Undesired Desire.

[ErykaInspire.]

Okay, so.. This is kind of a life story with this guy.

Two years ago I met this guy, Dale, in an AIM chat room with a bunch of my friends and their friends, ect. We started talking and I fell for him pretty much right then and there. I introduced him to my (at the time) best friend, because I wanted her to know the guy I liked. Well, turns out, they started talking alot and eventually dated. It broke my heart.. immensely. They took pictures together and posted them on myspace and I would sit there for hours bawling my eyes out leaving "I'm happy for you guys(:". They knew I didn't mean it.
They dated for 11 months and then they broke up. He told her he couldn't stand seeing me like that anymore. Although I had started to get over him, not by much.
We started talking again and got really close. Then he met a girl through his best friend and THEY dated. I fell completely apart. I started to feel worthless and like a waste of space. He would look at me with this "I'm so sorry.." look in his eyes. I always had to turn away. Crying myself to sleep became so routine that I eventually forgot the real reason why I was so heartbroken. Then one night he texted me saying "Eryka, I can't.. do this anymore."
Two weeks later he broke up with her. They dated for 11 months.
So there goes two years spent bawling my eyes out over him.

During those two years I went through Chronic/Clinical Depression, Cutting, Abuse, Rape, A long distance relationship that I believed was true love, that lead to even bigger heartbreak, ect.

My life had completely fallen apart.


Well. On October 25th, 2009, at 3:00am, Dale told me he only dated those other girls because he thought that being with me would just kill me if we were to ever break up. His feelings for me overpowered his feelings for every other girl and he couldn't take it anymore. He asked me to be his.

10 days from now will be one month, and It's been.. like breathing for the first time. I've finally been able to open my eyes. Although I still cry, it's from pure happiness.

Well... Now, There's this problem.
I told him I wanted us to take it slow because of the relationships I had been in during those two years. He said he completely understood. And he does. When he touches me and I flinch, he asks me if I'm ok. If I randomly tear up when I'm lost in thought, he waits for me to calm down. He knows how much I hurt, Even though I'm happy.
Welp.. on our two weeks, we ended up having sex.
Since then we have tried very very hard to resist but it's like there's 34789598 years of built up desire between us. We promised to not have sex, because I don't like taking the risk of an accident (my biggest fear is pregnancy) but foreplay is pretty much unavoidable.
Just kissing him makes me light headed. My knees go weak every time he looks in my eyes.
I've never been this happy.

But at the same time... I have this weird feeling of sadness.
What could that sadness be from?
and is it possible that it could ruin the relationship that i've wanted for so long?

Thanks for reading this. Help would be greatly appreciated.

[Art_dude]

I'm sorry hun :( Sounds like you went through a damn rough time during those two years. I'm glad he's seen the light, and is with you now! I wouldn't exactly encourage you pursuing this relationship because it sounds like if and when it ends, it will be a severe blow for both parties involved: especially considering your history with him.

As for taking it slow... I don't see the issue. Do you regret sleeping with him? I wouldn't encourage you two to have an incredibly active sex life, but I don't see the problem of two consenting individuals who sound like they're deeply in love, and having safe sex.
Especially considering you two have been waiting for this relationship to happen for so long.

Sadness? I'm thinking it's just melancholic bliss - you both have finally gotten what you two wanted and because you've experience pain along the way, the victory of having eachother seems bittersweet. Sounds like tears of joy ya know what I mean? Or is this sadness separate from your new relationship and completely random? Can you elaborate on that?

[ErykaInspire.]

I don't regret a thing with him. We both know that we're not going to have sex constantly. I already told him that if he tries to keep going after I say no, I'm walking away. Not permanently, of coarse. I'd never be able to do that. I'd just be severely upset with him. So far, whenever I tell him no, he kisses me and says okay. I just have this, seemingly-permanent, state of mind where all I'm good for is sex. One of the abusive relationships I was in beat that into my head.
Plus the rape..
So, it's like. I can't think "He loves me for ME. Not my body." That seems impossible to me.

The sadness is definitely apart from this relationship.
It's like.. the happier I get, the more I think about my past.
I've gone through years of counseling and I'm not going back.
I know most people would suggest to see a psychiatrist.
They don't help me anymore, they just bring everything back to the surface after i spent so long to suppress it.
I don't know how else to explain the reason I'm upset.
I think it's because like.. I see the guy who raped me EVERY day at school.
He hadn't tried talking to me since last year (when it happened), but in the lunch line last month he touched me in the lunch line. That's when everything came crashing back. That was just 2weeks before Dale and I got together. So maybe..? Idk.

[Art_dude]

Well if that's the case, all I can suggest is trying to learn to trust him again. Although one sick asshole raped you, doesn't mean that this guy wants you only for your body. I'm sure you already know that, but you need to fully realize that he is NOT your rapist. He is the guy you're in love with :) The guy who understands you and respects you :)

I'm one of the few people on here who would NOT recommend a therapist. Sounds like you've been there and done that and have moved on. I think seeing a therapist will unnecessarily bring back negative feelings you've moved on from. I think you hit the nail on the head - the happier you get the more it contrasts with the crap you've felt so therefore the sadness seems more prominent. On a separate note (not that it's my business) but why is your rapist not behind bars where he belongs?

[ErykaInspire.]

I know he's not the rapist. I know he'd never hurt me on purpose. It's just my bodies reaction and I'm trying to get out of it. Believe me I am.
He's the only guy i've let touch me SINCE last year. So i've already made progress, I know that.

Therapists never help. Personally, I think they're full of crap. They havn't gone through what you have so how can they possibly help you get over it? They tell you it's ok, but it's really not. I almost decked my counselor last year (I developed anger problems through depression. They're not simmered quite a bit(: )

Uhm..
He's not behind bars because only Virtual Teen knows.. :/

He raped me on the way to school.. here, This basically explains it.
http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=49997

The rest of my poetry (Except the two most recent ones. I have to add them.)
You can tell which ones are during the worst part of my depression.
http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/blog.php?b=2350