I've met in high school are all nice people in comparison to middle school douchebags, of course with the exception of a random guy that wants to play a fool. A while ago I wrote that I don't have a best friend, but I've recently spent some time with one of the twins I've talked about, he's a nice person and we share some common interests, I always feel happy when I talk to him...but recently he got himself a girlfriend...she's pregnant and its the fault of her ex, so in my head I was thinking "dude are you sure you're ready for that?", I mean the other guy could come at a random time and beat the crap out of him...I bet no one would want his pregnant ex with a random guy.
To you my friend, I wish for you the best...being the boyfriend of a pregnant girl is never an easy thing, but if you really "love" her I guess I can't stop you...I know you're never gonna read this but I need to tell someone about it, I hope her ex doesn't beat you up...but if he ever tries I'll give you a hand in my best possible way, I'll probably have to tell you this in real life at some point in the near future so I'll prepare psychologically for a possible beat up.
And that reminds me of last "problem". I always get too attached to my new friends...just too much and this has repeated a couple of times. First of in my first year of middle school I made friends pretty quickly and one specifically I got attached to, I would day dream of him getting beaten up and me "saving" him in some sort of heroic way...then in my last year I became a good friend with another guy in my class, same story. Now me being friend of the twin...same thing all over again. I don't know whats my problem but I usually get over it after spending some time with them.
I know I'm not capable in any way of fighting someone else in a real fist fight, fear might overwhelm me and make me useless, but I'll just keep hoping that I will never have to fight in any way.
I'm sorry I made this really long...but I needed to tell someone about it, and since I don't trust anyone I know with this I thought about posting it here. I know I should really tell someone but I don't have the guts, I fear of their reaction and what they'll think of me afterwards so I'll keep my thoughts to myself and people I don't know through the internet heh.
Thank you for reading...and seriously, I could use some positive comments =].