My story. :(

[caitiemac]

I am new here and thought I would just tell you what happened to me. Sorry it's really long...

One day this past year, I was at the gas station and this guy asked me for help with something. He seemed so nice, so of course I said okay and went to help him. He then grabbed me and took me to some back room. I tried to scream, but I could not. My brain was not working with my body. In my head I was screaming, but nothing was coming out of my mouth.

He had me in the back room. He grabbed my hands and threw me up against the wall. He held my hands there and stuck his tongue in my mouth and proceeded to kiss me very hard. I just stayed there and did not do anything back. He told me that if I did not like it then he would really hurt me. Since it really hurt already, I did not want to find out what he could do to me if he wanted to. So, I started to kiss him back. It was absolutely horrible!

He then grabbed me and pulled me down to the floor. He got on top of me and kissed me some more. He started to pull my shirt off and kiss down my body. He then took off his pants and pulled out his penis and told me to grab it. I told him I did not want to and he slapped me hard across the face. So I grabbed it. I know I should not have, but it hurt. He said "You like that don't you?" I did not answer so he slapped me again and then asked the question a second time. I had no choice but to say yes.

He then took my pants off. I did not move at all. I could not. I did not want him to hurt me anymore, so I let him completely take advantage of me. He stuck his penis inside of me and proceeded to have sex with me. Before this, I was a virgin, so I did not know what sex was like, but this hurt so so bad. HE was so rough. I screamed from instinct. He grabbed my head and sternly said, "Bitch, I told you not to scream!" He then banged my head on the floor and said, "Now, you're going to be sorry." At the time, I did not think it was possible, but it was. He go even more rough. He thrusted his hips even harder and faster. His breathing sped up and became even heavier. He made a strange noise like a hurt animal. I thought that meant he was done, but he was not. He wanted me to "finish" too. He said, "I know you like it, bitch. Finish up like the whore you are." I faked an orgasm and he said, "You liked it, didn't you?" I was too scared to say anything, so I shook my head yes.

He seemed so pleased with himself. All I wanted to do was slap that smug smirk off his face, but I was too scared to move. Apparently he wanted foreplay after sex though. I felt kind of numb after everything I had been though. My shirt was already off, so he grabbed my breasts and groped, squeezed, and rubbed them. I did not move. I could not. After he finally finished with that, he started kissing me again. I stopped fighting everything. I just stopped. Taking my virginity was not enough for him, he had to torture and mess with me after it. I think he finally had enough and he stopped the kissing. I must not have been good enough for him anymore. He got up, put his pants back on, and then put his shirt back on. He started to walk out of the room and turned towards me and said, "I had fun, and I know you did too." He then winked at me. I wanted to throw mu and cry, but I could not do anything.

He left me bleeding and hurt. It hurt so bad, so so very bad. I was so confused and dazed. I had no idea what to do, so i found the energy to find my clothes and put them back on. I walked out of the door and no one was out in the store part of the gas station so I just left. As I was walking outside, I saw my reflection in the refrigerator. I did not even recognize myself. My shirt was ripped, my pants all blooded up, and my breasts had bruises all over them. I started crying and walked outside. I got in my car and left.

I did not know what to do next. I was so very confused. I could not even process what had happened. I felt like a bad nightmare that I had just woken up from. Every time I looked in the mirror I felt horrible, disgusting, dirty, slutty, guilty, scared, bad, confused, stupid, terrible, nasty, and so many other feeling that I don not even know how to describe.

Again, I am sorry it is soooo long and that you read all of my story, but thank you!

[emilee123]

O my god tell some one get help. Did he get you pregent? I am always up to talk o my god I have herd bad things before but nothing like this

[BlackBetty]

Wow! You need to get some counseling! I would goto the police and explain to them what happened.

[caitiemac]

Two good things are that he did not get me pregnant and that he did not give me any STDs despite not using a condom.

Even though it has been over nine months, I still dream about it almost every night. It's hard to deal with. It is scary. He is scary.

[emilee123]

plez go get help tell some one u need to by you not telling anyone could mean that he is going to keep on doing it over and over again to some other person. I don’t think you want him doing it to an other person on what he did to you

[caitiemac]

I don't want that. It's just unthinkable, but I can't tell anyone. I just can't.

