fuck you.

[haibekah]

you know, you'd look better
if you were put through a shredder
skin peeled back
showing your true color
blood gathered in puddles
with knives scraping your skin
revealing where you've really been
i hope she was worth it
think about it
when you're lying face down
in a pile of your own shit

[ChaoticHarmony]

damn. thats...uh....morbid....

[haibekah]

i try.
when i'm really pissed, which i am right now, i seem to come up with gruesome thoughts.

[deadpie]

"skin peeled back
showing your true color"
I like that. Your writings are sharp and to the point.

[haibekah]

thanks!

[Jean Poutine]

Where's the flow?
How do you link your ideas?
What is the point?

Protip for next time : poetry isn't about jotting down your thoughts in seemingly random ways.

First the flow. I am inherently biased towards freeverse poetry because I think it requires very little skill. Restricting yourself to a format (a sonnet, for example), a timer (dodecasyllable verse) and rhymes limits your options and forces you to be more creative with your imagery and find ways to bring content that you can't fit in. Even then, your poem was very staccato and it wasn't a pleasurable read. I know you can come back with "that's what I intended" due to the...R rated content, I suppose, but I won't buy it.

Think about onomatopoeia, for example. If you're going to make the poor dude go through a blender, for the length you're mentioning it, why not go with alliteration resembling the sound of a motor vrilling? That's just a basic idea but it could help you make things right. Think about how you want the reader to feel uncomfortable by reading your piece. Then figure out ways to achieve the effect. You want to make images appear in the mind of your reader, you don't want to piss him off by being skippy.

Pay attention to literary devices. There's a full arsenal of them : there's not just general imagery, analogies, and comparisons. There are multiple ones that could make your reader feel strange just because of their presence. Oxymorons are one of them. In more logical terms (they are not strictly literary devices), you could also use paradoxes and dichotomies. The important is the make them blend in, subtly. With your poem, yeah I know you're pissed off, but that's all I know. Why not point me to why, subtly, by means other than rather vapid and random accusations about another girl? Why not imply her?

To write something good you have to establish context as with anything. Questions that are asked in essays are askable in poetry : who? what? why? when? where? how? If someone did an essay on your poem, would they be able to answer these questions with more than two or three words?

Finally, the point. I touched this earlier, but all I really know is that you're pissed and wish to bleed out some chump because apparently he slept with someone and yeah, that's it. There just isn't much content. What is beautiful with poetry is that you can allude to so much within a limited space. If you want to write a short piece then rely on implying your point rather than stating it outright. You could allude to the girl. Why? How? When? What does she look like? How is she as a person? Etc, etc.

You get my point?

[haibekah]

yeah, thanks for the constructive criticism!