i have a fear,i think it might happen again

[maddii-may]

i was anorexic in 2008 and i slowly started putting on wieght i did it as i didnt like my body and i felt i was fat but i feel like that again and i am eating less and less and i dont no what too do i dont want to get really bad again but i cant help i look at my self in the mirror and i dont like what i see and i look in magazine and around and i see skinny people who look amazing and i want to be like that but i have a fear that im going to do it again its like people inside my head are telling me too do it and i dont no what too do ?

[BeautifulDisaster]

You can stop yourself before it gets bad again, you need to fight back, I know how it feels but you can't give in.

Weight, numbers, food... these things don't define who you are or how much you're worth, or any sort of real control. The eating disorder is getting control back, you're losing it. Don't let the eating disorder win.

You say you feel fat - fat isn't a feeling, so what are you feeling instead? Angry... disappointed... remorse... fear... loss of control... grief? What is happening in your life that you are slowly heading for a relapse?

I don't think you want to relapse, so fight back, easier said than done, but it's possible & you have done it before, & this time around, it's just starting to get bad - you can change that.

I doubt you want to end up with health problems, possibly permanent ones, or severe depression caused by the eating disorder, or death.

Yeah, you'll get thin but you won't be able to see it... you'll still see yourself as fat, and you still won't like your body, you'll still see flaws, you'll still think "it's not good enough" & your goal will change, & it will never stop changing, because it's never going to be thin enough, good enough... ever.

Don't give in to the eating disorder, it isn't worth your health, happiness, & quite possibly your life.

I'd also suggest seeing a counselor about this, I suspect there are underlying issues causing you to feel this way. You need to find out what they are so you can help them.

Good luck.

[maddii-may]

its hard to explain whats happening to me. it all satrted shortly after my grandad dies but then its like voices where telling me what to do i also talk to me self and things that arent there

[BeautifulDisaster]

It sounds like some symptoms of possible psychosis or schizophrenia, you will need to see a doctor to get an assessment if you are willing.

[maddii-may]

yepp i am i just dont want to

[BeautifulDisaster]

You're willing but you don't want to?

Don't you want to get better, to be okay in life, & to be content with your life?
Don't you want help?

[maddii-may]

i do but i do like my body its so fat

[BeautifulDisaster]

I think you meant you don't like your body.

& If it is so fat, then the doctor will tell you that & you can HEALTHILY lose weight, but this way, is extremely dangerous & life threatening.

It's your choice if you get help or not.

I sincerely hope you choose the right choice.

[maddii-may]

i dont no if you understand a lot off people dont

[BeautifulDisaster]

Well, help me understand.

I have been through a lot of complex, complicated, distressing & messed up stuff that not very many I've met can comprehend, try me.

[maddii-may]

i have been thriugh alot and thats what started it

[Mr. Smithers]

Hey if "voices" are telling you to do things, thats not a good sign. I know that you don't think that anyone understands your problem, but we do. Even though you don't want to, talk to a counselor or a doctor like Aimee said. Don't feel like nobody understands you, we are always here to help you. :)

[maddii-may]

thanks xx

[BeautifulDisaster]

Could you elaborate on what you've experienced?

[maddii-may]

well basically i lost my best mate in a train crash when i was nine the after that the past 18ths i lost both my grandads my auntie my uncle and my grandma and i got really stressed

[BeautifulDisaster]

Ah, I can relate to how that feels.
I've lost a lot of people in my life too.
It's very painful, & the pain never goes away, but as time goes on, you make a place in your heart for them, & you try to get on with your life.
I think that's what they would have wanted.
They wouldn't want you to do this to yourself.

[maddii-may]

i no this is going to sound really stupid but i cant really control it if that makes sense

[mitchboii7]

man. if i went what you were going through, it hurt mentally.
i hope you can do it..

[maddii-may]

thank you lets just say i am getting a bit better :) thank you

[BeautifulDisaster]

You can control it, but that's why seeking help is a good idea so they can support you with controlling it.

Your choice in the end.

Good luck.

[maddii-may]

hmm well i sppoke to some one and they said i can go to see some person

[BeautifulDisaster]

That's good, I hope they help.

[Holding On*]

Talk to someone maybe at your school or somewhere about it.
I was EDNOS back in 2007-2008, winter season, and mine has come back again now, and so far I have lost a stone in weight (14lbs), in less then 8 weeks. I know its not quite ana level, but before I was maintaining weight.
I am stuck in it now too, so I guess what I am trying to say is, you need to let someone know so they can support you. I am planning on telling my therapist soon, when I feel confident to do so, so that she can help me...

Feel free to message me if you wish x

[BeautifulDisaster]

I hope you realize at that rate of weight loss, a lot of it will be water weight(leading to increased risk of dehydration, & kidney failure due to that), some may be muscle(and this includes your heart muscle, it may decrease your hearts function ability and you could seriously harm yourself), and your brain can also shrink.
& if you start eating again, you're likely to gain fat, and hold more fat, as your body will be in shock and scared and think when will I get this food again? So it stores it.
Also due to slowed metabolism as ED's cause that as well.
This damage can be permanent and life threatening.
So many consequences, and this is just the beginning... is it really worth it?

I'd get help sooner than later.

Don't let the ED win anymore fights, stand up, fight back, win the battle.