A new person here, and another dialogue.

[Surrealbeliefs]

Well, I randomly found this forum through some odd coupling of words entered in google this afternoon. It's against my nature to open up to friends, but maybe doing so to complete strangers wouldn't be harmful.

For a bit about myself, I'm in college currently pursuing an English major, masters, and eventually a P.H.D. I have an absolute passion for all forms of Literature, and it's an occupation I can devote my life to. There are dreams to travel this world, and to see all that it has to offer, for good or for worse.

While I hold no religion or spiritual belief in particular, I do enjoy studying various faiths, such as Wicca, Buddhism, and other spiritual or religious foundations.

I do enjoy eating healthy, working out, playing video games, watching movies, reading, and listening to all forms of music, whether it's jazz, classical, indie, or other variation.

I'm a fairly reserved person and while I'll go to clubs to listen to bands play, and go out with friends for random fun. Nothing for me has been fulfilling, and its been a continual struggle for four years to give myself purpose in my step. I've been described by many as being apathetic, or completely indifferent. This in a way, is true. I simply have little care, or reason to care. What friends I do have for the most part is superficial, or not the 'missing link', that could provide a smile.

For certain times, I was able to give myself purpose in just working out, or devoting myself completely to work. Though it only ends up in my own pent up frustration invoking an emotional breakdown. I've tried meditation, exercising, and other means to cope with my feeling of emptiness. For a time, these methods worked, and even going out nightly kept things off my mind. But it always comes back, and now it's becoming near unbearable to get myself out of bed daily.

This summer was perhaps the worst of it, when I lost over ten pounds, hardly slept, and kept myself socially isolated. It's been years of dealing with this malady, where nothing gives me pleasure, or happiness. My friendships here, are not ones that I find fulfilling. The sole factor that has kept me going can be compared to the days I would keep walk during the summer, just taking one step in front of the other for five, sometimes ten miles. It's all I know how to do, is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, going to the next day knowing there are people who depend on me. When I do go out, I'm able to even fool myself into finding joy or happiness. Despite how I'm feeling, I'll make jokes, laugh, smile, and put on a nice show of it all. I don't even instinctively do it, its just how my body reacts now when someone speaks to me, to immediately hide any of my unhappiness.

There have been low points where I've contemplated suicide, brought a knife to my neck, and other less than honorable ways to end myself. It's not something I'm proud of, and not something I tell others, but when you're desperate, you want to end the pain all at once. People say, "time heals all wounds", but what about if you're tired of enduring the same cycle? And you're not willing to wait for time to heal it all, since it'll only be ripped into again? My hobbies no longer give me joy, and not even writing has been a good outlet to deal with my continual threat of breaking down.

I used to be in emotionally abusive relationships with immature, unstable people that only further damaged me. While I'm more emotionally mature to handle a relationship, and I learned so much from past mistakes. I'm just now unable to consider or commit myself to a relationship anymore. When you've endured a cycle of friends and relationships who cling to you for a time for support, but then release you once they feel better, it's difficult to trust anymore. I no longer allow myself to become close to anyone who is immature in those regards, but the damage has been dealt. If I knew how to make myself happy, then maybe I could work towards it. I feel lonely, even when people are around, and there is not one I can lean on, despite all those who lean on me.

Well, I think I'm done now. I don't know why I posted this, but maybe letting this out will help me cope with the day.

Thanks for listening.

[Aspiringanonymous]

You've been very thorough in conveying the details of your circumstances. But in one aspect I am confused.

Before all else, you mentioned having a deep passion for literature, study of religions, as well as a number of other hobbies. Has your studies and personal pursuits not been fulfilling thus far? Does the notion of continuing the pursuit of these interests not provide a sense of hope and purpose?

[Surrealbeliefs]

I suppose being so thorough was a way of informing myself of who I am again. For whatever reason, my dreams, and my hobbies no longer give me much purpose. It doesn't provide fulfillment, and my concentration in it all has faltered immensely. I find it difficult to maintain any focus on anything like those pursuits.

Like I stated earlier, these steps I'm taking in cultivating a career has been because I don't know what else to do with my life. There's no significant relationships in my life, or nothing that stands out from anything else. It may be my complete indifference to near everything in my life.

[Aspiringanonymous]

What you described as your passions, must have stood out to you at some point.

I was stuck in a very similar state of mind not too long ago, and am just beginning to step out of its influence. The only input I can really offer in regards to how this is done, is to never stop seeking out new experiences, even if strong feelings of numbness overtake any possible wanting to do so. Be open to the universe, and inspiration will come. When opportunities arise to perhaps do something a little different, don't say no if an indifferent attitude is the only reason, you never know what potential may have lay ahead.

If a new direction is found, don't be afraid to start over, either. Let go of the past, no matter how far you may have advanced, for if it has become utterly meaningless, there is nothing really to be gained in continuing on.

That said, I have no significant relationships in my life, and am perfectly fine with it. Only you will know what really can make you happy; that is different for every individual. As for me, I choose to maintain the belief that while concrete beings and entities are almost always the enabling link between my consciousness and an inspiring experience, it can never become the experience itself. In that sense, I do not ever seek a 'thing' which makes me happy, but rather the essence of happiness, which can manifest in countless forms.

