This time of the year..

[Discomposure]

I haven't posted in a while, but I need to vent. Sorry if you find this boring or whatever.

In a way, I feel kinda selfish, all this support i'm getting from people for me to "get better" and back to my normal self, yet, I still manage to feel shit. I still manage to remember bad things that happened no matter how much I want to forget them. These memories just come back, all the time and fuck with my head and I hate it, yet can't seem to let them go.

Things were beginning to look up, and in a way, they still are. My counselling is actually helping I think. I look forward to going to see my psychologist each week, even if there are no new events to talk about. She makes me feel like people actually care, people are bothered about how i'm doing. She wanted me to see a psychiatrist to get me on anti-depressants, and I've been on them about 2 weeks now, and it feels like they help already, I know it's something like 6-8 weeks til they take full effect but I think it could just be the thought that I'm on them, like I maybe feel like they're helping... If that makes sense.

However, things keep happening and it's all building up again. Memories keep coming back to me too, ones I'd prefer to forget but don't think I ever will. This time of year, reminds me of everything. How my parents just fucked up the past 4 christmases and new years and I just have no joy at all for this holiday. I'm not even looking forward to it, all I can think of is things that happened.

I'd gone 4 days without cutting, which I thought was quite good. But everythings getting on top of me again. So I feel like I'm back to the start, last night I just sat and cut for ages. I loved it, and it gave me that control, that control I don't have over anything else. I just feel like it's going to be like this forever, feeling like things are getting better, then it all gets too much and I go back to the start...

I hope it's not.
Boring post I know, I just needed to vent, I'll speak to my psychologist tomorrow about it all. Sure I'll get over it :)

[Triceratops]

I'm glad to hear the psychologist is helping! It's even more heplful that you're looking forward to seeing her each week.

The relapses triggered by memories are common to experience right now. Flashbacks or certain reminders of a horrible time would put anyone in distress.

Just hold on until you speak to your psychologist later, she'll help you through this. Perhaps this Christmas may be a new start for you - even if your family aren't bringing much happiness, at least you'll feel a whole lot better than you used to be. Maybe this time your mind won't be tricking you into thinking that hurting yourself is being in control, if things do go wrong at home.

Hopefully, having faith in yourself to get back on track and having the strength to get through these tough events will give you the willpower not to give in to lethal temptations.

Best wishes. <3

[Discomposure]

Thanks, I had a nice chat with her today (my psychologist) and we did this work sheet too. I couldn't bring myself to talk about what was on my mind, don't know why...

But thanks, hope your well :) <3

[MadManWithaBox]

this time of year depresses me as well, can't remember a christmas since I was 10 when I had a christmas when I didn't get smacked around or i was just fucked up. its great the psychologist Is helping, I'm glad for you. Just keep your chin up, try to think positive, and get through the holiday. I'm here if you need to talk.

[1_21Guns]

Hm. I kinda feel the same way at the moment. I actually have nothing to look forward to this christmas because its going to be another bad year, and I know it. Memories haunt me over and over, no matter how much I think they've gone, they always come back when I least need them or want them. So I sorta get how you feel. Its really good that the physcatrist is helpingo. Feel , everything will get better in time. Feel free to PM me anytime if you ever want to talk.
And just because you cut again, doesn't nessisarily mean your back at square one. Yeah it'll feel like it, but it doesn't have to be, just take off from where you dropped it, knowing that its no good and you don't need it. Sure it felt good, it generally does, but that good feeling just isn't worth the scars, physical or mental.
Good luck in the future (:

[Asylum]

i kno what you are going through. try distracting yourself. yes i know it's hard to forget the past, but there is always someone, or something to distract you. I'm glad to hear the phscologist is working. good luck for the future and know you are not alone.

[Discomposure]

Thanks everyone, sure things will look up eventually.