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[Aspiringanonymous]

This sounds absurd, I know.
But I hope that someone, somewhere, understands the nature of the mental state through which I speak.

I want to be depressed again. I want to feel every bit of the pain I used to know. I wish something horrible would happen to me, so I could justify, and satisfy, that desire. Since I don't seem able to reach that state of being on my own anymore.

Something familiar. Something to hold on to - to trust as real, whatever that actually means.

So tired of the endless, ubiquitous confusion and doubt; all from attempting - and failing, every single time - to find meaning in existence, a reason to stand up and be strong.

None of this probably makes any sense, anyway. My apologies.

Imprisoned forever in limbo, even hell refuses to open its gates.

[Blood]

I think I can relate to what your going thro. You feel like you need your depression to have somthimg to hold on to, somthing that you can trust not to change.

We all get kind of 'attached' to our own depression, and its much harder to let go and leave behind then most people think. But it must be done, so we can move on. Is this whats happening with you?

[Aspiringanonymous]

Move on, to what? What is so valuable about 'feeling good' anyway?

Every state of being is pointless and tiring. The mere act of existing is a tiresome job.

I don't know how else to say it.

[2D]

You need to find a purpose I think. I felt the exact same way you did, wishing something tragic would happen to me so I had a reason a feel. I'm not sure what I did but I just suddenly had no wish for something bad to happen to me. I just felt fine. I'm not sure if thi shelps but you can always talk to me.

[Asylum]

you deserve happness, your a great person. livig isn't poitess, everyone has purpose and a plan, i nderstand how you feel. let it go and be happy. be free from whatever u lik about ur depression. be happy. you can aways alk to me.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Be happy, why? One quote puts it well; Happiness is the perpetual possession of being well deceived.

Do you see what I mean? Feeling good as an experience is overrated. Despair is more solid than euphoria. To be melancholy, more justifiable, for in our existence there is much more cause for sorrow than its opposite. If I had an opportunity to experience a 'feel-good' experience, it could only be treated as such - entertainment, for that's all it seems good for. A distraction from the inherent meaninglessness of being.

I do not believe that everyone has a purpose and plan. The whole idea of significance seems absurd to me with the same degree of conviction that those who believe such theories possess. But I wish not to have a philosophical debate. Actually, I don't even know what I want. I never do.

I'm bored with existence, that's what. Boredom fuels fatigue, into a lovely vicious cycle. The lull of the holidays is partially to blame, but I've felt it vaguely for a long time now. The desire to be entertained by something. And, certainly, what could be more interesting than being suicidal and depressed? All I can say is, it is the only experience that I trust enough to want. Does that make sense? No, it doesn't.