Thinking about it... Should I do it?

[HOLEinyoursoul]

But i know i can't. I still have 12 year and 5 months left. The girl i love most does not love me back. At least i don't think. I've thought about suicide. But i can't. 12. Years. 5. Months. It seems a long time to wait until i can finally kill myself. Oh and don't ask about the 12 year thing. I have never really thought about suicide this much until one month ago. It started then. Idk why. If you want me to explain the 12 year thing i will. But you'll think im nuts.

[Quick_Sylver]

Hold in there. Pm if you want to vent/rant. If you don't mind me asking what's with the 12 year thing?

[Aspiringanonymous]

What is the 12-year thing? Don't worry, nothing is too nuts for me. I once told myself that I would seek out death after my 30th birthday, because that is when most people's access to significant freedom and potential in this life ends anyway.

I have to ask this for clarification; by 'doing it' are you referring to self-harm or suicide? Or both? Also, what is the rationale behind your contemplating suicide?

We can't really make a specific comment unless you are willing to share more information. You are always welcome to contact me in private, if that is a better option. I hope everything is okay with you.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

By "doing it" I'm referring to shooting myself in the head with a 12 gage shot gun.

[Cloud]

question 1
why have you planned your suicide
how silly

question 2
why do you want to kill yourself?

question 3
why the blinking heck do you have a 12 gauge shotgun

[HOLEinyoursoul]

question 1
why have you planned your suicide
how silly

question 2
why do you want to kill yourself?

question 3
why the blinking heck do you have a 12 gauge shotgun

1&2
I will be 27 and it will be April 5th. Other people will know what this means. Also, I have just been thinking about suicide a lot lately. I have been diagnosed with depression but I tongue my meds. I don't like being happy or satisfied besides sex. The only thing i am ok with being satisfied with is being sad. It's very comforting. Don't get me wrong I love laughing. Anyway, I have been thinking about just drawing blood. Not to kill myself, because I can't until my right time. For now all I can do is get drunk and take like 12 Benedryl to black everything out.

3. Just cuz. It's my dad's.

[The Batman]

I'm going to be blunt killing yourself on that day is not a smart thing at all dude because there's simply no reason for you to do it. You want to follow the life of this person up until his suicide? WHY?

The thing about reincarnation is that you don't make the same mistakes as your last life you make different choices and you become a different person. Also take your meds you might not think they are good for you or you might like being sad but it's not helping you at all.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

I'm going to be blunt killing yourself on that day is not a smart thing at all dude because there's simply no reason for you to do it. You want to follow the life of this person up until his suicide? WHY?

The thing about reincarnation is that you don't make the same mistakes as your last life you make different choices and you become a different person. Also take your meds you might not think they are good for you or you might like being sad but it's not helping you at all.

I feel i have no choice. Read the last post i put up on the other thread.

[The Batman]

I read that post and that's why I'm responding. And the thing about life is that you ALWAYS have a choice it's your life you decide what you do with it.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

Well I want to do it anyway. My life is shit either way.

[The Batman]

If your life is shit then do something to make it better instead of giving up without trying.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

1&2
I will be 27 and it will be April 5th. Other people will know what this means. Also, I have just been thinking about suicide a lot lately. I have been diagnosed with depression but I tongue my meds. I don't like being happy or satisfied besides sex. The only thing i am ok with being satisfied with is being sad. It's very comforting. Don't get me wrong I love laughing. Anyway, I have been thinking about just drawing blood. Not to kill myself, because I can't until my right time. For now all I can do is get drunk and take like 12 Benedryl to black everything out.
I think this explains enough. If you need more explanation, please ask.

[The Batman]

That doesn't explain anything dude I've thought about killing myself countless times yet I'm still here posting and I haven't planned my suicide. If you've known half the shit I"ve gone through in my life you'd be amazed I'm still here so don't give me that at all because I've been there. If you don't like your meds talk to your doctor about it or your parents but ffs do NOT give up on your life and plan a suicide in 12 years because of who else died that day.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

:/ well obviously I am just a little asshole and should just kill myself right now.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Maybe I missed something, but it seems like this thread is getting absolutely nowhere. You could keep saying you're going to do it, and we'll keep telling you not to, and in the end not achieve anything at all. Ultimately, the choice still resides with you, and if you are adamant about making that choice, we are physically incapable of stopping you.