[Fruit_Tart.]

Thats soo sad... i jus have no words im so... i dont even know the word for it... but this story is so so sad. i feel so sorry for you. i want to give you a big bear hug and jus not let go. so so sad. :.(

[caitiemac]

Thanks guys. I guess it is sad. I have never thought of it like that before.

It's hard to explain, but in my head I know it wasn't my fault, but I don't feel like that. Does that make sense to yall? Like I still feel like it's my fault. I don't know, it's weird. I still have nightmares almost every night. It's usually the same idea. It's him over me taking advantage of me and me just laying there, doing nothing. Having nightmares about it makes it pretty difficult to forgive and forget.

I am always thinking about it. It effects every part of my life. I wish it had never happened to me and I wish I could move on, but I don't know how to.

Even though this happened more than nine months ago, I still have feelings that I had shortly after the incident.

I hate hate hate strangers.
I feel like nobody can help me.
I feel worthless.
I feel dirty.
I feel stupid.
I feel ashamed.
I feel as if I can smell him sometimes.
I feel bipolar.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
I feel scared.

I don't even know how to describe the other feelings I have.

And then I feel bad about feeling bad. I read the stories on here about what has happened to yall and others and it sounds so much worse and that makes me feel bad for feeling bad.

I don't know. I guess I am just confused. :help:

[Ballin2much]

I am so glad nothing bad happened as a result of this. Reporting this to the police, if you havent already, would not really acomplish anythings, as the evidence would be gone by now. Again I fel very bad for you, good luck.

[charlie w]

You need to tell someone and get help if you have not already. Nobody should have to go through this. I know you probably don't want get help and stuff but if it happened over 9 months ago and you still get nightmares then it is a good idea. Good luck.

[Teardrop Harmony]

i know that is a horrid thing to get your mind round something happened to me is was 12 and it was a family friend ddn't sleep i couldnt after it and i stopped eating and stuff like that but i told someone and godthough it was so amn hard i am so glad i have because he is now locked up behind bars and i know he can't hurt anyone else i know what you have gone through is so so hard and horrid but please think if he can do it you he could do it to anyone so please not just for your sake though i hope that is the main reason tell someone it doesn't matter how long ago it was it will be your word against his please do take care lovey :(

o and ballin2much i didn't report mine until i was 14 and it did acomplish somthing the person that did it to me can't to it to anyone else ever again

Posts merged. Please use the 'edit' function if you wish to add more to a post.

~ .Tuxedo Mask.

[TheKingDavis]

You really need to report it and see a counselor, they can help you

[TAC1]

First thing...POLICE..Secondly talk to someone about it. It doesnt have to me a professional counselor. Now take all the feelings you said that you had and write them on a piece of paper. Take that paper and burn it. Get rid of those feelings and thoughts- there are people out there to help you..but they dont know unless you say something.

[XxHaViiK]

Firstly, you need to tell the police about it. Second, you should find a good therapist. They can help you figure out why you feel the way you do, and help you feel better about yourself. And they can help you to deal with your feelings on all of this.

[caitiemac]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I really appreciate it and it means a lot to me! I might take all of yalls advice and tell someone, but I honestly doubt it. :/ Sorry. I have started to try something else. I got a blog so i could attempt to write everything out and hopefully it will help. I'm not sure if it has yet, but I'm hoping it does. Again thank you all! :)

[Techno Monster]

Thanks guys. I guess it is sad. I have never thought of it like that before.

It's hard to explain, but in my head I know it wasn't my fault, but I don't feel like that. Does that make sense to yall? Like I still feel like it's my fault. I don't know, it's weird. I still have nightmares almost every night. It's usually the same idea. It's him over me taking advantage of me and me just laying there, doing nothing. Having nightmares about it makes it pretty difficult to forgive and forget.

I am always thinking about it. It effects every part of my life. I wish it had never happened to me and I wish I could move on, but I don't know how to.

Even though this happened more than nine months ago, I still have feelings that I had shortly after the incident.

I hate hate hate strangers.
I feel like nobody can help me.
I feel worthless.
I feel dirty.
I feel stupid.
I feel ashamed.
I feel as if I can smell him sometimes.
I feel bipolar.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
I feel scared.

