Life sucks blah blah blah

[deadpie]

For the past week, i've been debating the existance of my life. I have some emotional problems, so i made this journal where i would write all these crazy thoughts that came to my head like necrophilia, sacrificial suicide, violent ways of torture, drawn pictures of people's bodies being severed and cut up. This was a way of coping for me everytime i felt like doing something crazy, i hullucinated, herd voices, started getting paranoid. And unfortunatly, my mom comes in my room to find it open, looks threw it all.
She said it was some sick stuff, and i need to be locked up in the hospital for life, and i talked to her for a while, tried to work something out.
So i've been staying at my boyfriends house, living in his room the whole week, maybe a little longer. He's watched over me to make sure i don't do anything stupid like kill myself. I've been getting really shaky, and since i've never lived in his house, it's a new territory for me, so every time i hear something wierd, i have to inspect everything that could possibly make that noise to make sure i'm not hearing something or some crazy shit is going on or make sure my abusers haven't somehow gotten out of jail to get revenge and rip every piece of me apart.
And I'm typing this up on my laptop, really wanting to just run out of my house, go to my ex's and try to overdose on heroin. I feel like the world could use one less crazy. I mean, what do people like me become? Loosers locked up in institutions for life. I don't want that.

[Hyper]

People ''like you'' end up locked up in institutions if they don't seek proper help and end up doing something stupid..

But TBH I don't think they ever lock the people they should be locking up in those institutions - unless they've chopped half a dozen people to tiny pieces and ate them..

But.. All of that aside psychological problems don't get better simply with time, but with real professional help over a long period of time accompanied by a strong will to get better.

[deadpie]

Yeah, i have been seing a therapist for a couple years and it hasn't helped much lately.

[ShatteredWings]

You're seeing the psych, but are you listing to em at all?

I think you've got problems.. but then again, you're talking to the one who's had fantacies of blowing up the earth. So what do i know? ha

Are you being honest with people who are trying to help you? Yes, i realize how hard it can be to accept "Yes they're trying to help me", but more often than not, people have good intentions

[deadpie]

;703172']You're seeing the psych, but are you listing to em at all?

I think you've got problems.. but then again, you're talking to the one who's had fantacies of blowing up the earth. So what do i know? ha

Are you being honest with people who are trying to help you? Yes, i realize how hard it can be to accept "Yes they're trying to help me", but more often than not, people have good intentions

It took me a year to actually trust my T, and it helped for a while, and i really do pay attention to the conversations that go on. It's just i feel like i need more time to talk about my shit and i never can.
I can never be honest to people when i feel they're going to betray me in some way.

BTW, i fantasize about destroying the world all the time too. :P