Gumleaf
November 23rd, 2009, 01:56 AM
this post is based on an article i read in a newspaper, the sunday telegraph, on the weekend by someone called Lollie Barr. i thought it had some good info in it and could be helpful to some people here. i have changed parts of it to suit the vt community. hope its helpful to someone.
Can you be friends with your ex?
You felt the incredible sense of connection, fell in love but for whatever reason your relationship failed to last. But when a romantic relationship is over, is it possible to remain friends? Here is what to do before you try to become the best of friends.
Take Time Out - If you have recently broken up, you need space to adjust to being single again, and time to create a new life before shifting back into being friends. “Ask yourself, ‘Are there still any feelings of love or lust towards your former partner?”’, You can’t just turn off romantic feelings. There is a process to be worked through before you can start looking at friendship. You should wait at least a month before trying to meet up, especially if you were the one who ended the relationship. Remaining friends may ease the guilt, but if your ex still has feelings for you they may confuse this for thinking you want to start the relationship again.
Can You Stay Friends? – If it’s a clean break up its easier to stay friends. However, if it was an ugly break-up that has involved something like a betrayal or affair, it is going to be difficult to develop or re-establish a friendship. Understanding what you want out of the relationship is also important. Is it an opportunity for closure? Are you looking to gt back together? Do you still feel you need their emotional support? If you couldn’t take the relationship further then why do you want to be friends with this person? If you think that being friends with the source of your pain will help you through an emotional crisis, it isn’t going to work. Once you’ve had the time to heal, then it maybe possible to be friends, but not before. Understanding why you want the relationship to continue is important. You might be resisting letting go because you don’t want to admit failure, or you are holding on to a glimmer of hope that things can go back to how they were again. But if you are hanging on because of a desire that things will be how they were and you would rather have fake love then nothing at all, you are doing yourself a disservice. Also be aware of signs that you aren’t moving forward such as keeping photos or visual memories of your ex around, not dating other people and spending too much time with your ex. You need to be looking forward, not backwards.
Set Boundaries – Now that you are no longer a couple, you shouldn’t expect couple privileges such as dropping everything to call them back, being emotionally supportive because you’ve had a bad day. The old expectations don’t apply anymore, so don’t expect them. This might seem awkward, but you are creating a new relationship with this person now. Using pet names that you might have used or ending written conversations with kisses needs to stop. By setting boundaries like this, you are setting a new standard for when you become friends so the old expectations are no longer there.
The Issues – Now that the relationship is over and you are trying to be friends, don’t expect the issues that caused the breakup to magically disappear. But remember that now you have broken up, you don’t have a say on how they live their life like you would have before. Be sure to keep a mutual respect for eachother if you want a friendship to work.
The Naked Truth – Being in a romantic relationship you would of shared some intimate moments together and possibly a sexual relationship. But now that you are friends, don’t let them temptation of sex get in the way. If you start having sex again you go back into the intimacy zone of the romantic relationship and when you are striving for a friendship after a break up, this is a step in the wrong direction.
Seperation Anxiety – Treating your ex like a boyfriend/girlfriend after you have broken up might help fill the gap for you, but its really a mask and doesn’t help you to emotionally move on. If you are constantly meeting or talking to them when you have a problem, you are not moving on. Its almost impossible to meet someone else if you are still emotional tied to your ex. Be careful of the amount of time you spend with them and look for other people you can share your feelings and emotions with.
Moving On – Sometimes the most difficult part of being friends with your ex is when one of you starts a new relationship. Be prepared because this can cause painful memories and emotions to occur. Maybe you should talk to your ex about ho much time you will spend together as friends so the new relationship can have the chance to develop. If you keep contact to a minimum during this time, hopefully the pain will be minimal and the friendship with your ex can grow.
Can you be friends with your ex?
You felt the incredible sense of connection, fell in love but for whatever reason your relationship failed to last. But when a romantic relationship is over, is it possible to remain friends? Here is what to do before you try to become the best of friends.
Take Time Out - If you have recently broken up, you need space to adjust to being single again, and time to create a new life before shifting back into being friends. “Ask yourself, ‘Are there still any feelings of love or lust towards your former partner?”’, You can’t just turn off romantic feelings. There is a process to be worked through before you can start looking at friendship. You should wait at least a month before trying to meet up, especially if you were the one who ended the relationship. Remaining friends may ease the guilt, but if your ex still has feelings for you they may confuse this for thinking you want to start the relationship again.
Can You Stay Friends? – If it’s a clean break up its easier to stay friends. However, if it was an ugly break-up that has involved something like a betrayal or affair, it is going to be difficult to develop or re-establish a friendship. Understanding what you want out of the relationship is also important. Is it an opportunity for closure? Are you looking to gt back together? Do you still feel you need their emotional support? If you couldn’t take the relationship further then why do you want to be friends with this person? If you think that being friends with the source of your pain will help you through an emotional crisis, it isn’t going to work. Once you’ve had the time to heal, then it maybe possible to be friends, but not before. Understanding why you want the relationship to continue is important. You might be resisting letting go because you don’t want to admit failure, or you are holding on to a glimmer of hope that things can go back to how they were again. But if you are hanging on because of a desire that things will be how they were and you would rather have fake love then nothing at all, you are doing yourself a disservice. Also be aware of signs that you aren’t moving forward such as keeping photos or visual memories of your ex around, not dating other people and spending too much time with your ex. You need to be looking forward, not backwards.
Set Boundaries – Now that you are no longer a couple, you shouldn’t expect couple privileges such as dropping everything to call them back, being emotionally supportive because you’ve had a bad day. The old expectations don’t apply anymore, so don’t expect them. This might seem awkward, but you are creating a new relationship with this person now. Using pet names that you might have used or ending written conversations with kisses needs to stop. By setting boundaries like this, you are setting a new standard for when you become friends so the old expectations are no longer there.
The Issues – Now that the relationship is over and you are trying to be friends, don’t expect the issues that caused the breakup to magically disappear. But remember that now you have broken up, you don’t have a say on how they live their life like you would have before. Be sure to keep a mutual respect for eachother if you want a friendship to work.
The Naked Truth – Being in a romantic relationship you would of shared some intimate moments together and possibly a sexual relationship. But now that you are friends, don’t let them temptation of sex get in the way. If you start having sex again you go back into the intimacy zone of the romantic relationship and when you are striving for a friendship after a break up, this is a step in the wrong direction.
Seperation Anxiety – Treating your ex like a boyfriend/girlfriend after you have broken up might help fill the gap for you, but its really a mask and doesn’t help you to emotionally move on. If you are constantly meeting or talking to them when you have a problem, you are not moving on. Its almost impossible to meet someone else if you are still emotional tied to your ex. Be careful of the amount of time you spend with them and look for other people you can share your feelings and emotions with.
Moving On – Sometimes the most difficult part of being friends with your ex is when one of you starts a new relationship. Be prepared because this can cause painful memories and emotions to occur. Maybe you should talk to your ex about ho much time you will spend together as friends so the new relationship can have the chance to develop. If you keep contact to a minimum during this time, hopefully the pain will be minimal and the friendship with your ex can grow.