Jean Poutine
November 18th, 2009, 02:36 AM
I have lost almost all the friends I have painstakenly made over the last few years due to seemingly unimportant trifles like wanting to (clumsily) diversify my circle of friends.
I attend a college of 5000+ students and I still managed to speak to exactly 0 people during the whole semester. I go there, sit for class, and get out.
I'm tired of going to college only to shut my trap. I could do that at home. My grades are dwindling because I'm tired of it all. Whenever I face my future I know there is nothing in store for me. I know that I'll end up like what I have always hated despite all the efforts I have made to not be like that. That is, on invalidity welfare pissing the rest of my life off over drivel instead of living a normal, fulfilling life like I have endeavoured to for 19 years. Like I have especially tried to for the last 2 or 3 years.
All the efforts I have done over the last 2 years have suddenly vanished. I'm losing my grasp on what's happening around me. I've regressed to how I was BEFORE I even entered college. I can't get out of my house if my mother is not with me. I don't understand, I could before, but now it frightens me. I can't speak using a phone anymore. It just scares the living hell out of me.
The worst is that I'm conscious that I'm losing all the progress I have made. Not only is it disheartening, it is frustrating. I don't even want to consider trying again. I'm only building castles with playing cards that will eventually fall down. It's futile. People cannot change and I cannot escape my fate.
I will never amount to anything. Let me cut a few more ropes tonight. Then I'll go sleep and forget I ever attempted anything. Complacency's embrace will make everything better. I will resume being strictly what I am. It's unescapable. I can forget about having friends, much less a girlfriend, I can also forget about having a job and a stable life. I will be the loser everyone doesn't want to be. A parody of a failure of a human being. It will not bother me for I have done all I can, numerous times.
I attend a college of 5000+ students and I still managed to speak to exactly 0 people during the whole semester. I go there, sit for class, and get out.
I'm tired of going to college only to shut my trap. I could do that at home. My grades are dwindling because I'm tired of it all. Whenever I face my future I know there is nothing in store for me. I know that I'll end up like what I have always hated despite all the efforts I have made to not be like that. That is, on invalidity welfare pissing the rest of my life off over drivel instead of living a normal, fulfilling life like I have endeavoured to for 19 years. Like I have especially tried to for the last 2 or 3 years.
All the efforts I have done over the last 2 years have suddenly vanished. I'm losing my grasp on what's happening around me. I've regressed to how I was BEFORE I even entered college. I can't get out of my house if my mother is not with me. I don't understand, I could before, but now it frightens me. I can't speak using a phone anymore. It just scares the living hell out of me.
The worst is that I'm conscious that I'm losing all the progress I have made. Not only is it disheartening, it is frustrating. I don't even want to consider trying again. I'm only building castles with playing cards that will eventually fall down. It's futile. People cannot change and I cannot escape my fate.
I will never amount to anything. Let me cut a few more ropes tonight. Then I'll go sleep and forget I ever attempted anything. Complacency's embrace will make everything better. I will resume being strictly what I am. It's unescapable. I can forget about having friends, much less a girlfriend, I can also forget about having a job and a stable life. I will be the loser everyone doesn't want to be. A parody of a failure of a human being. It will not bother me for I have done all I can, numerous times.