If you have issues, address them with an open, willing mind. And we certainly can help you do that, but you must be willing to take initiative and ownership of your own well-being.

The way I see it, if you keep refining the belief that you have no choice but to kill yourself, than that is exactly what you are mentally confining yourself to. You do have a choice. The power for resistance against what is perceived as fate, arises out of the ability to see beyond the immediate, and arrive at the bigger picture. Exercising rational control of one's thoughts and actions, keeping emotional impulses at bay.

[chelsay13]

ok, no one can convince you not to do it but yourself.
Kill yourself, but think about what you'll miss.
You won't be able to see the one you love walk down the isle toward you,
you won't be able to look down into your newborn's eyes and see all the things he/she will accomplish in life,
You won't be able to look at your family in 50 years and realize what is truly important in your life.
Everyone has a future,
It's not clear now, and it might not be tomorrow or the day after that, but sometime you'll know who you are and your purpose in life. Everyone has a purpose.
Please think about it at least. Who you'll leave behind, what you're throwing away, everything. and also, do you think that ending your life will send you to some mystical world meant for those who ran away from their problems? It won't. It'll land you about 50ft underground with your loved ones weeping above you.

[luciia96]

Well I want to do it anyway. My life is shit either way.

can I ask why do u think ur life is shit?

[TheKingDavis]

Ok in the first post your whole reasoning was over a girl, ill be blunt, that is the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard. Killing yourself because some girl doesnt like you

[piggy-wiggy]

^^ agree with poster above , listen to Dustion .. !
we're all here to help you, theres always someone to talk to..

[HOLEinyoursoul]

It's just I don't think living is really all that great. It's boring, I really don't think anyone truly likes me, i have insomnia so I'm a fucking zombie all the time. All I do is stay up, write in my journal, play guitar, listen to music, read, etc. I literally have not slept in 5 days. I am so far behind in school it's not even funny. I want to drop out. I both hate and love the misery it brings. I guess I'm not posting this tread for help but to just vent out and hear what people have to say. My parents drive me to insanity. And I know what you're thinking, that's everyone. NO. NOT.AT. ALL. My parents are so ignorant, so arrogant, so stubborn. They never listen to me. Nobody really ever listens to me. The only person that listens to me is myself. Writing. But I can't kill myself yet. I really can't. I need to wait until I've done something with my life. I can't leave it completely empty. I need to leave my musical mark on the world. I need to have a child. I need to have a wife. But I need to kill myself once I've achieved this all. I don't think I could live past it.

[Aspiringanonymous]

You make perfect sense to me, but then again you do not.

Why must you set a plan to kill yourself once your life has gotten better and you have made something decent out of it? Is it a fear of loss and/or eventual failure? Why would you not want to live on, with the progress you have made, and enjoy life while you're at it?

[HOLEinyoursoul]

I don't want to be old and yes, fear of fading out. But life is just too long to live it out like this. When my surroundings get better, I don't think my mental situation will. I don't want help. Sadness is comforting and that's what I need. Plus it helps with creativity. I'm not as creative when I'm happy.

[The Batman]

You want to have a wife and kid before you kill youself? I'm sorry but that's not right at all you're going to intentionally put them through the hell of knowing someone they loved killed himself.

[luciia96]

I need to wait until I've done something with my life. I can't leave it completely empty. I need to leave my musical mark on the world. I need to have a child. I need to have a wife. But I need to kill myself once I've achieved this all. I don't think I could live past it.

that is really selfish! so your plan is to have a wife nd a child and then kill urself nd leave them alone? just bcause u need to fulfill ur life b4 leavin'?

[drumir93]

I need to have a child. I need to have a wife. But I need to kill myself once I've achieved this all. I don't think I could live past it.

That's a rotten, selfish, and even in-humane thing to say.
You would gladly have a woman fall in love with you and bring life into the world, only to abandon it. Possibly screwing up your kids life incredibly, since they'll know for a solid fact that their father would literally rather be dead then spend time with them.
I know we're not supposed to be to mean with those having issues with suicide etc.:, but I think your massive self-importance merits it.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

I think that it shouldn't matter whether I die or not. The only reason it's considered "bad" to kill yourself is cuz we have feelings. We get attached. There's nothing in this world to love for me. Only those closest. No one else would care. Not until I
m gone. Which sucks.

