XxHaViiK
January 1st, 2010, 04:29 AM
It's been Two and a Half Years since I put anything to my wrists. Things have just been going downhill for me lately. Nothing seems to get better, no matter how much I try to make it better. I've lost my girlfriend, my family, and myself in the last 6 months... I need to vent, and this will be long... So bear with me...
First, I got with this girl. Her name was Trish. She was my first GOOD relationship. Everything seemed to work out with us. Never disagreed on anything, never fought, and always were around each other. Quite a while into the relationship... We were alone at my house. And... We were bored, so we just started kissing. Things escalated, and that night both of out virginity's were out of the window. A few weeks later, she disappears. I check my facebook, and find a message saying she was forced to go to San Bernardino, California. 2 days later, she calls me saying how sorry she is, and had no idea about the California trip. She'd never lie to me, ever, so I knew she still loved me, and didn't want me just for the sex. But she also said she was there to stay... About a month later, I receive word that she was dating in California, so I was just crushed...
Second... My Step Dad and his 4 kids move into our house. My mom completely quits paying attention to me. She disregards my feelings completely. Then, we find this "makeshift dildo" covered in personal lube. She told my Step Dad... And he immediately points the finger at me. He has no idea who I am... Because we've only been around each other twice in the past, yet I JUST HAVE TO BE THE ONE THAT'S PUTTING STUFF IN MY ASS. It wasn't me, because I HATE anal stimulation in every way, shape, and form. Now, consider the fact that I'm bi (no one knows, yet) and this happened on the same day I'd planned on telling my mom... So I couldn't tell her, because I knew she'd think it was me. And this completely eliminated the possibility of me ever coming out, because I'd be blamed. They're all very stereotypical towards gays/bi. So I knew the fact that they would never really know me...
Third... My mom continues to ignore me, and disregard my feelings. My step brothers were always eating all of the food before I could even see what we had, so I'd go to bed hungry a lot. I told my mom about this, and she did nothing about it. Just told me we had food, when we didn't. Neglect.
Fourth... One step brother (12) and step sister (9) thinks it's funny to stand outside of my door and scream at the top of their lungs at 7:00 AM.... On vacation days. So I wasn't getting to sleep in at all. I kindly asked them multiple times to stop, and they wouldn't. So I got pissed, just like any person would, and yelled, "SHUT THE FUCK UP". Of course, my step dad treats his kids like little angels, and I'm the child from hell. He chews me out for a half hour, and says that I'm just totally out of control. Keep in mind that he lets his kids do shrooms, and sneak girls in the house to screw them. Yes, even the 12 year old boy. Not the little girl, though. So, I decide to leave that day. I call my grandma to come and pick me up. This happens two days before Christmas. The same day, he takes my Christmas present and gives it to HIS kids. So I got no Christmas presents from my own parents, because I was fed up with everything.
Fifth. I moved out of the house. I had to call the police and get a civil standby so I could get my stuff out of the house. My mom still disregards my feelings, and feeds into her husbands lies. Everyone believes her husband, and won't believe me at all. I feel deserted. I feel alone. And I feel lost. I'm not bad enough to try suicide again, but this is the first time in my life that I've seriously CRAVED a razor or something shard to cut with. Two and a Half Years ago, I was being abused physically and emotionally by my father, and I cut like crazy then. I even tried to kill myself. But my mom divorced him, and I got pretty happy again. I fought my rough past in my mind, and got away from it. Things just got better. Now they're bad again.
I need methods of distracting myself from cutting, because I REALLY don't want to start again... Ideas? Thoughts on what's been going on?
First, I got with this girl. Her name was Trish. She was my first GOOD relationship. Everything seemed to work out with us. Never disagreed on anything, never fought, and always were around each other. Quite a while into the relationship... We were alone at my house. And... We were bored, so we just started kissing. Things escalated, and that night both of out virginity's were out of the window. A few weeks later, she disappears. I check my facebook, and find a message saying she was forced to go to San Bernardino, California. 2 days later, she calls me saying how sorry she is, and had no idea about the California trip. She'd never lie to me, ever, so I knew she still loved me, and didn't want me just for the sex. But she also said she was there to stay... About a month later, I receive word that she was dating in California, so I was just crushed...
Second... My Step Dad and his 4 kids move into our house. My mom completely quits paying attention to me. She disregards my feelings completely. Then, we find this "makeshift dildo" covered in personal lube. She told my Step Dad... And he immediately points the finger at me. He has no idea who I am... Because we've only been around each other twice in the past, yet I JUST HAVE TO BE THE ONE THAT'S PUTTING STUFF IN MY ASS. It wasn't me, because I HATE anal stimulation in every way, shape, and form. Now, consider the fact that I'm bi (no one knows, yet) and this happened on the same day I'd planned on telling my mom... So I couldn't tell her, because I knew she'd think it was me. And this completely eliminated the possibility of me ever coming out, because I'd be blamed. They're all very stereotypical towards gays/bi. So I knew the fact that they would never really know me...
Third... My mom continues to ignore me, and disregard my feelings. My step brothers were always eating all of the food before I could even see what we had, so I'd go to bed hungry a lot. I told my mom about this, and she did nothing about it. Just told me we had food, when we didn't. Neglect.
Fourth... One step brother (12) and step sister (9) thinks it's funny to stand outside of my door and scream at the top of their lungs at 7:00 AM.... On vacation days. So I wasn't getting to sleep in at all. I kindly asked them multiple times to stop, and they wouldn't. So I got pissed, just like any person would, and yelled, "SHUT THE FUCK UP". Of course, my step dad treats his kids like little angels, and I'm the child from hell. He chews me out for a half hour, and says that I'm just totally out of control. Keep in mind that he lets his kids do shrooms, and sneak girls in the house to screw them. Yes, even the 12 year old boy. Not the little girl, though. So, I decide to leave that day. I call my grandma to come and pick me up. This happens two days before Christmas. The same day, he takes my Christmas present and gives it to HIS kids. So I got no Christmas presents from my own parents, because I was fed up with everything.
Fifth. I moved out of the house. I had to call the police and get a civil standby so I could get my stuff out of the house. My mom still disregards my feelings, and feeds into her husbands lies. Everyone believes her husband, and won't believe me at all. I feel deserted. I feel alone. And I feel lost. I'm not bad enough to try suicide again, but this is the first time in my life that I've seriously CRAVED a razor or something shard to cut with. Two and a Half Years ago, I was being abused physically and emotionally by my father, and I cut like crazy then. I even tried to kill myself. But my mom divorced him, and I got pretty happy again. I fought my rough past in my mind, and got away from it. Things just got better. Now they're bad again.
I need methods of distracting myself from cutting, because I REALLY don't want to start again... Ideas? Thoughts on what's been going on?