Lxhysterique
December 14th, 2009, 09:36 PM
So I've just joined this forum, and I figured this was a good a place as any to start...
My name is Adrienne. I'm 19 and I'm a freshmen in college in New York. And I have an eating disorder. I've struggled with the illness since middle school. I was formally diagnosed with purging type anorexia during senior year while on a stay in psychiatric hospital [or the looney bin, as I affectionately call it]. When I was discharged, a lovely little treatment plan [that I loathed] was drawn up for me. I saw a nutritionist for weight gain; a therapist and psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. I was medicated accordingly.
Essentially, all of the symptoms of my eating disorder were addressed and "treated." Yet, I've found myself regressing, ever so gradually, back into the behaviours. The stress of college life has compelled me, subconsciously, to return to old habits. Within the last three months, my eating patterns have been characterised as such: I eat one meal a day and purge it. These last two weeks have been especially hard and I haven't eaten since Friday.
I meet with a therapist on campus who is urging me to have a medical consultation in order to create a treatment plan. Although I know this illness threatens my well being, I absolutely cannot bring myself to enter into another treatment programme. My experience with treatment thus far [including the looney bin] has been dreadful; Eating Disorder Specialists can rarely seem to understand what it actually means to suffer with an eating disorder, day in and day out.
My eating disorder is the source of much mental and physical anguish, yet I don't believe I would be able to function without it. I suppose I mean to say that for me [and most, if not all, eating disorder sufferers] the aesthetic function of the eating disorder [to lose weight and "get skinny"] is secondary to the function it serves as coping mechanism. Food and denial of food is my comfort and my safety, as well as my personal hell.
I wonder, has anyone else experienced this sense of connection to and/or ambivalence over a detrimental coping mechanism?
My name is Adrienne. I'm 19 and I'm a freshmen in college in New York. And I have an eating disorder. I've struggled with the illness since middle school. I was formally diagnosed with purging type anorexia during senior year while on a stay in psychiatric hospital [or the looney bin, as I affectionately call it]. When I was discharged, a lovely little treatment plan [that I loathed] was drawn up for me. I saw a nutritionist for weight gain; a therapist and psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. I was medicated accordingly.
Essentially, all of the symptoms of my eating disorder were addressed and "treated." Yet, I've found myself regressing, ever so gradually, back into the behaviours. The stress of college life has compelled me, subconsciously, to return to old habits. Within the last three months, my eating patterns have been characterised as such: I eat one meal a day and purge it. These last two weeks have been especially hard and I haven't eaten since Friday.
I meet with a therapist on campus who is urging me to have a medical consultation in order to create a treatment plan. Although I know this illness threatens my well being, I absolutely cannot bring myself to enter into another treatment programme. My experience with treatment thus far [including the looney bin] has been dreadful; Eating Disorder Specialists can rarely seem to understand what it actually means to suffer with an eating disorder, day in and day out.
My eating disorder is the source of much mental and physical anguish, yet I don't believe I would be able to function without it. I suppose I mean to say that for me [and most, if not all, eating disorder sufferers] the aesthetic function of the eating disorder [to lose weight and "get skinny"] is secondary to the function it serves as coping mechanism. Food and denial of food is my comfort and my safety, as well as my personal hell.
I wonder, has anyone else experienced this sense of connection to and/or ambivalence over a detrimental coping mechanism?