My Pain, My Blood

[kenoloor]

-edit-

[Jean Poutine]

Not too shabby actually, as far as free verse goes, but I do have a few recommendations.

The knife is sitting next to me
My wrists, so clean and empty
Sweet pain, sweet blood
Staining my skin

Find a way to hide the scars
Or wear them proudly
As evidence of my weakness
An illustration of my loss

Overpowering my brain
Taking over my body
Someday, somehow
You'll truly understand


Poetry is not that different from an essay. I have bolded what I think has no place in the stanzas. Ideally, you should only develop one specific idea within a stanza. In a few of them there, you have taken a completely different idea and smashed it where it had no purpose.

I would have written two new stanzas :

-to develop on the moment of cutting (1st bold)
-to develop on the lack of understanding of others (2nd bold)

The advantages are manifold. First, you have more space to develop these ideas. You went for four verse stanzas and your format allowed you to spend only two lines on these ideas. By writing a new one for each, you can expand on your idea and adequately link it with the rest of your peom without losing on the continuation. Then, you now also have more space to develop the original ideas in your stanzas without feeling constrained.

I also have put in italics what is basically a repeat. There are much better ways to emphasize something. You waste a line there saying basically the same thing, when you could have expanded on the idea.

Finally, I think your poem could be due for a little equalisation. In free verse, flow is paramount. My esthetic conception of "flow" refers to a consistent amount of time spent on reading each verse. In your poem, some are much shorter than others, without reason. It is acceptable to shorten a section of a poem to make a point, although there, it just seemed like you ran out of words. I would suggest expanding on your verses that lack length, or make clear what you want to point out by the irregularity.