I don't know anymore, really.

[OiElloKatty]

It seems like everything's falling down around me again. It always happens in December/January. The only thing different is how long I last.

School is fine, I have all A's and a B+, but I feel like I'm snowballing and falling behind even though I'm not and I know that. It just feels like it.

My friends are all...never there for me, to be quite honest. They're really not friends at all. Not one of my friends got me a birthday present in Nov. or a holiday present last month. Only one, maybe two, wished me a happy birthday within a month after it occurred. I'll be talking to them, they'll nod and go "yeah" every few moments. That alone should be a sign for me to shut up and ditch them. But no, I wait until they turn around and talk to the person next to them while I'm still talking to them. That hurts, you know..

My parents and I, the second, third, and fourth of this month, went down to South Carolina because my next-door neighbor was back in the hospital (he was on vacay). His girlfriend was there, and two of his guy friends. My mom, his girlfriend, and I were all there on Monday morning when he died. I had to stay outside of the door the whole time because it was like I could feel him still there, and I just can't see a recently deceased person unless at a viewing when it's formal and such.
Normally, death wouldn't affect me this way. But it did, and now I'm even more lost than I was. I hurt so much from this, and I can't even understand why.

My urges to harm myself have been back since mid-Novemberish about. I tried the rubber band technique, but that itself turned into real self-harm, and a slight addiction. I still have the dang thing around my wrist, but I try my hardest not to use it at all.
I've been wanting to cut since about mid-December. I've been able to control it so far. Like going out with my mom when she goes out so I'm not alone.
But tomorrow night.. from about 5-11:30, I'm going to be alone. The whole time. Scared out of my mind not only from being alone, but fear of myself.

I just feel like I'm falling again, which I am. Metaphorically, of course. I'm cracking, and I constantly have breakdowns. I constantly yell at the people I care about, or ignore them.

I really, really do not understand what's going on. I never do when my winter problem hits. My therapist is helping me out the best she can, but it's not doing much right now.
I don't know what to do about it now. I need, like, a support system who knows how I feel, and can deal with my problems - like when I get angry or ignore them. I try so hard not to, but that's just extremely difficult to do when I'm in this state.

I don't know.. To be truthful, I really do not know what I'm asking of you guys. I mean, this is only my second post, and I feel like I'm overstepping my boundaries or something.
But I can't control that. If I need help, I try to find it one way or another.

Thanks if you help, and even if you just read this. ♥.

[Aspiringanonymous]

I'm not sure what to say, but I just wanted to let you know that I did read all of your words.

All experiences, to some extent, can be experimented with. Rather than reinforcing already-established fear and dislike of the undesirable, one can instead take on different, less passive approach. Everything is an opportunity, for growth, insight, and learning - thought not necessarily in a conventional manner - most are unable to recognize this when uncomfortable feelings flood their consciousness. How does this all manifest in a practical sense? I cannot say, for the journey of self-awareness is one that each must undertake individually.

Just be aware that, negativity feeds into itself. But at the same time, 'negative' and 'positive' are not absolutes.

Do whatever it is you need to do to get through these strange times; only you know the path and strategy that is most appropriate for you. Try to see beyond the immediacy of the chaotic present - everything will pass, as you know, and that is something to hold on to if anything.

Certainly, do not feel uncertain about making posts here. This is what the community is all about, after all. And welcome.

May you find peace of mind soon.

[OiElloKatty]

Thank you so much. That really has me thinking now. I used to go about doing things with something of that sort in mind, but for some reason and somehow, it just slipped away.

And yes, you're definitely right about how everything will pass. That IS one thing I do to get myself through things at tough times usually.

Okay, I'll try not to be so hesitant. Whenever I join a new community, I tend to shy away a lot until I'm able to open up about my own self, and not just give advice. I think this was a big step for me since I just joined yesterday, and seeing how I never really talk about myself like that too often.

Again, thank you. It's nice to just know someone read and sometimes replied, 'specially when they have such a good response.

[overcome.]

First of all, you're not overstepping your boundaries at all even though you haven't been here long at all. I can tell you'll be a good part of our community, you clearly have a lot to contribute, where as a lot of new people don't really.

I'm aware of S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder), meaning often you'll suffer from bouts of depression throughout the winter months, where everything is literally colder and darker. Some people tend to socialise less in the winter months too unless it's within your home or going out when it's not too cold. Some people, not everybody. All of these little things may add up, and if you don't quite have the support from friends that you need then things could become worse.

I like your avatar picture too, believe indeed. Believe that one day things will be different, because they will :) - Things won't always be this way. It's like weathering the storm until the summer comes along (metaphorically speaking) where everything is brighter. Sometimes that winter goes on forever, but it's throughout those days that you need friends and people supporting you the most. If you ever want to talk, PM me, it'd be nice to chat.