7 Years Today.

[1_21Guns]

Well, its my birthday today, 15.
Yet I don't care, I feel miserable. Probably because I know i'll end up breaking down later. Its the same old story every year. Plus my dad sent me a card with money in it, which shook me up, even my mum saw the shock and fear on my face as I read the card. It was signed 'love you and miss you, love dad xxxx' a shiver raced through my body as I read it. I told him to leave me alone. And you can all go 'but he's your dad' till the cows come home. I know he is, and I know why he's done it.
I've been depressed 7 years now. Everything I never thought i'd go through I went through. I just watched the news and saw another case of child suicide, just another number, I never had a clue i'd run the risk of being one of those numbers. I never thought i'd run the risk 3 times, 4 if you count the overdose on ibuprofen i took the other week. I never knew my dads abuse would kill me inside. I never thought it would stop me from having a boyfriend. I never knew my family would colapse around me. I never knew i'd ever have to decide if my parents would split. I NEVER thought i'd ever cut, it was something i'd prided myself in never doing despite my severe depression. but here i am. all of it happened. i did all of it. yet i'm still here. its gotta show something I guess.
I hate my birthday, I hate today. I'll hate this week. Its just a reminder that its another year i've felt like this, another year thats been wasted on feeling depressed.

Yet another year has passed, yet my feelings are just the same, if not worse. I keep hoping things will get better, but they never do.

[fohawk]

all you are doing is thinking of the bad thing you need to focas your thoughtson happy thing and learn to keep your sadness under control and if it is so bad as you say dont tell us it doesnt or isnt going to make us happy and some people wont pity you

[1_21Guns]

i think i know I do that, and i try to be happy. every year. but i just end up falling harder every time. so whats the point?
and i'll just keep how i feel inside next time so i end up even worse off than before. because thats a good idea...
just out of curiosity, have you ever been depressed? because if you have, then you'll realise its not that black and white.

[TigerLily]

Natalie, firstly, I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this, you don't deserve this hurt :(

But I'd just like to tell you something I used to do, and I have no idea if it will help, but I'm just putting it out there. Every year you grow older is another year closer to that future of yours, a future than can be whatever you want it to be. You can have a future without your dad, you can have a future where you get to do all those things you ever wanted to do. 3 years time and you'll be 18, an adult and able to move out and hopefully leave some of these problems behind you.

I come from a fairly similar situation to you (abuse, pill misuse, episodes of depression etc) and I always used to count down birthdays for that hope that I'd be one year closer to a future I'm in control of. Things are a lot better for me now, and I hope the same for you. Maybe this might have helped, i have no idea, but please feel free to PM me any time you feel like talking or want any help. You can get through this (:

:hug:

[1_21Guns]

Natalie, firstly, I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this, you don't deserve this hurt :(

But I'd just like to tell you something I used to do, and I have no idea if it will help, but I'm just putting it out there. Every year you grow older is another year closer to that future of yours, a future than can be whatever you want it to be. You can have a future without your dad, you can have a future where you get to do all those things you ever wanted to do. 3 years time and you'll be 18, an adult and able to move out and hopefully leave some of these problems behind you.

I come from a fairly similar situation to you (abuse, pill misuse, episodes of depression etc) and I always used to count down birthdays for that hope that I'd be one year closer to a future I'm in control of. Things are a lot better for me now, and I hope the same for you. Maybe this might have helped, i have no idea, but please feel free to PM me any time you feel like talking or want any help. You can get through this (:

:hug:

Thanks Rachel, you're probably right, and that doesn't sound like that much of a bad idea. I've always said that when i'm 18, if I still feel this bad i'll go and get help, when none of my family can get hurt and need to know. And I can leave it behind me. Maybe if I try thinking of the years as that my look on it all might just change... i hope.

[Darkness]

I think Rachels said the best that can be said, but I care and if there's anything I can do. I will. :)