I don't even know how to describe the other feelings I have.

And then I feel bad about feeling bad. I read the stories on here about what has happened to yall and others and it sounds so much worse and that makes me feel bad for feeling bad.

I don't know. I guess I am just confused. :help:

Hun don't feel bad, I was molested when I was in seventh grade.
I've learned firsthand that getting help, telling someone you trust, and seeing someone will turn this situation around.
Please, do it for yourself, tell someone you trust. It's not to late to come forward. You can put this behind you if you do this.
Even though what happened to me was not the same thing that happened to you, I know what you're feeling, I promise if you get help you will be okay.
Good luck. :hug:

[pol852]

im so sry this happened to you. But no matter how bad YOU feel you must get help, goto the police,get a shrink, i meen that is rly bad and I couldn't comprehend that happening to me but trust me and all of us on VT, U ARE NOT THOSE THINGS HE and you said u were. So try to find help anywere

Best of wishes-pol852

[caitiemac]

Thank you all. I don't feel like I need help though. I think I'm making progress. Slowly but surely wins the race, right?

[Krazymitch]

I beg you to report this, slow and steady wins the race, but this is not about to go away, u will be effected by this for the rest of your life, TALK TO SOMEONE even if it is someone on here, my friend got raped, she still calls me crying and it was 1 and a half years ago. i know you might not think you need help, but i and everyone else would really like you to talk to someone or to report it.

[ktkurbst0mp]

I know you think you're okay.
But believe me, a really really good friend of mine was raped when she was younger.
And she repressed it.
But e v e r y t h i n g came back.
Believe me. I know it seems crazy and really hard to talk to someone about, but trust me on this; if you don't get help now, you will really really regret it later.
I'm begging you to please talk to someone.
A therapist or counselor, they're there to help people with exactly these sorts of things.
It wasn't your fault. But what would be your fault is letting yourself get worse, instead of better. When you deserve so much more than that. It was terrible, what happened. But please don't let it get worse by not seeking help.
please, please, please, please.

Please, talk to someone.
In the long run, it will make things a lot easier on you.

<3

[caitiemac]

I mean I do have a few people that I talk to. I talk and cry about it to my boyfriend about it all the time and he's amazing. He really comforts me, tries to understand, and he takes it slow. I also have another friend I talk to about it and he's amazing too. Other people know about it, but right after it happened, I started acting a lot different. I lost A LOT of my friends, even though they knew what was going on. I have gotten over that and just mark it up to high school and learning who your real friends are.

Anyways, I do talk about it some, but I also try to not make it my life. I try to distract myself and still have fun. :)

[ktkurbst0mp]

I don't expect you or think you should "make it your life".
And it's good that you're talking to people about it.
But just please, if it ever gets worse or you start having flashbacks, please get professionals to talk to.
They deal with this stuff a lot more than everyday people.
There's nothing wrong with you, or how you're feeling.
But people who deal with this sort of trauma, have long lasting problems.
And it's because of someone else who did something horrible. But nothing they did themselves.

I'm really very sorry.

[caitiemac]

I just don't know what to do.

[ram93]

hey its a new year.
i mean if you want to move on the first step has to strt wit you.
you need to forgive yourslf first and everything will be better.
and ther not reason why you should feel slutty.
you didnt want that to happen.
:)
good luck!

[godnose]

Ok, remain calm. You are not the person to whom this has happened. You didn't do anything wrong. I can only imagine how scared you must have been. It sounds absolutely terrifying.

The person that did this, is in the wrong. It can not be blamed on you. If you dress in certain types of clothes or are attractive, it does not mean it is your fault.

Please talk to an adult. A teacher, a school nurse/matron? Somebody will listen to you.

Of course tell the police or have them tell the police. You have done nothing wrong and you are still a person who is beautiful in their own right. Your body is a precious thing, but a very resiliant thing and it will recover from this.

Your virginity can not be taken, it can only ber given to who you chose.

I am so sorry there are some cruel people in this world. but stay strong, get help and don't keep this bottled up inside.

You are a very brave person.

