Destroy myself

[Fiction]

Do you ever get to the point where you can't even cry anymore? You've had a bad day, there's no friends to talk to and your parents just shout. There is just nothing you can feel yet still thers sadness there. Your not quite sure how, when you feel so numb, how sad you can be. You just want to to destroy yourself. You want to make the burns hotter and hotter or the cuts deeper and deeper but you can't. You don't have what you need to do that. So you use heavier and heavier objects to bruise yourself. All the time you do this you wish you could stop. But you can't. You just want to destroy yourself till there is nothing left. You want people to know, you want help. At the same time anyone finiding out is your worst fear. Your trapped inside your head, weighing up both sides of the story. That night you go to sleep with new marks on your body. And the cycle begins again. Life is an endless cycle of feeling nothing. I just want to feel again please help me. I am so scared about getting help but i just want to be happy like other people. How come some people seem to be so effortlessley happy? But you feel horrible on the best of days. Its all very confusing. I don't know what to do.

[Asylum]

kitty... getting help is scarry.... but i got help from my parents... i had to keep asking because they woulnd't listen at first.. i swear i asked them over 10 times... can i see a pshycologist... i self harm... they would see cuts, and just scream about it... but i got help eventaulyl. you know you can always talk to me... but gettign help isn't bqad. it can be good. the cycle can end. you can be happy. you just need a little help seeing hope :)

[CuriousDestruction]

i'm so sorry you feel so numb. that's a crappy feeling, or should i say lack of feeling to have. going to get help is probably the hardest step to self-healing. it's also the most important. i know it's hard to open up, i know you are scared of what will happen, but i tell you now, asking for help will only make things better. if you parents really love you, they will understand and want to help you. if you tell a therapist they will certainly help you. as for your last question, i have no idea how people are so effortlessly happy. that's a mystery to me too. but i think it has something to do with being happy with themselves. i think if you can help yourself, you will be a lot happier.

[Amyxoxo]

It may be the hardest thing that you will ever do but you have to start to tell someone. Even if you dont tell them face to face if you are brave and they are a really good friend show them the cuts, nothing else. Write them a message, text, e-mail, letter. Can you tell a teacher, then none of your friends will have to know.

The sooner you do it the easyer it will be!

They will be able to get you the help you need. I know that you dont want it, me neither but i have started to realise that it is getting rather serious and it isnt normal to feel the way that we all do. If you go and see a doctor or a counceler they will be able to make that numb feeling go away other than self harm. It is amazing what they can do. They can make you happy just like everyone else.
:) xx

[Fiction]

Sometimes i wonder if its help i need. I've been called an attention seeker before maybe thats just what i am? I am so confused. I want to rip myself apart because i can't get help. I'm really trapped and i just want to go to sleep and leave it all behind. I want to live, but this isn't living this is worse than death. I really don't know how i'm going to keep going on.

[Amyxoxo]

Your not an attention seaker unless you planned all of this, for you to feel so numb and horrid.

[Fiction]

No i never planned it but i did go through an "emo" phase when i was younger. You know the whole acting depressed so you fit in the lable. Ridiculous i know. But sometimes i wonder if it was my fault for doing that. . like i just made myslef not be bale to tell the difference. i am so confused.

[munchausen]

Yeah I feel like that alot, You know people have actually asked me why I'm so happy all the time, but I'm not. At all. It's an easy thing to fake effectively tell a few jokes, wave overly enthusiastically, laugh at anything and most importantly keep a smile plastered on your face when appropriate. Oh and brag a little, not too much though you don't want to seem pretentious. Emotions are easy enough to fake if you pretend to be the excitable type. When really on the inside you just want to cry out.

Judging by your posts you're not an attention seeker, attention seekers give themselves one or two tiny little scratches and show everyone they know. It's quite sickening really.

[Fiction]

I don't want to be seen as attention seeking. Your right emotions are easy to hide but sometimes i jsut don't bother. When i'm liek this though i don't want people to be with me i want them to go away. I'm quite open about the fact that i can never sleep and that i sometimes don't eat but not about my self harm :/ I told some people when i overdosed but i had a lot of alcohol inside me so that may be why :/

[munchausen]

I know how you feel, but in school or work there's really no getting away from people. It can be a little overpowering at times. to be honest sometimes even I'm not sure how I got through the day without hitting someone squarely in the jaw or shouting at folk to leave me alone.

[Fiction]

I punched a wall today at school. Luckily i managed not to draw attention to myself. I slipped awya to be by myself for a while and nobody noticed :)

[screamtobeheard]

I have those days too, and they make me feel kind of like I don't have any right to be upset. Because when you've cried all your tears you feel like you should be over it and when you're not, you just feel worse and you can't help but harm yourself.

[Fiction]

You obviously know the feeling i have too well. I don't have the right to be upset. It confuses me more and makes me want to hurt myself more.

[munchausen]

Do you ever feel completely numb to everything around you, like you're going through the day as usual but it's not really you that's moving and the only way to really snap yourself out of it is to feel pain?

[Fiction]

Thats nexactly what i feel sometimes. Like i'm not really there :S

[munchausen]

Does it scare you sometimes because you don't really know what you're doing

[Fiction]

Yeah its like you say something and its automatic. You didn't know you said it till afterwards and it scares you because you sound so crazy. You don't waht else you could do or say when your like this.

[munchausen]

and it doesn't matter what you could do or say because it's like someone else is speaking and acting for you and not always for the better?

[Fiction]

Yupp exactly. Theres someone there but its not you. Your hiding deep in your imagination where you don't have to talk to anyone.

[munchausen]

My imagination's not the best place to be though.

[Fiction]

Well neither is mine. I can be doing anything in there. Imagining how i'm next going to hurt myself. Or remembering things i don't want to be. Or trying to work things out but getting so confused and angry at myself i just want to destroy myself. . like this whole thread is about.

[munchausen]

I spend most of my waking time thinking about the next cut, how I'm going to do it and where. I've never wanted to destroy myself but I'm doing it anyway day by day.

[EimmaTheDinosaur]

Well, Cutting is a rush.It is a pain that feels good.Great,even. If you really do want help though, your ready to let go, you'll have to tell yourself that until you belive it.

[Fiction]

I spend most of my waking time thinking about the next cut, how I'm going to do it and where. I've never wanted to destroy myself but I'm doing it anyway day by day.

I spend most of my time thinking it too.

[Fiction]

Well, Cutting is a rush.It is a pain that feels good.Great,even. If you really do want help though, your ready to let go, you'll have to tell yourself that until you belive it.

I want to let it go. I can't get help i'm too scared and even if i did i don't know if i want it enough :/

[EimmaTheDinosaur]

Same Here. It's kind of hard to deal with

[iceyfresh]

kitty... getting help is scarry.... but i got help from my parents... i had to keep asking because they woulnd't listen at first.. i swear i asked them over 10 times... can i see a pshycologist... i self harm... they would see cuts, and just scream about it... but i got help eventaulyl. you know you can always talk to me... but gettign help isn't bqad. it can be good. the cycle can end. you can be happy. you just need a little help seeing hope :)

I agree kitty she's smart that's good advice and there's so many people here who wana help you and will pm you about it. I'm here to help if you wana talk prvately feel free to pm me and I've gone throuh it all to so No Worrys it'll get better

[Fiction]

I know there are so many people who will try to help me and i'm really greatful to all of of you :) Thankyou.

[xBrokenAngelx]

Your not alone, and getting help is hard i know. But there are people, always willing to listen & try to help!! xx