Holding On*
January 28th, 2010, 11:40 AM
That's right, I finally told my Dad about self harm! I am so proud of myself for doing it! Me and Dad always have had a really good relationship since I was little, and its only improved! Which is partly why I struggled telling him before
So instead of telling him face to face as that would be WAY too much, I wrote him a letter on Word. I emailed it to him! Simples. It was so tough to click send and I cried as soon as I done it, but sort of out of rejoice. :)
He emailed me back, and I had told him in it that I can not discuss the reasons why etc, and can not talk about it all, but just want him to know, and could he reply to say he got the email. He replied and it was so nice. I wanted to cry from his love!!
I guess I am wanting to show you all, that sometimes it is scary to do it, but it can work out good. The only way to get better is to be honest, and that is what I am trying to do now. I am even going to tell Debbie and Ana too now. Debbie is my counsellor btw. I am really openning up now.
Here is what I wrote in my letter if you want to know, as it could help you form your own version:
Dear Dad,
I feel the need to explain some stuff to you. I have tried to tell you before but it has been too hard to tell you face to face, so I decided to write it down for you.
In July, you saw my phone. You saw texts talking about some things going on and I ended up going to the GP then to the clinic in town. If you can remember, some of the texts mentioned me feeling down a lot, being upset, confused and depressed. There was also some mention of self harm. I am not sure what you thought about that back then, or even now. There was talk about suicide, and what you understood to be me wanting to ‘go on a diet’. Well I want to tell you the truth now. I know it is a bit late, and I know we spent three hours in mum’s room trying to get me to talk, but I figured now is better than never.
All of it, I did. Self harm, Suicidal thoughts, Thoughts about eating disorder type things. I know it is upsetting to hear it, but I can’t hide it any more. I want you to know the truth, because it feels like I am lying and hiding it from you. And I love you too much to do that, to hurt you anymore.
The Dr and Debbie know about it. I told them right from the start. So I have been getting help. The SH, is not as bad as it seems. It started in April. It wasn’t long after you and Mum finding out that I stopped. It was never bad, and it wasn’t that often either. I want to tell you why I did it, but I can’t. That bit is too hard to tell you. Not that I don’t want you to know, but to actually admit it. I know you care about me and love me, and that is why I can’t tell you. I don’t want you getting upset over me etc. Please don’t be angry about it or upset or feel guilty or anything like that...
Once you have read this, I would really prefer it if we didn’t talk too much on it as it is a really soft subject, if at all. It has taken me weeks to write this, and before this I have had several attempts at writing/speaking to you or mum about it all.
All the stuff... It is like an obsession, an addiction. It is hard to stop, but with Debbie’s help etc, I know it won’t go on too much longer. She is already having an effect on me. Don’t feel as if I am treating you as if you are stupid but I would like you to take a look at these, to get an insight in to it all...
http://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/DamagingYourself/Pages/SelfHarm.aspx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPxj86oOifg
http://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/DamagingYourself/Pages/Suicide.aspx
I hope you can understand some of the feelings I have been going through, and also why I found it hard to tell you, and why I cannot give you any more insight into my thoughts etc. However, for ease of mind, know I do talk to Debbie a lot about what upsets me, and so I can get help and get through this. I just wanted you to know about it all, so I am not lying to you anymore, and also for a bit of support, which I know may be hard as I can’t tell you what upsets me, but well. I am not sure really want I want from this to be honest. But either way it is better you know...
I love you, always have and always will. I never want to hurt you if I can help it, and this is why I am telling you it all.
Love always, Steph. X
P.S just remember if you were to talk to me about it I wouldn’t be able to talk back at all, just like back in July. I will probably sit there and stare and say nothing... Just so you know, so there is no point trying, but remember I do talk to Debbie about it all so it is not bottled up etc
And his reply was this:
Hi
Have read your letter and I do understand. Not read the attachments(links) yet as at work.
I am always there for you and will wait for you to be able to talk things through. I wish you could have before now or even now, but understand that it must be hard.
Sorry could not text you back last night but have absolutely no money to put credit on phone, spent it all on calling police and insurance companies. (He got broken into)
Anyway love you more than words can say.
Dad
So please, if your parents do not know, think about telling them! I have no told Mum about it (they are divorced) but me and her don't really get on much at all, so eh. I don't think I ever will tell her myself tbh not sure. :P but if I was to, I would prob send a similar thing. :)
Telling a parent or other family member can really help! Even if they dont know the reasons like me, they can be there for support. When I am down (dad knew i had depreession already), I will just ask him for a hug, and it can help a lot. Such a small thing but it really makes a difference.
It doesn't need be family member either, a friend, a teacher, or just someone you know that can help support you! I urge you to try at least. It took me WEEKS to write that version, let alone all my other attempts. So even just write a draft up and save it until you feel you can send it on!