[drumir93]

Why do you care so much about other people that don't care about you?

[HOLEinyoursoul]

I'm a hollow narcissist

[drumir93]

Then for the good of society as a whole, please do not have any children. If you want to literally ruin your life anything I say wont stop you I'm sure. But don't force other people into it, If they want to help let them in, but don't create an other human-being solely to hurt it.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

but i really want a daughter when i grow up

[The Batman]

But do you really want your daughter to have to know her daddy killed himself and apparently didn't care enough about her to become a positive role model in her life? You should go out, get married, and have kids but instead of killing yourself after it you should try and give them the things you didn't have.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

well I didn't have a dead dad. I just don't think I could handle past that point. I would have to let go. People love you more when you're gone.

[Aspiringanonymous]

What is the purpose of this thread anyway? Why would you keep asserting your ideas when you are perfectly fine with them and do not want 'help' or change, and almost all of your audience seem to be criticizing you for it? It is creatively stimulating to receive confirmation on your self-acclaimed narcissism?

[HOLEinyoursoul]

I want to know what people think. Idk, I might change my mind. I just want people to hear me. I enjoy the conflict. It's one of the only things im ok about being happy about. That, music, and sex.

[drumir93]

well I didn't have a dead dad. I just don't think I could handle past that point. I would have to let go. People love you more when you're gone.

I would guess that the reason people don't love you now is because you're a hallow narcissist. At least that's why I don't like you.

And seriously when you're dead it wont matter how much people love you. You'll be dead and not be able to experience a second of it.
You're a very near-sighted person.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

Well by hollow narcissism i mean i act like i love myself and sometimes I do, but i really don't. I'm sorry I'm like this. I guess this is the reason I want to die. Sorry.

[The Batman]

People don't love you more when you take your own life in fact some people hate you for it.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

well those can just add to the list. Trust me, it goes on and on. I mean, I do have friends, and the friends i have are the best friends you could ever wish for.

[drumir93]

There's nothing wrong with loving yourself. In fact I would say it's healthy to an extent.
But perhaps if you made an attempt to see the value in others and love you're friends more than you love yourself if even for an instant, it would bring you a bit closer to reality.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

I actually try to get the farthest away from reality I possibly can. I listen to music constantly to stay in euphoria. Reality is just too painful for me. My home life, my social life, school, my job, the list goes on and on. I need to have euphoria or else I die. Not physically die but die inside. Literally. I am like a zombie and the insomnia does not help, neither does borderline personality disorder (which has nothing to do with having more than one personality)

[drumir93]

Can you imagine what an acceptable reality would be?

[HOLEinyoursoul]

are you asking me to tell you what i think a perfect reality would be for me?

[drumir93]

Yes. Your perfect life.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

Here's what I want: I want a girl to love and to love back just as much. I want to eventually marry and perhaps have a child. I want to become famous for my music and my art. I want to completely change pop-culture. I am so sick of all the shit of today, some stuff is good but a lot of it is shit. I want to be able to do what I want: write, play music, sing, play guitar, scream my fucking head off (I like alternative punk like Sonic Youth, Nirvana, The Melvins, and Meat Puppets), love my wife and child, be loved, get away from home, move to Seattle. I want to live in euphoria. But I never want to get old. Age scares me. Death doesn't scare me. It seems peaceful. Maybe not getting there is peaceful. But in the end there is nothing; no thinking, no having to do anything. It's just nothing. Like?

[Aspiringanonymous]

Therefore you have acknowledged the fact that the state of euphoria is inherently unstable and thus chose death rather than allowing it to run its complete cycle from mental high to low. Holding true to the reality of your creation to the very end. It is not as uncommon a philosophy as it seems.

However, all these speculations are based on the assumption that all of your goals in the physical reality will be achieved, thus 'euphoria' attained. What if you fail to do so?

