I'm scared...

[DrkZ90]

I just finished watching for like the sixth time in my life the episode Wannabe from Without a Trace... it helps me realize and remember how scared I am, that I will one day end up doing something stupid and hurting/killing myself...

Also, last couple of days haven't been helping... is just a bunch of stuff, and it worries me a lot more, cause I don't remember ever being this bad... the mix of the sadness this time of the year brings, the realization how much time I spent trying to fix things up last year and they all ended up worse, flashbacks from a time where, even though I was just lying to myself, I felt happy with the fake reality, and a bunch of stuff I'm having a hard time to put into words while holding my tears back...

As of last, I haven't been able to find something to do with myself... I can't bring myself to do and enjoy the stuff I used to, or finish my own ambitious projects... I try to, but it just reminds me how lonely I am, worsening that cold emptiness feeling inside of me, I hate that feeling, I hate feeling that cold darkness growing more and more each day inside of me and filling me inside...

And "friends", that's getting worse... my used-to-be-so-called "best friend" (to be honest, that was all in my head, I doubt he ever considered me a friend at all), he has pretty much cut all ways for me to talk to him... last time we ever talked, he didn't give me his new phone and mobile number because he said he didn't know them, but would call me once he got to his how to give them to me... he never did, nor he did it when I asked him over MSN... he has pretty much gotten me completely out of his life, we saw each other on April 4th last year I think, that he accepted my invite for him to come over and play videogames, when he was leaving was the first time I asked for his phone, it was the night before my dog died, and the last time I took it for a walk, with him when he was leaving... couple of months later he blocked me on MSN and stopped replying to facebook messages and all that stuff, and I don't even know why...

I really want to finish this post with something, but I really don't know how to, nor I can bring myself to finish posting everything that's going on... this is the 8th day I've been awake past 2 am, and I'm quite tired of the little sleeping I've been getting and from crying until falling asleep... my eyes hurt all day because of that... it's 2:23 am and I should go now...to give it an end, I guess it is a big rant of sorts, if u read all the way through this, thanks for caring enough to endure that., and advise if any is appreciated, not that I will get that many replies if any at all, just like to people in real life, I seem to be a burden even here...

[Aspiringanonymous]

it helps me realize and remember how scared I am, that I will one day end up doing something stupid and hurting/killing myself...Fear is a very powerful, debilitating emotion. I'm sure you recognize this already. How does one break free of the vicious cycle that the experience of prolonged and intense fear presents?

Validation fuels existence. The more attention one pays to a subject of dislike, and with every mental reinforcement of its negative impact on one's state of being, the more powerful it can only become. A large part of this influence is, of course, the presence of a subconscious desire to keep feeding into whatever the negativity is. The first and most difficult step towards breaking free of an influence is self-awareness. From there on, it is largely a process of trial and error - with the complexity of the human psyche and all, there is no single solution that fits all - each one must be prepared to forge their own unique version of the path. It sounds difficult. But it is a worthwhile, character-building experience.

the realization how much time I spent trying to fix things up last year and they all ended up worse, flashbacks from a time where, even though I was just lying to myself, I felt happy with the fake reality, and a bunch of stuff I'm having a hard time to put into words while holding my tears back...As I say, it is trial and error. Every mistake, every failed approach ensures that we do not waste any more time repeating the same errors. Each experience one successfully endures is thus proven to be a worthy one, as learning and insight has been generated, and these I believe are ultimately more significant than the simple experience of 'happiness' anyway.

I haven't been able to find something to do with myself... I can't bring myself to do and enjoy the stuff I used to, or finish my own ambitious projects... I try to, but it just reminds me how lonely I am,There is no need to pressure yourself. It is pointless to engage in activities that were intended to be pursued out of inspiration, when one feels anything but inspired. It rarely does help matters. Rather, it may be beneficial to expose oneself to some new ideas, ones that perhaps have not been considered before. Uncover a fresh new source of inspiration; it may well be all that you need to find a way out of the darkness.

And "friends", that's getting worse... my used-to-be-so-called "best friend" (to be honest, that was all in my head, I doubt he ever considered me a friend at all), he has pretty much cut all ways for me to talk to him...Other people, and other things, will always come and go. That's just the way it is; the dynamics of everything are constantly undergoing change. Pondering excessively and lingering in mental shades of the past gets us nowhere. What has happened, has happened; how and why is irrelevant, the important thing is how to deal with it now in the most effective manner.

You are among friends here. Feel free to share anything that is on your mind, or even just start a casual conversation with someone for the sake of easing a bit of that loneliness. It may not be much, but it is perhaps a starting point.

But most of all, learn to be patient with yourself. You are still learning - we all are - and this struggle is but another challenge in the learning process.

All the best to you.