[Asylum]

talk to a counsler

[caitiemac]

Thanks to all of you for caring about me. Your kind words mean so much to me! I'm out of school right now, but when we go back, I'm going to look into talking to one of our counselors.

I do have some questions about that though:

If I go to one, and tell her I was raped, will she have to go to the police? I don't want that. I'm going to college next year and I kinda wanna use that as a new start and I don't want to have to worry about all of that drama and stuff.

If I go to a counselor, will she have to go to my parents?

Okay, those are the only questions I have right now...I'll probably think of more later.

Again, thank yall for all of yalls encouraging responses!

[TomBaseball]

I'm sure I'm repeating others, but please go see a counselor - even a school counselor. You need to talk to someone about what happened. Of course you know it's not your fault, but you need to talk to someone sometimes to realize that.

A friend of mine was raped and she didn't tell anyone and got depressed and tried suicide. Don't let it get that far for you! Please tell a counselor, teacher, parents or some adult you trust. Please.

[Nostrum]

this is a personal thing to go through before you work up the courage to tell someone, remember, there are whole organisations for sexual abuse, you certainly arent alone, many people who work for these organisations, have had some occurrence with sexual abuse themselves and will fully understand what you're going through.
i read a book about a girl who was sexually abused by this guy who was her friends boyfriend. a year had passed and she hadn't told anyone about it, she just couldnt (though the sexual act did not include penetration). the girls boyfriend has another friend, who he tried taking advantage of, she reported his abuse, she also confronted the first girl about it that she has suspected he did the same to her. what did she do about it? she gave details at court and he was locked up.
so even though this happened a while ago, if you find that you have had time to confront this, and are ready to tell people, start small, like a friend, family member, talk to them about informing the police, when you're ready you should, describe what he looked like and any other questions they ask. in the mean time, seek out a counselor (whether at a sexual abuse centre or not), they can help you deal with the emotions you're going through.

in the end, when you inform authority about this, the sooner his smug face will be wiped away and you will feel better once he is behind bars.

[Nostrum]

If I go to one, and tell her I was raped, will she have to go to the police?

If I go to a counselor, will she have to go to my parents?


it is by law that a counselor is to keep all information received, private with their patient, unless granted permission by their patient. so no he/she doesn't have to contact your parents or the authority.

[Quick_Sylver]

Mkay. My brother sexually abused me when I was 6-7ish. I'm now 13 and I did not tell anyone until about a month ago. No one. I suppressed it. I hid it. No one knew. I thought I was in control of it. I wasn't and am not in control of it. I told my mom at the beginning of December and we agree I need to see a therapist. I suggest that seeing a school counselor is a good idea. I also suggest you tell the police. My mom and I are going to go to the police about my brother and they'll take it from there. Go to the police now and get yourself safe. I say safe because from what I got from your posts is that you feel violated and not guilty. He's the one who's ill and not you. Hang in there hun :hug:

[Kahn]

Ya know. People are sick. They just are. This is an example of what God brought to the table negatively.

I am truly sorry for your loss. And it must be hard being able to recall such an event with most accuracy. From the dialogue you presented and the detail you put into it you must have been terrified. I really am sorry.

There is not much you can do now. It would be hard to prove that you were truly raped by this man. Even more so, if you remember everything so clearly why don't you give the police his face? Just as a last effort.

Nothing much more I can say.

~Adam

[caitiemac]

I have thought about going to my school counselor before, but I just don't trust her. During my sophomore year, some of my friends told her that I was cutting. She called me in and just basically ambushed me and attacked me about it. I of course denied it and she called my parents. I don't get along with my parents much and it just made it worse. I feel as if she would have to tell the police or my parents about it and I don't want that. I don't know what to do. I think I am doing decently fine. I talk about it with my boyfriend and friends. That actually helps a lot and it's nice to have support from them. I have kinda gone back to cutting though...:/

Ohhh P.S. Check out my blog! breakingthesilence-caitlin.blogspot.com

[Asylum]

i'm so soryr this happened to you. you must report this. do you want this creep to hurt another person liek yourself? God rpeort it. please. and talk to a counsler they can help. you are not worthless, your not dirty, nor are you stupid. You were kind to help that man. And what dd he do?! he was such an asshole to you. This makes me angry, he cna't get away with this. good luck PM me if you need to talk

[caitiemac]

I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you angry. :(

[Snake217]

Hi Caitlin
MM ive seen that many people here tell you not to feel guilty, but the problem is that they dont tell you how, this is a serious case...

