Ascending Surgeon, Descending Body

[suture11]

I want to be a surgeon; I have wanted to be a surgeon since I have been 7. Throughout my life, I have been an avid medical book collector and aspiring practitioner. I read everything I possibly can about medicine and its many nooks and crannys. Like all, I have a 40 x 40 foot trench between me and that goal.

I have been a self-mutilator for ten years now off and on. I have done everything possible... not everything, don't jump me for that. I have broken multiple bones, burned myself in any way I could. I have cut to the muscle and bone. I have flagellated myself. I have burned my legs with bleach. I have jumped from tall surfaces to feel the crushing impact on my ankles. I have dropped rocks on my feet to break them. And frankly after this past incident, I am getting out of control.

I am not just a SMer I have paranoid/delusional schizophrenia with MPD, possible Bi-Polar, and moderate psychosis. A lot of my self-injury happens during my dissociative and episodes psychotic episodes. I am getting treatment for these, but as well as some know, SM is very hard to cure especially after doing it for a decade.

These past three evenings I have experienced crazed urges to mutilate. I cut my calf muscles to the muscle and let them bleed. Following this, I self-sutured them. I did this in a very sterile environment with correct tools... not enough suture though. I had to improvise. However, I am not proud of this in the least. I am really just getting this out.

I don't know about ya'll, but I don't know of many SMing surgeons, so I think it is time to back off of this. At least the aware side of it.

[Amyxoxo]

Ok. Well what every you want to do at the moment it is going to be hard one thing is very hard to deal with but multipul things is extreamly hard.
Self-mulitlation/ self harm will be difficult to stop because you have done it for so long.
You must not give up on your dreams just like that. So surgons havnt owned up to being a self harmer but many, many people do it so you cannot rule out the possobility.
Hopefully to urges will go down as the medication or whatever starts to 'kick in'
It dosnt matter what you do it with, how sterial it is the problem is doing it.
~take care

[suture11]

Thank you very much. I understand that actually doing it is the worst part, but I am really going to try and stop. I am going to try and put forth my urges into something better. I had stopped for a few months, but I started again. I felt pretty good during those months, but I was constantly waiting for when I would lapse.

[Amyxoxo]

You should find a way to distract yourself. Try flicking yourself with an elastic band or drawing on yourself with pen anything. Im sure others will make some good surgestions. :) xx

[suture11]

I have tried the rubber band, no luck in the past. I like drawing, so that may work. I really had a good bit of success with ice. Thanks again.

[cool person]

Hey I really hate to break this to you, but it is probably best that you know. People with paranoid/delusional schizophrenia and moderate psychosis cannot legally become doctors or surgeons. end of story.

[suture11]

That is them and this is me. Things happen and things change. And there is no end to my story unless I write it.