A Twinkle

[Quick_Sylver]

A twinkle once there
A twinkle now gone

Left me for the hills
Left me alone

A twinkle of mischief
To tell a tale

Of a child's play
With those close

A twinkle of emotion
Has left this boat

Fear me now as I never did
I am less than emotion

My mask is back
As strong as ever

No one shall remove it
For here is this warrior

A warrior that is now me
I am my mask

Try and take me I say
I shall not bend to your will

I shall fight a winning battle
Without emotions

For with emotions you are weak
I am not weak

Pick away. It means something to me and it means nothing to me.

[nick]

I love it !

[Jean Poutine]

I took the liberty to re-organise your work in a way that makes more sense to me. I'm just going to scrape the surface because I'm currently on break in college and I gotta head out to German class in a few minutes.


A twinkle once there
A twinkle now gone
Left me for the hills
Left me alone

A twinkle of mischief
To tell a tale
Of a child's play
With those close (?)

A twinkle of emotion
Has left this boat
Fear me now as I never did
I am less than emotion

My mask is back
As strong as ever
No one shall remove it
For here is this warrior
A warrior that is now me
I am my mask

Try and take me I say
I shall not bend to your will
I shall fight a winning battle
Without emotions
For with emotions you are weak
I am not weak

First of all, 'bout the formatting. Poets are mostly at liberty towards their formatting, but there are still rules that apply. The way your formatted you poem is like

if I wrote paragraphs like this without

any real reason to do so.

In poetry, ideas must be organised, just like an essay. It is not so much the format that differs, it is really the means to express yourself. In your poem, you're cutting your ideas in half. Just like cutting a paragraph in the middle of an argument makes no sense, this also does not make too much sense. The only exception I would personally tolerate is if you wrote like Apollinaire, drawing forms with your formatting. However, this is not the case.

I bolded what was clunky. You repeat yourself often. I will say this often : repetition is a way to put emphasis or something, but it is neither very pleasing nor the only one. As you grow in skill you will realise that there are literary devices that can do the same job for less space, allowing you to write more and diversifying your poem as a result, as well as making it more elegant. Some repetition is convenient - for example I did not include the word "twinkle" in my criticism. But when linking whole concepts, I feel it's much better to allude to them and allow the reader to make the link.

As well, I spotted a continuity error. You have already said that you are "less than emotion", then proceed to decry yourself as a being "without emotions". This is not the same, and the repetition is unneeded. For this part, you should let the reader make the link, and perhaps subtly allude to it using symbols, for example. Lose whichever instance you like less (I would personally lose "Without emotions") and find another way to link the concept.

"Winning battle" is clumsy and does not sound too good to me. With the line you have lost, I would refer to victory and lose the word "winning".

In your last stanza, I would use a synonym (I have underlined the instance where I think it would fit the most). You repeat "emotion" over and over. That's like if I wrote "Mary has a cat. Mary goes to lunch. Mary brings her cat." Again, either use a synonym or allude to the concept. The synonym is easier - alluding takes a little more subtlety.

Tips to keep in mind next time you write :
-try to use more imagery and literary devices
-do not repeat yourself as much
-use better formatting

[Quick_Sylver]

I took the liberty to re-organise your work in a way that makes more sense to me. I'm just going to scrape the surface because I'm currently on break in college and I gotta head out to German class in a few minutes.



First of all, 'bout the formatting. Poets are mostly at liberty towards their formatting, but there are still rules that apply. The way your formatted you poem is like

if I wrote paragraphs like this without

any real reason to do so.

In poetry, ideas must be organised, just like an essay. It is not so much the format that differs, it is really the means to express yourself. In your poem, you're cutting your ideas in half. Just like cutting a paragraph in the middle of an argument makes no sense, this also does not make too much sense. The only exception I would personally tolerate is if you wrote like Apollinaire, drawing forms with your formatting. However, this is not the case.

I bolded what was clunky. You repeat yourself often. I will say this often : repetition is a way to put emphasis or something, but it is neither very pleasing nor the only one. As you grow in skill you will realise that there are literary devices that can do the same job for less space, allowing you to write more and diversifying your poem as a result, as well as making it more elegant. Some repetition is convenient - for example I did not include the word "twinkle" in my criticism. But when linking whole concepts, I feel it's much better to allude to them and allow the reader to make the link.

As well, I spotted a continuity error. You have already said that you are "less than emotion", then proceed to decry yourself as a being "without emotions". This is not the same, and the repetition is unneeded. For this part, you should let the reader make the link, and perhaps subtly allude to it using symbols, for example. Lose whichever instance you like less (I would personally lose "Without emotions") and find another way to link the concept.

"Winning battle" is clumsy and does not sound too good to me. With the line you have lost, I would refer to victory and lose the word "winning".

In your last stanza, I would use a synonym (I have underlined the instance where I think it would fit the most). You repeat "emotion" over and over. That's like if I wrote "Mary has a cat. Mary goes to lunch. Mary brings her cat." Again, either use a synonym or allude to the concept. The synonym is easier - alluding takes a little more subtlety.

Tips to keep in mind next time you write :
-try to use more imagery and literary devices
-do not repeat yourself as much
-use better formatting

Thank you. I'll go through and fiddle around with it. I'll post another version for you to pick apart.

Also, Thank you Nick.

[woody92]

Its A good poem!! You need to be more POSITIVE becky ++++++++++:D:D:D:D

[Jean Poutine]

Thank you. I'll go through and fiddle around with it. I'll post another version for you to pick apart.

Also, Thank you Nick.

No sweat.

Feel free to PM me if you'd feel more comfortable in that manner.

[ibanezjoey1007]

The first incarnation looked like what I call (well, coined from a favorite musician) a word tree. Just lines that can grow into a song/poem Good on Claude for offering his help, and good on you for being open to it. I like both incarnations. :)