My Cowboy, Me and age.

[Country-Cowgirl]

Ok so here it goes. I'm dating a cowboy, who's a bull rider, and he is like 3 years older then me. Everyone I've told about our relationship thinks that I'm just a "fling" of his or that he's to old for me. I wear a ring on my left ring finger so that other guys know that I'm in a relationship its just a keychain type ring. Well my boyfriend keeps playing with it (spinning it around and ribbing the tip of his finger along it). He keeps hinting at us moving in together. Lately he's had me watching a lot of romeo and juliet movies. You know where they end up married in the end. Well that gets me thinking about the whole thing.

A while back his old roommate told my boyfriend that I said I hated being with him and some other completely ridiculous things. So my cowboy called me and said "did you say things things? are they true?" I said "no of course not" and he said ok. then I hadnt heard from him in a while after that so I wasnt sure what was going on. I got a little upset about it but I knew that they real reason why he wasnt talking to me was because he had to work and not because he believed his roommate.

So the next time I heard from him it was like 12 or 2 am and he's like "hey love. whats up?" and then asked if I could hang out I said no because I had to go to work in 3 hours but then he got all cute and said "please? I miss you and really want to see you. I'll take you where ever you want to go whenever you need to. I promise." So of course I cave and sneak out and go watch one of those they end up married movies with him. Well now he's moved to another town a little farther away then the one with THAT roommate and he's been taking extra shift but I cant get ahold of him I saw he was on myspace earlier and sent him a message but I dont think he got it because it was about time for him to leave for his other job.

Idk what to do or what he wants of even if I did something to upset him.

So do you think I'm just a "fling" of his or that I should just stick it out and wait to hear from him? Is 3 years really that big of a difference? I just love him so much and I'm not sure he gets that because he's never had a real serious relationship before. I mean there is this sticker/saying type thing that says "only a real cowboy has a chance of taming this cowgirl's heart" well according to my friends thats exactly what he's done to me.

[Ripplemagne]

How old are you?

[Country-Cowgirl]

18. its a very long story with him though. I have trust issues with guys and he is amazing. I just sometimes get this feeling like maybe I messed something up. and Bull riders are like well something else. I've really only dated "city" boys before so its different. Like I gave him a necklace I made (cable, long horn charm, 2 metal beads and 6 inches of wire) and when I saw him last I teasingly said "you know you dont have to wear that right?" he turned to me and said "I wear it every day" I hate it when he does stuff like that (not really thats a joke)

the other thing is we have only been dating for a few months. like 4. well almost 5.

[Sapphire]

The age gap doesn't seem to be too much of a problem at first glance.
But after only 4-5 months, I think it is much too soon to think about long term commitments or anything like that. Especially considering that you are only 18.

[Ripplemagne]

Unfortunately, I don't see much a future for you.

You're both in two completely different phases of your life. At 21, your boyfriend is facing Intimacy v. Isolation. You, on the other hand, are facing Identity v. Role Confusion. By Erik Erik's theory of development, you two are facing entirely different things.

Whereas you are still discovering and rediscovering yourself (and if you're not, you're doing something wrong), your boyfriend is sharing what he's learned about himself with others and looking for ties.

All that's going to happen by pushing this relationship is your own mental growth is going to get impaired. Personally, I think you're stunting your growth and you are, for him, "just a fling".

At your ages, you shouldn't even be thinking about marriage, let alone consider it. Especially after only being together for three years. The fact that he's doing such and watching Romeo and Juliet and behaving the way he is is an indicator of immaturity to me. There's nothing wrong with being romantic, but there's just little things that make me question his judgment.

In the end, it's not going to matter what I say though. It's your choice.

[Blood]

I wouldnt consider you a 'fling' for dating an older guy. When it comes to love, age honestly doesnt matter.

[Ripplemagne]

I wouldnt consider you a 'fling' for dating an older guy. When it comes to love, age honestly doesnt matter.

So, it's perfectly alright for a 14 year old to date a 55 year old?

[Blood]

Do yourself a favor and try not to pick a fight with me. Of course that big of an age difference isnt ok.

[Ripplemagne]

Do yourself a favor and try not to pick a fight with me. Of course that big of an age difference isnt ok.

Who's picking a fight? I asked you a question based on what you said. There are entire studies that show that age "just being a number" is a farce. The prevailing theory is Y/2+7=X (Y = older person's age, X = younger person's acceptable age.)

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/17/Half-age-plus-seven-relationship-rule.svg/300px-Half-age-plus-seven-relationship-rule.svg.png

Age is, most certainly, not just a number. And while her particular situation fits the graph above, there are also other factors to bear in mind such as the theory I mentioned in my earlier post.

