slowly breaking can't let the feeling go yes i'm ranting

[Asylum]

i've cried myself to sleep like every night this week... i went 1 or 2 days without cutting idk.. i don't remeber... but i feel a strong urge to do it... i don't want more scars.... arghhh sorry i jsut need to vent.. why i'm slowly breaking.... i/m bullied at school... that brings back flashbacks of being bullied in middle school. my mother bitched me out... she cursed at me more then 15 times... why? because i didn't know what time she should pcik me up.. . and i was late for piano cuz i called my dad hey.... i'm next auditioning meaning its time to leave to get me.. .but he didn't because i never said come and get me... so because i had forgotten about piano my mother told me she owuld gladly scrap it into my skin... i then tell her to shut up.. because she is upsetting me.. and i get yelled at both parents for trying to defend myself then i got into a fight with my boyfriend. what was the fight about? helping my best friend who is a guy, he felt the urge to cut and i was on the phone with him until 4 in the morning... then i had to wake up at 5 and perform at a concert until 11... my boyfriend then bitched out my friend... and i got mad at him for getting into my buisness and screaming at him... especially whne he already feels bad... i'm feeling worse and worse everyday weeks before this my great grandmother died. i still odn't know if i'll ever get over that.. it was raining at her funeral the rabbi was angry he dishonored my cousin's grave by putting his jacket on it... he then picked up the shovel and took a lot of dirt, rock, and mud and threw it in... it made a loud thud agasint the coffin he did this 5 times... it sickened me.. i just read the note from her she gave me in a wooden box.. i was the only one who spoke for her at her funeral... the same week got into another fight with boyfriend and parents flipped out at me plus the bullying equlaed breakdown and cutting.. weeks before that paretns flipped out.. dad screamed at me for no reason... then mom got upset for unnecesary yelling then they of course went into my room to scream so more at each other... and talked about divorce which led to me cuttting and breaking down.. so far i've kept all these emotions with me... it seems like i can't let them go.. yes i have a psychitrist why not just talk to her? i dont' trust her... i odn't like telling her things because she tells my parents... every time my dad flips out... i flashback to all the other times he has.. he flips out once a month... he will more since he is moving up to president of the Emergency room... my mother makes sarcasitc comments to me everyday she enjoys making fun of me... the day after she cursed me out she told me she had taken my phone and weekend privledges away.. shocked i had a shocked look on my face... she started laughing at me and walked away. she enjys when i'm upset.. i can never defend myself in any argument... my parents expect me to just take it... they even said that... sorry for the rant... just urghhh on so many levels :(

[Krazymitch]

dont worry, my parents are the same. except when i cut they expect me to tell them whats bothering me and when i do thay grab my wrists/where ever i have cut and starts hitting it so its bleeds and hurts more, this donest make me cry or nuthing but it makes them turn into massive red scars which every1 can see...i feel for u :( its not easy with parents like this is it. good luck. PM me if u wanna talk or u just want a friend who understands

[Amyxoxo]

Ok so i have picked out a few bits.
Im really sure your mum isnt 'making fun of you' but mabie she dosnt understand. Tell her to stop. Tell her that it is hurting your feelings and you dont like it.
If you dont trust your counceler then ask for a new one. It can take many counclers untill you find the right one so keep going with it.
No offence but they seen very unpleasent your family. Unoe if you get a new counceler and tell her, amke sure she wont tell things at home can get better. Your parents wont be able to do this to you!
xx

[Asylum]

Geez Mitch that's awful. I'm so sorry :( PM me if you ever need to talk.
Amy- I've thought that at first... and came to the conclusion that, that would be a no... yes I do tell her quite often enough. She jsut won't stop.
I will ask for a new one.
You are definately not the first nor the last to say that... all my friends no my parents... they hate htem... Luckily I'm not biologically related to them :) and hey 3 more years and i'm out of this hell of a house :)
I was thinking about doing that... but then things could get really messy if I did that.. so idk.. I have 3 mroe years so. I guess I can just wait it out that long. I've lived 16 years like this.. why not 3 more?

[Charleigh]

i sometimes cry for no reason
it gives me a sense of security and reality, so does self harming

[Asylum]

very true crying does wokr as well