NightFighter
November 17th, 2009, 10:16 AM
The penny has finally dropped.
I gave in a few days ago and i seriously regret it.
I got no satisfaction. No relief. No sense of anything positive from doing it.
I think its because ive been quitting for so long. The feeling isn't the same.
Having to hide the cuts is bringing me down. I used to think it was worth it. Not anymore.I forgot how tiring covering it is. 24/7.
So i guess this is a positive step, right?
Well, what do you do when your coping mechanism doesnt work anymore?
You find a new way or you can persist with it.
I've tried different ways of dealing emotions without self harming but i always come back. I know that if i just do it more and more then i can get that glorious feeling back when i self harm. But then thats really stupid. Thats like knowing you are taking a wrong turn but you just keep going even though you've been that way before and you know you will come to the same depressing dead end. So, im stuck. I know the right way. I know the wrong. Its either the hard way ending hopefully in happiness or the temporary happiness way leading to a dead end. There the choice will either be death or to turn around and try taking the right road. I've been there before and the road back again is unbelievably difficult.
You see, i still consider myself addicted. But im not addicted to the relief. Im addicted to the hope that just one more cut will bring me that relief. Does that make sense? or am i just trying to justify my weakness by saying that im addicted? Im not sure if im explaining myself clearly. Cutting doesnt bring me relief but i still feel the need to do it. Whenever something bad happens i instantly want to grab my razor but i know i wont feel better. I just need to do it because it helped me so often before. I always hope that it will make me feel like that again.
So i guess you are wondering what the point of this thread is. Well, honestly, i dont know. This started as a little comment in a different thread but i kept typing. I just wanted to let my thoughts out. I see a lot of people asking if what they are feeling is normal and if anyone else is feeling the same. Im not asking those questions. Maybe other people are out there feeling the same way as me. Maybe you also see the two seperate routes. Sometimes just knowing people are feeling the same way as you are can bring you a little strength.
So, im sorry if i wasted your time. Im beginning to feel i have just wasted my own.
Im going to try to take the right route. As i said before, the cutting isn't worth it. I can't take the easy route. Thats not who i am anymore. Im going to fight. And if anyone out there is heading towards that route then listen to me. You always have to fight for happiness. It wont come if you dont try. There is always hope.
Fight for yourself.
Fight for your life.
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" :)
Again, sorry if i wasted your time.
I gave in a few days ago and i seriously regret it.
I got no satisfaction. No relief. No sense of anything positive from doing it.
I think its because ive been quitting for so long. The feeling isn't the same.
Having to hide the cuts is bringing me down. I used to think it was worth it. Not anymore.I forgot how tiring covering it is. 24/7.
So i guess this is a positive step, right?
Well, what do you do when your coping mechanism doesnt work anymore?
You find a new way or you can persist with it.
I've tried different ways of dealing emotions without self harming but i always come back. I know that if i just do it more and more then i can get that glorious feeling back when i self harm. But then thats really stupid. Thats like knowing you are taking a wrong turn but you just keep going even though you've been that way before and you know you will come to the same depressing dead end. So, im stuck. I know the right way. I know the wrong. Its either the hard way ending hopefully in happiness or the temporary happiness way leading to a dead end. There the choice will either be death or to turn around and try taking the right road. I've been there before and the road back again is unbelievably difficult.
You see, i still consider myself addicted. But im not addicted to the relief. Im addicted to the hope that just one more cut will bring me that relief. Does that make sense? or am i just trying to justify my weakness by saying that im addicted? Im not sure if im explaining myself clearly. Cutting doesnt bring me relief but i still feel the need to do it. Whenever something bad happens i instantly want to grab my razor but i know i wont feel better. I just need to do it because it helped me so often before. I always hope that it will make me feel like that again.
So i guess you are wondering what the point of this thread is. Well, honestly, i dont know. This started as a little comment in a different thread but i kept typing. I just wanted to let my thoughts out. I see a lot of people asking if what they are feeling is normal and if anyone else is feeling the same. Im not asking those questions. Maybe other people are out there feeling the same way as me. Maybe you also see the two seperate routes. Sometimes just knowing people are feeling the same way as you are can bring you a little strength.
So, im sorry if i wasted your time. Im beginning to feel i have just wasted my own.
Im going to try to take the right route. As i said before, the cutting isn't worth it. I can't take the easy route. Thats not who i am anymore. Im going to fight. And if anyone out there is heading towards that route then listen to me. You always have to fight for happiness. It wont come if you dont try. There is always hope.
Fight for yourself.
Fight for your life.
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" :)
Again, sorry if i wasted your time.