Do what you must do, in the time being, but remember that everything in nature is constantly fluctuating and taking on new forms, including states of being. It usually is only a matter of time.

[Surrealbeliefs]

I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I do entirely understand that not one thing, or one person should be sought for happiness. Such a mindset causes dependency, and leads to several issues that we see today.

It was a few months ago I told myself to never say no to taking new experiences, and to always engage in meeting someone new, or going somewhere.

I may take a trip somewhere over my month long break, and just get out the town. It'll take something to get me emotionally stirred up, but a change of pace would be good.

You mentioned you being in a similar state of mind. If you wouldn't mind answering, what were the feelings like for you?

[Aspiringanonymous]

Numbness, as you also mentioned, was the predominant emotion, occasionally broken by a debilitating fear and dread. I was in denial of the fact that for whatever reason, I was no longer passionate about my passions, for that led into the thought that without this guiding force, I was destined to 'fail' - fall into the same monotony and routine, meaningless life that is characteristic of the vast majority. Grow up, study, work, get married, have kids, stop living. Society and human existence just seemed like one big joke; people in general did very little except continually arouse their dulled souls with physical pleasures, entertainment, and other forms of escape. It is not pleasant to observe. It was in the fear of succumbing to the same fate, and a desperate attempt to counter that fear, where I lost myself and my original path completely. Ironically; a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I decided to devout myself to the study of ancient philosophical works, hoping that through it I could find closure and acceptance of the realities of human life. I didn't get very far, however, before a new source of inspiration was encountered that persuaded me towards this acceptance not only intellectually, but intuitively as well. The future of this path is uncertain, but that is part of the experience after all, to become comfortable with the idea of uncertainty.

Half of the problem-solving process involves understanding and assessing the problem, that is where most people encounter defeat. Rather than attempting to step back from their own emotional chaos and analyze the situation from a different yet still authentic perspective, it is not uncommon for people to expect others to tell them what their problem is - a very mistaken approach under most cases, if you ask me. You seem very self-aware compared to most, however, and that is commendable.

You'll make it. Even if it may not seem that way, but you will.

[Surrealbeliefs]

Then we have been on the same path when it comes to this, in a way. Its what makes me a pain to consult for some people, since I am aware of the situation I'm in, and I have rationalized it. Despite the logic, and the understanding of the situation, it still doesn't completely conquer the emotional factor that seeks to unravel it all.

Unfortunately I have no choice but to make it. Despite any tears, pain, and agony, I have to carry the burden through it. Too many people depend on me, and that is what has kept me alive.

Still, should life throw me a boon here and there. I wouldn't mind.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Certainly, emotions can be a huge annoyance. Sometimes, I've discovered, it makes a world of difference to just respond to a sincere 'how are you?' with 'I'll be honest, I'm in a horrible state of mind today. But it's a long story.' As opposed to starting a discussion, when there is little really to be discussed.

For the most part, when I feel that my emotions cannot be trusted, I take comfort in the company and cultivation of intellect.

[Surrealbeliefs]

That alone doesn't always suffice, and results in me becoming the 'tortured writer'. While at times, I do not mind since it can create some interesting pieces of literature. Of course, after years of it, you kind of want to find a moment of solace in the midst of it all.

A discussion does dissolve feeling lonely for a time.

[Aspiringanonymous]

It does. The only problem is the difficulty in actually coming across someone who is willing to have a discussion, and take it seriously.

Part of my recent experience was realizing the importance of spending time outside of one's own thoughts and feelings. Directing mental energy towards the analysis and understanding of something external and independent of oneself. For a short while, math class was my favourite place to be, for numbers certainly did not remind me of my inner turmoil in any significant way. A productive method of escape.

With constant introspection, one tends to end up unknowingly digging a mental pit of depression, in this lack of external forces which draws one's attention away from the dangerous task.

[Surrealbeliefs]

Introspection is a continual cycle for me that will not end, until I'm incapable of producing thought. So much so, that when I'm walking to another class or to my vehicle, I find myself lost in thought, and sometimes speaking aloud to myself.

Unfortunately I have no skill with numbers, but I do delve into literature, and history as well.

I guess that could be related to one of my many negative feelings. I do feel isolated, and lonely, since there is no one I could really hold a meaningful conversation with. I would say its nice to have one person you can speak to, without fear of judgment or any other reaction. While I fill that role for people, I seem to be incapable of finding someone like that. As I mentioned, I have plenty of people to go to places with, hang out with, but its all categorized in what would be superficial. There's nothing substantial or emotionally uplifting for me in it all. Perhaps if I was a different type of person, that alone would suffice.

My escapes have lost their potency.

[Aspiringanonymous]

I cannot say that I have skill with numbers, they are appreciated simply for their ability to take my mind off the things I usually dig mental holes in thinking about. Numbers don't usually remind one of the absurdity of human life. At least, I haven't gotten to that point yet...

Life is just what it is. While experimenting with opening oneself up to others and new social situations may be helpful, the truth is that confidantes are very difficult to come across, for anyone. Some people never do find those one or more real friends with whom they can share every little inner detail, and benefit mutually from it.

Most of the people I've considered a trusted friend are online friends. Perhaps joining internet communities, such as this one, may be a good place for you to start.