First of all, if you feel embarrased to tell someone face to face, then don´t worry about that, you have enough in your head like to be worried about telling or not, find yourself a counselor via internet, im sure there are many.

Secondly, try to get rid of everything that reminds you of what happened, It wont erase the thing of your head, but itll help, maybe get rid of the clothes you were weraing that day, and stuff like that.

Next, I dont know how and what are your spiritual beliefs, but find something to believe in, to hold to, that helps you, I recommend meditation, will help you to reorder your energies, and to analyse yourself better, and you will stop feeling guilty, sluty etc.

And finally, I know it might sound stupid, but repeat to yourself, many many times, everytime you can: "Im no guilty, im not guilty, im not guilty" "Im not sluty, im not sluty, im not sluty", and the same with everything you feel, that will modify your subconscient, and change the way you feel.

Hope you try something of this, and hope it helps!

[caitiemac]

Allen, thank you so much for your help. You are right, people keep telling me that, but nobody had said how. I am going to try and do all of that and forget! I know it will take a while, but hopefully not too long. I am tired of this effecting EVERYTHING!

[Snake217]

Just tought of something else that might help you, specially when you get a crisis of feeling bad.

When you are feeling bad about this in any way, i´d suggest to do something that will liberate your energy, its easy, put some music and sing, or play an instrument like drums, or if you dont have one, just grab some sticks and hit your bed, your pillow, as strong as you can.

Another one, although it will sound weird, but you wont lose anything by trying, go wash your hands, and shake them, by rising them and then quickly and strongly put them down, 10 times, not more.

[caitiemac]

Humm...those are all good things to do and I will def. try them all next time. Thanks!

[Snake217]

Np, I say those stuff because ive tried them when i feel bad, and they rly work for me, and trust me, ive been through lots of terrible things, (including a rape too), and all that doesnt bother me anymore.

Feel free to PM me anytime you want.

[iamniokekun]

wtf???
OH HELL NO!!!
I'm usually cool, calm and collected, but that dude just pissed me right the fuck off!!!!
Trust me, please!!! You are soooooo gonna regret not reporting it. Pleezz do it!!!! If you had any respect for yourself you would. Believe me, I know you're scared, but you hafta report it soon!!!!! I will take a flippin' plane and come to ur doorstep and beg on my hand and knees begging u to report. I know a school a crime - investigating school student and lots o high tech people.

You, me, the police, the freakin' FBI, freakin' SWAT, and all around the states we kids are gonna show these adults with no respect for us what we're all gonna make thiz happen no mattuh what...sounds crazy but it'll work!!! I'm no longer in the heat of the moment I'm dead serious. That guy iz gonna be sorry he ever messed with you. Anyone with???
now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna do some research.

[caitiemac]

Hahahaha. Thanks Andrew. That actually kinda made my day and made me laugh! Thank you for caring so much about my story. I really appreciate it. :)

[SmileyGirl]

I'm so sorry that that happened to you! I understand that you are scared to tell but atleast...a friend or one of those national hotlines something. If you don't tell, someone it will be harder to forget.

[Beautiful Obsession]

Youu really need to talk to someone, it wont be easy to go to the police but you really should, it will be hardd, nobody can go through that and expect it to be easy, but they will get you a councler, someone who has been through abuse of their own, please tell someone its the only way you can start to feel better about yourself, remember its not your fault you have nothing to feel ashamed of babee, here if you need to talk xx

[Jesusb]

What you need to do is go tell someone why would you let someone rape you and get away with it I know you were scare but in sure your pain was more oh and get some counseling

[iamniokekun]

this isn't the type of crap u post on forums, this is the junk u tell the police. :/

[Mysterious Skin]

Its such a horrible thing and i hope you have told someone and get some counsaling

[TakeMyHand]

If I was your boyfriend, I would have hunted the guy down and beat the snot out of him. Just saying.

Definitely talk to a councillor, this guy should be put behind bars... and castrated.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Please don't post in threads over a month old... :locked: