Another Poem from Me to You

[kolte]

a bottle full of wishes settled in the hands of the criminal
slight disdain is formed in the croaking strangers drooping, freakish like eyes
a rabid, almost fetish induced trance befalls, its quite cynical
the right hands grip tightens to the side of a tattered vinyl jacket
and a quick flick of the wrist unveils a small but menacing pistol
"stop there" comes the voice of a citizen on patrol, gun raised high
a swollen, solitary eye eases into view of the cops hand
"die" and bam, the stage is set for a criminal investigation
the warrior flees into the night, off course faggishly uptight
two weeks after a funeral, revenge, cold blood, gun fight, its over
sadly, quite often, this mess happens, but there is a moral of course
.don't get drunk.

[Jazbo]

Interesting... you need to show the reader more though and not 'tell' as much. It would of been better if it were more metaphorical I think.

Also, grammatical errors: "Senicle", were you trying to write 'Cynical'? And "disdane" is 'Disdain'.

Anyway, keep up the good work, Kolte!

If there is one thing I learned, is never stop writing, never stop thinking.

[kolte]

thinks for the corrections, I usually don't make those kind of mistakes, but I don't have a spell cheaker anymore *sobs*

but as for the type of poem, this is one of 10 in a story like *anti beer* set.
There not ment to be metaphorical.
there ment to be pretty stright forward.

but yeah, I have to agreee, I like metaphroical poems and stories better.
and thats usually my fancy in poems.

[Jazbo]

thinks for the corrections, I usually don't make those kind of mistakes, but I don't have a spell cheaker anymore *sobs*

but as for the type of poem, this is one of 10 in a story like *anti beer* set.
There not ment to be metaphorical.
there ment to be pretty stright forward.

but yeah, I have to agreee, I like metaphroical poems and stories better.
and thats usually my fancy in poems.


And 'Ment' is 'Meant'. :)