munchausen
January 4th, 2010, 11:06 PM
Do you ever make yourself sick to the core? I do. So do plenty of others.
Looking back it was the single stupidest way to start cutting, it wasn't even on purpose for Christ's sake. Just one simple, shallow cut across the wrist with a glass shard that I thought would do nothing. I'd convinced myself it was blunt but I knew it wasn't. After I'd done it my hands started shaking I know now it was the adrenaline but how much do you expect an 11 year old to know about this kind of stuff. It made me feel horrible I hated myself for it I thought I'd never do it again, that I would never be that guy.
But even then part of me liked it, I knew it I just didn't want to admit it to myself, horrible as it made me feel it was equally as therapeutic so every few months I'd cave. Then every few weeks, days and finally to the point I'm at now. Barely being able to go a day without cutting, carrying something with me 24/7 because as much as I hate myself for it I still know part of me wants to cave. To give in.
I convince myself no-one else will ever see my scars, I constantly lie to friends and relatives to cover my own tracks and worst of all I'm getting more confident with it. Cutting deeper each time letting just that little more flow out. I spend my time looking forward to the next cut and when I'm done I just end up disgusted with myself.
If you're considering this just don't it'll wreck your life and take over everything. You'll think that it's just you and no-one else will get caught up in it because you'll be discreet but believe me when I say at some point even that goes out the window. This will cost you in more ways than you can imagine.
Looking back it was the single stupidest way to start cutting, it wasn't even on purpose for Christ's sake. Just one simple, shallow cut across the wrist with a glass shard that I thought would do nothing. I'd convinced myself it was blunt but I knew it wasn't. After I'd done it my hands started shaking I know now it was the adrenaline but how much do you expect an 11 year old to know about this kind of stuff. It made me feel horrible I hated myself for it I thought I'd never do it again, that I would never be that guy.
But even then part of me liked it, I knew it I just didn't want to admit it to myself, horrible as it made me feel it was equally as therapeutic so every few months I'd cave. Then every few weeks, days and finally to the point I'm at now. Barely being able to go a day without cutting, carrying something with me 24/7 because as much as I hate myself for it I still know part of me wants to cave. To give in.
I convince myself no-one else will ever see my scars, I constantly lie to friends and relatives to cover my own tracks and worst of all I'm getting more confident with it. Cutting deeper each time letting just that little more flow out. I spend my time looking forward to the next cut and when I'm done I just end up disgusted with myself.
If you're considering this just don't it'll wreck your life and take over everything. You'll think that it's just you and no-one else will get caught up in it because you'll be discreet but believe me when I say at some point even that goes out the window. This will cost you in more ways than you can imagine.