I wish you all the best of luck x
So instead of telling him face to face as that would be WAY too much, I wrote him a letter on Word. I emailed it to him! Simples. It was so tough to click send and I cried as soon as I done it, but sort of out of rejoice. :)
He emailed me back, and I had told him in it that I can not discuss the reasons why etc, and can not talk about it all, but just want him to know, and could he reply to say he got the email. He replied and it was so nice. I wanted to cry from his love!!
I guess I am wanting to show you all, that sometimes it is scary to do it, but it can work out good. The only way to get better is to be honest, and that is what I am trying to do now. I am even going to tell Debbie and Ana too now. Debbie is my counsellor btw. I am really openning up now.
Here is what I wrote in my letter if you want to know, as it could help you form your own version:
Dear Dad,
I feel the need to explain some stuff to you. I have tried to tell you before but it has been too hard to tell you face to face, so I decided to write it down for you.
In July, you saw my phone. You saw texts talking about some things going on and I ended up going to the GP then to the clinic in town. If you can remember, some of the texts mentioned me feeling down a lot, being upset, confused and depressed. There was also some mention of self harm. I am not sure what you thought about that back then, or even now. There was talk about suicide, and what you understood to be me wanting to ‘go on a diet’. Well I want to tell you the truth now. I know it is a bit late, and I know we spent three hours in mum’s room trying to get me to talk, but I figured now is better than never.
All of it, I did. Self harm, Suicidal thoughts, Thoughts about eating disorder type things. I know it is upsetting to hear it, but I can’t hide it any more. I want you to know the truth, because it feels like I am lying and hiding it from you. And I love you too much to do that, to hurt you anymore.
The Dr and Debbie know about it. I told them right from the start. So I have been getting help. The SH, is not as bad as it seems. It started in April. It wasn’t long after you and Mum finding out that I stopped. It was never bad, and it wasn’t that often either. I want to tell you why I did it, but I can’t. That bit is too hard to tell you. Not that I don’t want you to know, but to actually admit it. I know you care about me and love me, and that is why I can’t tell you. I don’t want you getting upset over me etc. Please don’t be angry about it or upset or feel guilty or anything like that...
Once you have read this, I would really prefer it if we didn’t talk too much on it as it is a really soft subject, if at all. It has taken me weeks to write this, and before this I have had several attempts at writing/speaking to you or mum about it all.
All the stuff... It is like an obsession, an addiction. It is hard to stop, but with Debbie’s help etc, I know it won’t go on too much longer. She is already having an effect on me. Don’t feel as if I am treating you as if you are stupid but I would like you to take a look at these, to get an insight in to it all...
http://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/DamagingYourself/Pages/SelfHarm.aspx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPxj86oOifg
http://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/DamagingYourself/Pages/Suicide.aspx
I hope you can understand some of the feelings I have been going through, and also why I found it hard to tell you, and why I cannot give you any more insight into my thoughts etc. However, for ease of mind, know I do talk to Debbie a lot about what upsets me, and so I can get help and get through this. I just wanted you to know about it all, so I am not lying to you anymore, and also for a bit of support, which I know may be hard as I can’t tell you what upsets me, but well. I am not sure really want I want from this to be honest. But either way it is better you know...
I love you, always have and always will. I never want to hurt you if I can help it, and this is why I am telling you it all.
Love always, Steph. X
P.S just remember if you were to talk to me about it I wouldn’t be able to talk back at all, just like back in July. I will probably sit there and stare and say nothing... Just so you know, so there is no point trying, but remember I do talk to Debbie about it all so it is not bottled up etc
And his reply was this:
Hi
Have read your letter and I do understand. Not read the attachments(links) yet as at work.
I am always there for you and will wait for you to be able to talk things through. I wish you could have before now or even now, but understand that it must be hard.
Sorry could not text you back last night but have absolutely no money to put credit on phone, spent it all on calling police and insurance companies. (He got broken into)
Anyway love you more than words can say.
Dad
So please, if your parents do not know, think about telling them! I have no told Mum about it (they are divorced) but me and her don't really get on much at all, so eh. I don't think I ever will tell her myself tbh not sure. :P but if I was to, I would prob send a similar thing. :)
Telling a parent or other family member can really help! Even if they dont know the reasons like me, they can be there for support. When I am down (dad knew i had depreession already), I will just ask him for a hug, and it can help a lot. Such a small thing but it really makes a difference.
It doesn't need be family member either, a friend, a teacher, or just someone you know that can help support you! I urge you to try at least. It took me WEEKS to write that version, let alone all my other attempts. So even just write a draft up and save it until you feel you can send it on!
I wish you all the best of luck x