[Blood]

Each and every individual is different. 'Studies' are not going determine whether Missy and her boyfriend are going to work out together.

[Ripplemagne]

Each and every individual is different. 'Studies' are not going determine whether Missy and her boyfriend are going to work out together.

I never said they were universal, irrefutable truths. But to say "Hey, I don't give a shit about what years of psychological data surmises because it's not universal" is rather ignorant. And even if they're not universal, they are still applicable.

Besides, you said age doesn't matter. I pointed out otherwise with documentation. It not being universally factual is an irrelevant stonewall.

I have seen nothing out of her particular situation to deduce otherwise.

[Country-Cowgirl]

For me I am very interested in a committed relationship. Most of my previous relationship lasted at least a year. And with me and my family my being 18 isnt to young and it wouldnt be right away and even if we were engaged it would probably take a while before we set a wedding date.


I have have done most of the growing up I'm going to do there isnt really anywhere else for me to grow both physically and emotionally. and I said Romeo and Juliet TYPE movies, the modern less reproduced ones. I believe, at least, that I am now looking for ties and we will still have the summer and then whatever happens.

I guess I'm more confused about him. He grew up in a "broken" home. All of his siblings have different fathers and his never stuck around to even see him. The only father he has know was not the best example. So relationships arent is forte. But one day he's all mushy lovey dovey then he's well abrupt. I understand he cant talk at work but sometimes I dont get him. If you know cowboys you know that they can be the most jealous men ever. They worry if their girls are cheating on them and I guess Im concerned that he might think that but I hope he doesnt because I would never and COULDNT. Plus I have basically told him in every language I know that I will ALWAYS be faithful.

Is he maybe just pushing to see how committed I am? maybe trying to find out if I'm serious about being with him or if he's just my "trophy" older man? Idk. *rubs head as headache sets in.

[Ripplemagne]

For me I am very interested in a committed relationship. Most of my previous relationship lasted at least a year. And with me and my family my being 18 isnt to young and it wouldnt be right away and even if we were engaged it would probably take a while before we set a wedding date.


It's normal to want romance before you're ready for it. Remember when we were all fourteen and the guys fantasized about being super heroes who saved the damsel in distress and the girls fantasized about their knight in shining armor? It's the same concept.

I understand where you're coming from, but you have to understand what our wants are aren't always what our needs are.

I guess I'm more confused about him. He grew up in a "broken" home. All of his siblings have different fathers and his never stuck around to even see him. The only father he has know was not the best example. So relationships arent is forte. But one day he's all mushy lovey dovey then he's well abrupt. I understand he cant talk at work but sometimes I dont get him. If you know cowboys you know that they can be the most jealous men ever. They worry if their girls are cheating on them and I guess Im concerned that he might think that but I hope he doesnt because I would never and COULDNT. Plus I have basically told him in every language I know that I will ALWAYS be faithful.

Is he maybe just pushing to see how committed I am? maybe trying to find out if I'm serious about being with him or if he's just my "trophy" older man? Idk. *rubs head as headache sets in.


I take it as a sign of insecurity. Jealous types are usually people who feel they are lacking something.

I would severely suggest you look into Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson's_stages_of_psychosocial_development) that I mentioned earlier. It'll explain where his lack of self-confidence/insecurity stems from (which I would attribute to the patriarchal difficulties you just mentioned.)

My guess is that he has a fear of rejection, being that he feels rejected by his father, etc. etc. This is a difficult matter to resolve, though it isn't impossible to do so. Seems like a lot of baggage and I would advise against.

But what's important is what you want. Do you want this? I would question if you do being that you're posting a thread on a forum about it, but you'll have to ask yourself that question.

[Sapphire]

Just want to get this cleared up since I know you aren't firing on all cylinders atm but Ripp, they only started dating 4-5 months ago and not 3 years ago.

Anyway, to the OP and your question now. I think you should talk with him about things. We could state our opinions about what could be going on in his head and be nowhere near the truth. To get truthful feedback, you need to talk with him.
If you have a strong connection then such a discussion will only bring you two closer.

[Country-Cowgirl]

I had my "knight in shining armor" phase at nine not 14 and not 15 I have always matured faster then normal hence my physical growth is already finish instead of me finishing at 21 like every other girl. Its a family trait. when I was 12 a I had 6 guy (around 25) flirt with me because they thought I was 18 then I said "you do realize I'm only 12" and they guys were like Oh cool hey look I have to get back to work. My romance stage was when I was like 15/16. I've not dated since then...until now.

(which I would attribute to the patriarchal difficulties you just mentioned.) It PATERNAL not patriarchal I'd know I do genealogy work for people. Maternal is mother and paternal is father...or 'pa'.

