Don't want to be just another number...

[1_21Guns]

but I can't say I want to live like this either. I don't want this continual moodswing of being 'happy' to wanting to die. Its driving me crazy. I just want it all to stop, and the only way my brain seems to know is to end it, probably because of my previous suicide attempts. But one of the things thats stopping me, is I know i'd only be another number on the teenage suicide list, not even understood as to why I did it. Just burried and forgotten by the autorities, and not even trying to help others before they got to this stage. And then they all wonder why so many end up this way. They never stop to think why. I can't do this anymore, I can't cut, because i've told myself no. Even though i've got scarily close. Yet, I can't bring myself to sign the no suicide pledge... never have, from the minute i joined to this day, I couldn't sign it. Yeah, your all probably going to tell me to tell my parents, say i aught to go seek help. Yes, in a perfect world where everything was simple. Yes, I could do that. But what if the world doesn't work so well. What if its not so simple. What if getting help is the last thing I can do at the moment. Everything is just full of what ifs, do's and don'ts. theres nothing inbetween. its either yes or no, then doubting your own decisions. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate myself. I cant win. I can't lose. So what the hell am I supposed to do?

[Aspiringanonymous]

Forget about winning or losing and just be.

Trust your intuition. The small little voice, hidden underneath the confusing mass of emotions on the surface of consciousness, the one that is so easily drowned out, for it does not easily raise its voice. Until one is standing at the tipping point, the final moments before it becomes too late to turn back.

Be alert to that voice, and trust the path towards which it points to. Guidance from the soul and intellect, they're your best bet, especially when one's emotional passions cannot easily be trusted.

'Getting help' only ever made things worse, in my experience. I understand your frustrations. While I do not believe that it is absolutely necessary to 'get help' in the traditional sense, maintaining a line of communication between one's inner world and the external environment is still very important. Whether that be in the form of artistic, abstract expression or confiding intimately in persons outside of your local periphery, take great care that this connection is not lost. Complete mental isolation with nothing but one's own thoughts and feelings is a dangerous place to be.