Memories

[Obscene Eyedeas]

Ok so while i try and write my proper book another idea is coming to me and i think i will write this one on vt.

Prologue
I awoke to the sound of bird song, the soft tweeting making my heart race. The sun’s rays on the bottom of my bed sent happiness running through me as I saw what I had only dreamed of until now. He was back, Sam; the sun glittered on his golden skin as he lay across the bottom of my bed. He looked at me so intensely that I could barely breathe. His sapphire eyes as clear and piercing as they had always been before the night he left me. He smiled at me and spoke with a melodic voice, that of an archangels, shattering the peace and happiness I felt. “Wake up sweetheart, you have to forgive yourself.”
I wake in a panic, breathing rapid, sweat slick on my face, dread grasping with its cold tendrils around my heart. The memories rush back of that night. Paramedics lean over me and I moan I’ve obviously feinted again and the memories bombard me. I fight against them, I don’t want to remember. His cold face, his ragged breathing, his panic and the fading of his piercing sapphire blue eyes bombard me, the pain and the sorrow causing me to gag. “Sam! Sam no please you can’t die on me! You can’t leave me!”
I hear a voice, now, whispering, yet somehow, deafening “Sally, sally! Wake up SALLY!” I gasp as the water hits my face. “Sally will you get up! We are already late for the club and you fall asleep! Oh and you should probably do your make-up again. Sorry” She sneers at me once before she turns around and stalks away, hips swaying to the rhythm of the pulse of my heart. My head is spinning; my mind is out of control, what is happening to me? One word circles around my mind, a name, his name, Sam. I try to rise from the couch and run from the room but my legs are like lead, I fall to my knees gasping, struggling to breathe. I grasp for the window sill to support myself and look outside, a world of darkness awaits me there.
Then Sarah comes back and picks me up,” I know your looking forward to seeing Sam today Sally but you staring out the window isn’t going to make him arrive any faster is it.” Shaking her head she tosses me my make up bag. As I reach to catch it she smiles and says “Sorry darling that I’m so snappy I’m just so excited about tonight.” She smiles and walks out of the room her heels clicking a cacophony of notes that echo throughout my mind, stirring a memory long forgotten. I don’t understand, this can’t be real! I held him in my arms as he died. I watched the life leave his body, cold and broken.
All I can remember of the night from this memory, the night since everything changed was that of Sam standing above me but he was dead, the cruel laugh of a maniac spouted from his lips as they turned into a cruel sneer and the sweet melodic voice like that of an archangel “Would you like to play a game?”
Where am I!?

[Jean Poutine]

Just a prologue is very hard to criticise. I cannot guess how much your plot is worth or how much effort you put in character development, for example. I'll still give it a whirl, but I'll concentrate on esthetics. If you want deeper criticism on the actual mechanics then you can PM me with your other stuff and we'll figure something out.

I awoke to the sound (melody) of birds singing, the soft tweeting making my heart race. The sun’s rays on the bottom of my bed sent happiness running through me as I saw what I had only dreamed of until now. Sam was back. The sun glittered on his REMOVED skin as he lays across the bottom of my bed. He looked at me so intensely that I could barely breathe, his sapphire eyes as clear and piercing as they had always been before the night he left me. He smiled at me and spoke melodically/softly/adverbly, as I figure do archangels, shattering the peace and happiness I felt. “Wake up sweetheart, you have to forgive yourself.”
I wake in a panic, breathing rapidly, cold sweat on my face, dread grasping with its frigid tendrils around my heart. The memories of that fateful night suddenly rush back. Paramedics lean over me and I moan I’ve obviously feinted again and the memories bombard me. I fight against them, I don’t want to remember. His cold face, his ragged breathing, his panic and the fading of his REMOVED eyes bombard me, the pain and the sorrow causing me to gag. “Sam! Sam, no please! You can’t die on me! You can’t leave me!”
I hear a voice, a deafening whisper : “Sally, sally! Wake up, SALLY!” I gasp as the water hits my face. “Sally, will you get up! We are already late for the club and you fall asleep! Oh, and you should probably do your make-up again. Sorry”, she sneers at me once before she turns around and stalks (use another verb) away, hips swaying to the rhythm of my heartbeat. My head is spinning, my mind is out of control, what is happening to me? One word circles around my mind, a name, his name : Sam. I try to rise from the couch and run from the room, but my legs are like lead, I fall to my knees gasping, struggling to breathe. I grasp for the window sill to support myself and look outside, a world of darkness awaiting me there.
Then Sarah comes back and picks me up. ”I know you're looking forward to seeing Sam today, Sally, but you staring out the window isn’t going to make him arrive any faster, is it?” Shaking her head, she tosses me my make up bag. As I reach to catch it she smiles and says “Sorry darling for being so snappy. I’m just so excited about tonight.” She smiles and walks out of the room, her heels clicking a cacophony (does not make sense) of notes that echo throughout my mind, stirring a memory long forgotten. I don’t understand, this can’t be real! I held him in my arms as he died. I watched the life leave his body, cold and broken.
All I can remember of the night from this memory, the night since everything changed was that of Sam standing above me, but he was dead, the cruel laugh of a maniac spouted from his lips as they turned into a cruel sneer and his familiar voice uttered/said/whatever “Would you like to play a game?”
Where am I!?

My corrections are in bold. They include both esthetic changes to make your text less clunky, and the spelling mistakes and punctuation errors my French ass could catch. I've added clarifications in ().

Do you read Twilight by any chance? I am asking because you seem to have adopted Meyer's writing style. With all due respect, you should not.

I am thinking this because :

-you repeat your adjectives often. If you say his eyes are blue like a sapphire's, then I don't need a reminder every 10 lines. It is very redundant. It might not seem like much, but the redundancy adds up and becomes unbearable.
-your wording is extremely verbose. You often take more words than necessary to describe your character. For example, "now, whispering, yet somehow, deafening" is ridiculously long. I've cut like three words fixing that alone, and turned it into a more expressive oxymoron to boot.
-you have some incorrect word usage. Unless she is actively but discreetely following someone, Sally's friend can't "stalk away". I understand you are trying to diversify your word usage, but this is simply incorrect.

Maybe coincidentally, they are all visible and obvious flaws in Meyer's writing. Commercial success does not define a good writer, and it is especially true in the case of Meyer. If you won't listen to me, then listen to Stephen King, he says the same thing. In any case, the 3 things above should absolutely be fixed.

Now, for comments that concern only you :

-your grasp of punctuation seems a little tenuous. You miss a lot of commas, in particular. I've also seen some semi-commas thrown around - don't. Stick to periods and commas. Although they have other uses, I would use semi-colons only to split a two-part declaration (ie French "d'une part ; d'autre part), which are rarely found in fiction writing. This will make your text more readable.
-use more precise words. The sound of bird song? What, sneezing, pissing, flying? As John Cage proved, anything really can be a part of a song, and it does not need to be particularly melodious. Which is why I replaced the word "sound" with "melody". Do not use bigger words - just more precise.
-unless you intend your writing to be dry as a chronicle, I would fit in more abstract devices.

[Obscene Eyedeas]

I wrote that in 7 minutes and tbh its shabby by my standards and not how i write at all. i am more of a fantasy writer.