I do believe I want it my worry is that he doesnt because well I have a bad past with men and he's been patient with me so far. I was abused by my father and ex-boyfriends and have been well raped several times (2 I stabbed they guy that tried for the 3 with his own knife but because of my training I avoided major organs and arteries so he served his time in the service being called gay because he wouldnt let himself around girls). So if he does have baggage its only as much as I have. and I guess I feel more comfortable with that, knowing that they arent trying to be or prove that they are "perfect" or "normal".

But I do understand where your coming from as well.

We have talked about maybe moving in together or at least having week long sleep overs when he gets his own place or I can afford a lot of land I have been looking at but as like a trial basis. I dont want to push our relationship on him and I wont ask him to give anything up for me unless its harmful to him or the both of us. He has his dreams and I'm willing to support and stick through them with him even if it means maybe putting mine on hold.

I hope we can talk sometime this week but if he cant get minutes then I'm not sure we'l be able to talk let alone hang out. I'l ask him the question to "is this what i want?" or whatever it was.

[Ripplemagne]

Just want to get this cleared up since I know you aren't firing on all cylinders atm but Ripp, they only started dating 4-5 months ago and not 3 years ago.


I thought I edited that out. <<

I had my "knight in shining armor" phase at nine not 14

Doesn't matter. That was just an example.

I have always matured faster then normal hence my physical growth is already finish instead of me finishing at 21 like every other girl.

Actually, most girls are finished growing at your age. But that's irrelevant. You're not done with mental growth though is the point I was making.

(which I would attribute to the patriarchal difficulties you just mentioned.) It PATERNAL not patriarchal I'd know I do genealogy work for people. Maternal is mother and paternal is father...or 'pa'.

Patriarchal. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Patriarchal)

I do believe I want it my worry is that he doesnt because well I have a bad past with men and he's been patient with me so far. I was abused by my father and ex-boyfriends and have been well raped several times (2 I stabbed they guy that tried for the 3 with his own knife but because of my training I avoided major organs and arteries so he served his time in the service being called gay because he wouldnt let himself around girls). So if he does have baggage its only as much as I have. and I guess I feel more comfortable with that, knowing that they arent trying to be or prove that they are "perfect" or "normal".

But I do understand where your coming from as well.

We have talked about maybe moving in together or at least having week long sleep overs when he gets his own place or I can afford a lot of land I have been looking at but as like a trial basis. I dont want to push our relationship on him and I wont ask him to give anything up for me unless its harmful to him or the both of us. He has his dreams and I'm willing to support and stick through them with him even if it means maybe putting mine on hold.

I hope we can talk sometime this week but if he cant get minutes then I'm not sure we'l be able to talk let alone hang out. I'l ask him the question to "is this what i want?" or whatever it was.


It sounds to me that you're trying to convince yourself more than you're trying to convince me.

[Country-Cowgirl]

Maybe. I guess I'm also trying to make sure I'm not making him sound like a bad guy or like he has really bad issues and does stupid/bad stuff because his isnt a bad guy. He is the sweetest guy I know and is the best thing to have happened to me. I think he came along right when I needed him/someone the most and maybe thats why I'm so scared of losing him (it takes a lot for me to get that emotionally attached). I just dont want to mess this up or end up pushing him away because of my history with guy. He is like the first guy I've ever really been serious about and with my luck I'l end up ruining it.

I just miss being able to talk to him as much as I use to. I just miss him. He moved so now I cant see him as much because of his job and him paying for the new place.

[Country-Cowgirl]

Ok so he's finally got minutes again but he's either past out or at work so I have to wait to talk to him until tomorrow morning. IDK why i even tried texting him he almost never texts back after midnight. oh well. but hopefully I'l get to see him soon. find out what he's been up to because he's never not doing something (cowboys). Oh and I have to find out what Jessie's up to since the old ranch got shut down after then owner died. We are waiting until his son moves back on to the ranch. Plus he still has some of my gear from building the airplane hanger and fence and branding.

[Sapphire]

To be honest, I think you should just sit back and enjoy the ride. You both have so much time ahead of you that there is no rush and the wait will only strengthen the bond you share. Enjoy the present and don't worry too much about the future for now.

[Country-Cowgirl]

Yeah. thats kinda what I want to try to do but have a bad history with guys not sticking around (mostly military) and so i get a little....idk self-conscious. but now he is working 3 jobs 7 days a week so I might be staying with him for a while while i work at a local place.

[Rick's_Rodeo_Girl]

Jared...............*growls*

[xRAPiiDG4MERx]

if i was you, id move in with him, because then you will see more of him, and try and get a place at a different school or whatever you are at at the moment. But this is only my oppinion and im 16 and the girl i love is 14, and i want her to move in with me, that would make me so happy, to know that she is safe, so i guess the cowboy would feel the same :) good luck guys and girls