i need to get this off my chest

[Kitty_Boy]

sorry to bother you guys with my problems but i need to get this off my chest...
okay, my mam committed suicide when i was a couple of days old and when i was 3 my dad told me she had tried to attempt an abortion when i was still in the womb. he told me how he got sexually frustrated after she died. and thats basically when it all started. he made me touch him ect from the age of three and first raped me when i was seven.
when i was nine i got sick of all the pain and i tried to kill myself, i failed and the abuse only got worse until i was 11 and i broke down in the middle of this weird talk at school about abuse and i ended up screaming and crying at the school shrink and getting sent to a foster home.
i've been self harming since i was 9, and i still cant break the habit no matter how hard i try, i take meds for bipolar and depression and sometimes i just feel like giving up...why do i feel like this if its over now? im confused because ive realised im gay and i keep thinking does that mean it wasn't rape if im gay? did i enjoy it without realising?

[Sapphire]

I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that *hugs if ok*
You feel like this because, even though it is over, you are still hurting. That is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

Your body would have reacted to the stimulation - that's arousal. But arousal is very different from enjoyment. Arousal is a physiological reaction while enjoyment is an emotion.

I know that it is very difficult, but try to accept that you were in no way, shape or form responsible for what he did. Your sexuality now does not constitute as consent for what he did all those years ago. You were a small child and had no way of knowing that it was wrong. I hope that you can start to accept that you were not responsible for what happened.

I'm here if you want to talk some more - just pm me.
Be gentle with yourself

[MMVM_Kaputt]

Your not bothering anyone, dear. We are here to listen (well...read?)
I'm sorry to hear about your ordeals, I can only imagine how you must have felt...
About the self harm, have you tried holding ice cubes? This worked for me anyway, and quite a few people I've spoken too have said it works as well :)
You feel bad still, probably because you cannot forget it...and as Sapphire said, you are still hurting. (Btw Saph..I gave you rep :) You made some excellent points )
Although you are gay, what your father did was still rape...gay men can be raped by men, if you did not say "yes" it is rape, and the fact you were a child...well it was rape anyway.
I wish you the best of luck in the present and future and if you have any more questions, or if you just need somebody to talk to/rant at ect, feel free to PM me.

[godnose]

We sadly are constituted by the past. It is so hard to let go of these things.

What you went through is absolutely awful.

Self harm is a very sad thing to see. You mustn't blame yourself for what happened. Of course you mustn't, to be betrayed by a parent is so cruel. Your body is a resiliant and beautiful thing. It can bounce back. Try to cherish it, guard it, eat well, get exercise, look after your appearance. Make not self harming part of your ritual to achieve a healthy body.

[Kitty_Boy]

Thankies guys, it means alot to me that you read what happened. I'm going to try harder to quit self harming as part of my new years resolution. I still feel bad about it, but not as much and I'm starting to realize that what happened was not my fault :)
I'm also going to see a psychiatrist next week, I'm nervous but I think I can cope better now.

[DarkWingedAngel]

No it is not a bother to us at all this is a help site and we are glad to talk and help people out and comfort them.
What happened is awful but it was NOT your fault, I know exactly how you feel.
If you even want to talk, even if it's not on this subject feel free to add me on msn or hit me up with a PM on here, Im willing to listen if you just want to rant to.

[foof1]

Even if you are gay it is still rape. And it looks a lot like you didn't enjoy it. Just because your gay and someone(in this case your father) rapes you doesn't mean you will like it. You have to consent and you didn't.

[Alex17]

Hey bud. U really aren't bothering anybody at all. I'm glad that u were able to get this off of ur chest. No one should ever have to go through what u went through. Hey also, I forgot the girls name but she's right. Just cause u got a boner while that was happening to you doesn't mean that you enjoyed it without realizing it. If it helps you any I am going to get this off of my chest while I am responding to you. When I was 12 I was molested by my 11 year old cousin and he told my 12 year old cousin about it and then they both would molest me. I never enjoyed it but unfortunately I was aroused by it and that told my little 12 year old mind that I liked it. If you ever want someone to talk to, just message me, k. (XXXXXXXX) big hugs.