[HOLEinyoursoul]

That's where the gun comes in

[drumir93]

In time you may find a girl, but if you look to hard people tend to marry the first person they find acceptable, So just give that time and let it happen however it might.
Now lets think of all the great musicians of the past. Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Buddy Holly, John Lydon. I don't think they wrote to be loved by strangers and to gain wealth. So write and perform for the right reasons and maybe you will be acknowledged, but perhaps not. But at least you made great music.
If you work for the money and make the decision to move to Seattle, then that's all there is to it. No one can stop you from that but your self. You may have to wait about six years or go to college there but that's a fairly simple thing that you're more than capable of doing.
If you want life to be worth it, you have to put in the effort.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

I don't make music to become wealthy. I do it to release everything and also to make other people happy. I love to see people react to my music. Although I hope it brings me wealth, that is not my whole intention. In fact making money takes up less than 1% of my intentions. I could be homeless and make make music and I would still be completely happy.

[drumir93]

No you wouldn't. You want to be famous.
I think you need to be more critical of yourself before being so critical of society as a whole.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

Well success and wealth isn't an overnight thing.

[The Batman]

I don't think you can judge him on what he wants. I love music but I wouldn't really want to be famous for it.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

Well I would like to be at least well known. Famous would be nice, but isn't really something I aim for.

[drumir93]

I don't think you can judge him on what he wants. I love music but I wouldn't really want to be famous for it.

I think if there's any proper way to judge who a person really is and what you think of them, going by what they want is one of them.:yes:
But whatever.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

I feel that I am an entity, I am not really a life, I am just a bank of thoughts, ideas and emotions. That is what I seriously feel. It is something I have felt my entire life. I am just a perspective. You know? That is another reason I feel my life is so unimportant.

[drumir93]

Observe life. Gather what you can from it. And embrace it.
To be honest, I feel the exact same way, but I'm happy with it.
Whether they realize it or not, I would argue that that's all anybody really is, they just don't like to recognize it.

[Aspiringanonymous]

There is great wisdom and comfort to be found in the acceptance of insignificance.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

EXACTLY!!! INSIGNIFICANCE!!! That's this whole thing. I am insignificant. Therefore, why would anyone miss me? Why should it matter I die young? Age is too much to handle. That is why you live fast and die young. Do everything you ever dreamed of before you grow old. Then end it. I don't want excitement to fade. I want to stay miserable, euphoric, and meaningless at the same time. So you, in the end agree with me.

[drumir93]

I want to stay miserable, euphoric, and meaningless at the same time. So you, in the end agree with me.

Then stay that way, and enjoy it for 70 years or so.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Then, that is your choice. Personal views aside, others must ultimately respect your choice as an independent being. If you want to know what the general view is, you've heard it already - criticism from the vast majority. The purpose of this thread is served.

If you ask me, I would say that there are better ways of approaching the 'live fast die young' principle. But perhaps it will not be suitable for you.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

I hope to see you guys at a concert one day. I also have one more question. I know of several people who dropped out of high school and are out and about successfully. A lot of musicians have done this and succeeded. Kurt Cobain is one of then. I plan to do everything I can to make a full job out of making music. Enough to support me. I plan to fight as hard I can to get noticed. Failure is not an option.

[The Batman]

If it doesn't work out it helps to have a backup plan mate also go to school get a great job and pay for everything yourself.

[Aspiringanonymous]

You are under no obligation to follow strictly in the paths of another. Even if a particular approach worked for many, it may not be so in your case, as there are countless factors which play in to determine success or failure. Find what is right for you.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

well im not doing this because someone else is doing it, i want to do it but i'm just using them as examples. I feel that i can make it. I don't think I'll be doing a whole lot that involves too much of an education.

[Aspiringanonymous]

All education is doing, is keeping more options open for you. In the very least it would allow you to hold a proper part-time position while working towards the lengthy goal of becoming an influential personality. To an extent, it could also be a form of delaying what you perceive to be the end of your life. Start on your path later, finish a bit later as well. A high school diploma is not difficult to obtain at all. All one needs to do is simply pass the most basic, least demanding course load.

But, again, it is your choice. The most insightful and promising person I have ever become acquainted with, chose to not graduate rather than compromise what he stood for. Only you will know whether or not this course of action is beneficial to you.

[HOLEinyoursoul]

k well when the time comes, i'll know if it's right for me.

[hhhh]

suicide is quitting. and really dude? Kurt Cobain. All for kurt (explative) cobain, whats that going to accomplish. If i continue into full rant mode i'll most likely get banned for word choice

[Aspiringanonymous]

This post is from five months ago. Please do not bump old threads. :locked: